Rat-Guy       Our superhero Rat-Guy looked over the city of Megalopolis for any sign of evil- doing. The only problem was, evil wasn't doing anything. Evil was probably hung over and half asleep on the livingroom couch just like the rest of the party-hard citizens of Megalopolis. This New Year's Day was pretty calm. A little too calm. Maybe all the evil crimes of the year were foiled the night before.      Steroid-Man, Megalopolis' favorite superhero foiled Dr. Politically-In-Corrector’s attempt to hold the Mayor for ransom, destroyed Captain Sea-Sick’s massive evil Machine, crushed the evil scientist Mr.Chemical’s dastardly plan to blow up the Children's Hospital, and even had time to buy cigarettes and alcohol for the young teens in the neighborhood who didn't have older brothers and sisters.       Our superhero Rat-Guy didn't even show up at any of these events simply because he couldn't catch a cab.       "This is a new year. This is a new resolution. And this is a new Rat-Guy!" said Rat-Guy to himself as he feebly jumped the small gap between building tops. "I will be the superhero of the millennium. Steroid-Man will no longer be the only hero of Megalopolis City."       Now these were some pretty big goals coming out of the mouth of Rat-Guy. Especially when you factor in that Rat-Guy only weighed a mere 140 pounds, was uncoordinated, his car didn't run, he caused more crimes than he prevented and his horrible fashion sense, or lack thereof, had him wearing a suit constructed of old, used spandex. But he was tall... real tall. 6'5" and proud of it. By day, this greasy zit-faced gas jockey lived by the name of Larry Jones. But by night, he was the fearsome "Rat-Guy".       "We'll be seeing a lot less of Larry Jones and a lot more of Rat-Guy," he said confidently. "I have been slept on for long enough. Megalopolis will know my name. I will be the next hero to foil the next super crime, I will be the one who keeps the streets safe, the one who stares fearlessly into the eyes of evil. I will be the hero on the cover of the Megalopolis Times every week, and yes, I will be the hero who buys alcohol and cigarettes for the needy teenagers--not Steroid-Man!"       "There’s never a crime when you’re out looking for one," Rat-Guy admitted to himself. And there wasn't. The streets were peaceful. "How will the public know of me? How will the mayor get a Rat-Guy phone if he doesn't even know I exist? I have to make the paper or be on TV." Rat-Guy had been on TV a few times but only on a of couple daytime talk shows, where he talked about how hard it was to be a superhero and how he was not getting the respect and media coverage he deserved. He almost made the audience clap once.       "Screw this!" he said as he crawled down a fire escape ladder. There was a group of 4 teenagers across the street from him just outside the new electronics store. Rat-Guy walked over to the nearby pay phone and dialed the operator. "Hello... Yes, hello. Please call the police and inform them that there is suspicious activity outside the new electronic store," requested our conniving hero. Rat-Guy hung up the phone and walked to the edge of the curb.       "Loitering!" he said. "Hey!" he yelled at the small group across the street. "Stop loitering or I'll find a place for you guys to loiter... a permanent place!" yelled Rat-Guy, proud of his un-witty remark which he somehow found amusing. He had been working on his catch phrases a lot lately.       "What...?" said one hoodlum. "Where's a permanent place you will have us loiter at?"       "Yeah, what are you talking about?" asked another confused teen.       "Geese... you know... jail .... like ... permanent loitering.... or at least for a little while?" Rat-Guy said, questioning his previous comment. "I guess you juvenile delinquents wouldn't spend five minutes in jail, even for a real crime," he admitted. "Damn-it !" Rat-Guy had been outwitted by a teenager greasier than him. (Again). This was the last time he would be outsmarted by somebody inferior to a superhero of his stature.       "Oh yeah," he remarked. "What if you were caught selling drugs on the corner here?"       "We wouldn't do that. We’re just waiting for my Dad to pick us up!" said the teen.       "Really?" scowled Rat-Guy. (He didn't know how to get a hold of narcotics to incriminate the small gathering anyway). "Well, are you guys going to commit any crimes?" he asked.       "No... I told you. I'm just waiting for a ride."       "You're not even robbing this electronic store here?" said a desperate Rat-Guy.       "No," said the teen.       "Then why is the window broken?" said Rat-Guy, looking at the unbroken shiny new window.      "The window isn't broken!" exclaimed the now very confused teen.      "But it is." Rat-Guy picked a brick out of the old building beside him.       "You’re insane!" said one teen "The windows are not broken... go away."       "Yes it is!" Rat-Guy then hurled the brick through the huge front window of the electronic store.       Smash! Rat-Guy ran over to the teens and apprehended the smallest one. "I don't believe teens nowadays," he said, convincing himself that they were guilty.       "Please... leave me alone!" yelled the struggling teen.       "No evildoer. You did evil. Now you will pay the time!"       A police car pulled up and two cops ran out to the group of teenagers. The officers handcuffed the teenagers and escorted them to the back of the squad car. Rat-guy stood like a proud statue and watched the cops check the backgrounds of the unfortunate hoodlums.       "Thank you," said the officer to Rat-Guy. "It’s awful how clean-cut, honor roll students can turn around and do something horrible like this. Good thing we have hero's like you around."       "Rat-guy," said our proud hero. "My name is Rat-Guy. Remember it!"       Just then the other cop yells to his partner. The evil Captain-Seasick has escaped the penitentiary and is robbing people in the Megalopolis stadium. Steroid-Man is there. He needs back up."Rat-Guy, will you come with us to help?" asked the cop.       "Yes, I will," said Rat-Guy.       "Then come with us," responded the officer. The police officers and Rat-guy jumped into the front seat of the cop car and headed towards the stadium. It was one of the many football games going on in Megalopolis that evening. On the way, the teens in the back kept trying to explain to the cops that they had been framed, but the cops didn't let them talk. The car arrived at the stadium, surrounded by squad cars and yellow tape.       Rat-Guy ran through the gate and up the stairs to the stands. There, on the jumbo-vision was Captain-Seasick revealing his evil plan. "I have captured Steroid-Man. Ladies and gentlemen, please surrender your valuables to my evil sailor henchmen.... nobody can help you know. Ha ha ha ha ha!" His evil voice bellowed through the stadium speakers. Captain-Seasick’s henchmen were everywhere with sacks, taking the jewelry and money from the poor sports fans.       "I mustn't let them see me," said the brave Rat-Guy. He turned around to go down the stairs and... thump! He was hit over the head by a bad sailor.       Rat-Guy’s blurry eyes open to see Captain-Seasick’s ugly mug. He has been taken to one of the back rooms of the stadium. Janitor's tools were spread all around the room.       "I hope my sailors didn't rough you up too bad. So... another super hero in Megalopolis? What do you think of this Steroid-Man? asked Captain-Seasick. Rat-Guy looked over to see Steroid-Man being held hostage. There was a gag around Steroid-Man’s mouth which prevented him from talking, but not from trying.       "Rar wrar btugh huhf rar," mumbled the helpless Steroid-Man. The ropes were burning Rat-Guy’s wrists. He tried to loosen them, but it seemed hopeless.       "There is nothing you can do Steroid-Man! I will take every penny from every person here. Ha ha ha ha ha."       "But why?" asked Rat-Guy.       "Because I am soooo evil. Ha ha ha ha!" laughed Captain-Seasick. "Take care of them," he said to his sailor henchman. Captain-Seasick left the room. One of the sailor's revealed a knife and swung it at Rat-Guy. Like the coward he was, Rat-Guy turned around hoping the sailor wouldn't hurt him. The knife sliced the rope that tied his hands together. Rat-Guy turned and dove under another thrust by the sailor which knocked over a bucket of water. The sailor took another thrust but slipped when he stepped in the soapy water. He plunged to the floor in agony.       "Ohhh.....my ankle!"yelled the sailor.       "Wow!" yelled Rat-Guy. The sailor was flopping around like a fish out of water in the puddle. "Don’t make me swab the deck with you," threatened Rat-Guy. Rat-Guy ran to Steroid-Man and untied him. "Let's get that evil Captain-Seasick," he said to the huge Steroid-Man. They opened the door where Captain-Seasick was giving further instruction over the stadium speakers.       "Stop where you are," yelled Steroid-Man.       "How did you get out?" replied Captain-Seasick. He jumped out of his seat and ran towards the back door, but Steroid-Man was too quick and grabbed the villain.       "Your evil plans are foiled again," said the powerful Steroid-Man. The police then entered the room and arrested the bad captain.       The next morning Rat-Guy got the paper out of his mail. On the front page, it read "Steroid-Man Saves the Day Again" and in small type below the heading read "with the help of Rat-Guy" in very fine print.       "God Damn Steroid-Man!" yelled our aggravated superhero. "I never get the credit I deserve!"       The city of Megalopolis was safe again....but for how long? © Chuck MacQuarrie 2001