God the TV

Television is like a God. At this point I figure you’re thinking, either, "Interesting proposition!" or "You blasphemous bastard!" In response to the latter, pretty harsh words--you could make a guy cry. Furthermore, settle down: who in your universe created humour and irony? Sorry, I’m rambling. I do that sometimes. I’ll try and stop. But seriously folks, TV can be seen as a God to us, or at least an object that may affect the subconscious in a God-like way. My basic point is this: TV, because of its positioning, structure and content, in all likelihood has an amazing effect on our subconscious. An effect all the more insidious than obvious commercialism and general brain rot, because it is clandestine and incalculable.

So let’s talk positioning--no, not positions...please get your mind out of the gutter--positioning of the TV God in our lives. For instance, where’s your TV located? Okay, I know YOU don’t have a TV, but what about you. Wait, let me guess. Your TV is in your most frequented room, probably the living room, maybe the rec. room. Oh, and I see in true reverence to this God-like entity the entire room is set up to focus on (we’ll call it worship) the television. By the way, for all our religious viewers out there, how many of you have an entire room dedicated to the worship of your Lord. Really? Interesting....Have you heard the one about worshipping false idols. Furthermore, I’ll bet you even have your TV enshrined in an expensive altar, although you probably call it an "entertainment centre" to ease your troubled conscience. Then again, maybe entertainment centre is a good name. After all, God should be fun.

Nonetheless, the home is not the only place where TV’s are placed in prominent positions. Have you ever seen a pro sports game? Once again, floating like a signal from heaven above our lowly positions (there’s that word again, I hope Freud doesn’t get a hold of this) on the corporeal plane is our God, our beloved TV. It is there to show us that which our eyes cannot see: close-ups of goals, replays, and spying on the congregation in case they socially sin by picking their noses or falling out of their dresses.

Another interesting thing to consider is how televisions are placed above our heads. Now, obviously this is primarily a pragmatic consideration, having to do with the best spot for vision. However, please remember--this is an exploration of the possible effects upon the subconscious. Therefore, not only does placing TV above us place it in a position of power, but as we look up (do it now) our jaws tend to open. Basically, the result is a huge group of people staring at this God in slack-jawed awe. Think about it. What else but a magical, superior force could cause this vision of tens of thousands of people staring, mouth agape, into the heavens?

Another interesting placement of the television is in the classroom. This positioning, once again above our heads so that we may show our God proper reverence, is probably one of the most subconsciously effective. What is a classroom? A place one goes to learn. And for two hundred, Alex, when is a TV used in a classroom situation? Simple, anytime instruction is needed that our designated ‘teacher’ is unable to provide. So, perhaps, psychologically one could say that TV is only in use when the appointed instructor fails. Furthermore, there is an interesting psychological effect when watching a teacher try and coax knowledge from the great Sony (my corporate sponsor) in the sky. Almost without fail, the teacher hums and haws, flips through several wrong channels, gets down on his knees (as the VCR outlets are on the ground) and prays to the VCR angel to convey his humblest request for knowledge to the mighty TV, and inevitably ends up calling for technical support. So, basically, the TV makes the normal head of the classroom and purveyor of knowledge look like a git. (Except for you, Marsh. That never happens to you....and I’m not just sucking up either. Even though you are the best teacher I’ve ever had, maybe in the whole wide world.)

"Now for something completely different." (Monty Python, lots of times). Okay, I lied, but this is the last quote I swear.

The actual machine that is TV is interesting on a subconscious, primitive level as well. For instance, when was the last time you saw a TV that wasn’t black--like your putrid heart, you sick bastard!...Sorry...anyway, TV’s are black. This is subconsciously effective because black contains all colours, as a God would contain all possibilities. Black is the universal colour (except for the Sufis) of death, the time when one meets with one’s maker, and black is the colour of night, the magical time when the veil between the real and the mythical thins. It is fascinating to think what these different possibilities might be doing to our deep down, unknown places, the places where most of our actions come without our conscious knowledge. Kinda spooky, eh?

In addition, the actual design of the box which makes up the TV God is interesting because we see ourselves in it. And no, I don’t mean we identify with the people or the programs, I mean we see ourselves in it. If you don’t believe me, go look at your TV with the power off....ta da, like a mirror! However, the screen remains reflective when the TV is turned on. So, whether we register it or not, somewhere deep in ourselves, somewhere south of our conscious brain, but north of the rectum (rectum, damn near killed him), we see that we are one with the magic box. We are connected to our God, as we should be.

Finally, (drumroll please), the content of the TV, through its various programs on various networks, provides us with a worldview. And this, of course, is exactly the purpose of religion (unless you’re a cult member, in which case it’s putting on black Nikes and catching a ride on a comet).

To wrap this baby up, let me say this. Whether the magic box is truly a divine entity is a silly argument, better left to those with more time on their hands and more drugs in their system than me. What I have proposed here is that TV may affect us subconsciously in a way akin to the way a belief in a higher power may affect us. In short, because of the placement of TV’s, our reliance upon them for that which we cannot ascertain ourselves, and their physical makeup, we may be so subconsciously connected that any messages getting through to us may join us directly at the core. So, perhaps TV is a little more dangerous than we might think, or perhaps it’s just a box that receives images and sounds electronically. Nonetheless, I have to go...my show is on.