Keith's Australian Adventure

At the age of eighteen, after growing up in the thriving metropolis that was Bowser, British Columbia in the late twentieth century, I began to grow curious. "There must be something more," I queried. "Something beyond this town, with its two grocery stores and abundant tackle shops. I had taken all that I could from Bowser, and it was time to move on. I researched every possible place in the world that I could go. I weighed aesthetic beauty against tradition, climate against culture, and finally found what I deemed to be the greatest place in the world for a young man to find himself and truly grow as a person.

Then I found out that the drinking age there was nineteen, so I decided to go to Australia.

Upon returning from my trip, I realized that perhaps I had spent less time discovering myself and more time discovering the local lagers, so I decided I should find a way to use my experience for the benefit of others. Hence, what you see before you: Foolproof tips on how to survive in Australia that any silly Canuck can follow.

Lesson #1: The Canadian Flag

Proud Canadians all over the world love to show their loyalty to their home country by fixing the classic maple leaf onto their backpacks, clothing, shoes, skin, and anything else with space to spare. The true reason for this is simply out of fear of being mistaken for American and being left out of all the other backpacker games.

I am here to tell you that this is perhaps the most embarassing part of being a Canadian. Perhaps in Europe or Iraq, the locals may be a little hostile towards our friendly neighbours to the south. In Australia, however, a traveller is a traveller. Nationality is thrown out the window along with hygene and respect for the liver. Sure, one should be proud of one's heritage, but do we paste our last names on our shirts when we leave the house? All this practice does is create a 'holier-than-thou' image that makes Canadians look like the arrogant ones.

Lesson #2: Making Friends

The greatest part of travelling abroad is meeting people. The key to being able to do this not to travel in a large group. I travelled alone, and it was intimidating, but forced me to make new friends in every town that I went to. If you're going to make friends, you have to learn exactly who to focus on; because making friends is as strategic as it is enjoyable. The first people you want to hunt down are the "late-in-life" travellers. These are the accountants, teachers, and middle-management types who hit their inevitable mid-life crisis, empty their life-savings into a money belt, and head off to rediscover their youth. These are the most likely people to be left out of all the little backpacker games. This also makes them the mostly willing to buy your hip, young backpacker friendship.

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Locals also make great friends. Should you find the intitiative to escape from the hostel for an afternoon, try to meet some real Australians. Though abrasive at first, they have real homes in this country, and love the idea of having an exotic foreigner sponge off them for a few days. If all else fails, though, walking into a hostel with a case of Victoria Bitter Lager is a pretty foolproof way to gain the affection of your fellow travellers.

Lesson #3: Meeting Girls

This is really what the trip to a warmer country is all about. Any young man heading off to a foreign country carries with him the delusion that he will become his country's Don Juan, sweeping women off their feet in every corner of the world. The truth is that Don Juan was not Canadian, and you are not Italian, but you will be competing with the true Don Juan's of the world.

Don't worry, though. There is still hope. You simply have to use your strengths. As a Canadian, language is a key. If any Australian girl asks you if you speak French, there is only one correct answer: a resounding "YES". The only factor preventing our slack-jawed North American accent from being a complete turn-off is our ability to speak the language of love.

Well, unless you've got big muscles or something, that's about it for your strengths as a Canadian. So, get out there and take on that world. Just remember: it only sounds like grade school level French to people who know how to speak it.