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Aristophanes
Peace
421 BC
This translation by Ian Johnston of Malaspina University-College, Nanaimo, BC (now Vancouver Island University), has certain copyright restrictions. For information please use the following link: Copyright. For comments or question please contact Ian Johnston..
Note
that in the text below the numbers in square brackets refer to the lines in the
Greek text; the numbers without brackets refer to the lines in the translated
text. In numbering the English text, the translator has counted every
indented line as part of the line above (i.e., what looks like two short lines
counts as a single line). The asterisks indicate links to explanatory
endnotes provided by the translator.
The
translator would like to acknowledge the valuable help of Alan H. Sommerstein’s
commentary on the play in his book Peace (Aris & Phillips, 1985)
For
comments, questions, suggestions for improvements, and so on please contact Ian Johnston. If you
would like to prepare this text as a small booklet rather than printing it from
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other recent translations of Greek works please check the johnstonia home page.
Background Note
At the time Peace
was produced in Athens, the city had been at war with Sparta for a number of
years. However, peace negotiations had been going on, and it looked as if
the two sides might just agree to end (or at least suspend) their hostilities.
Dramatis Personae
FIRST SERVANT: a slave belonging to Trygaeus
SECOND SERVANT: a slave belonging to Trygaeus
DAUGHTERS: two daughters of Trygaeus
TRYGAEUS: a middle-aged farmer
HERMES: a god, divine son of Zeus
WAR: a god
UPROAR: a young servant to War.
CHORUS: farmers and servants from different city states
HIEROCLES: a seller of oracles
SICKLE MAKER
JAR MAKER
ARMS DEALER
ARMOURER
TRUMPET MAKER
SPEAR MAKER
BOY, a son of Lamachus
BOY, a son of Cleonymus
PEACE
THEORIA: a young female attendant on Peace
OPORA: a young female attendant on Peace
[Across the back of the
flat open front of the stage, the Orchestra, are four structures: the farm
house belonging to Trygaeus, a stable beside or in front of it, a cave whose
opening is blocked in with rocks, and the palace of Zeus. Two of Trygaeus’
slaves are in front of the stable. One is on his knees before a shallow
tub preparing balls of dung taken from a pile in the yard, and the other is
carrying these balls of dung into the stable]
FIRST SERVANT [coming
from the stable door]
Come on, bring us a cake for the beetle.
Get a move on! Hurry up.
SECOND SERVANT [on his
knees kneading dung into cakes]
There you go.
Give him that. May it kill the wretched beast!
I hope he never swallows anything
more delicious than that ball of shit.
[First servant takes the
cake, goes into the stable, and returns]
FIRST SERVANT
Give him another one. And make this cake
out of pounded donkey dung.
SECOND SERVANT
Back again?
Where’s the one you took in there just now?
He can’t have eaten it.
FIRST SERVANT
Eaten it? By Zeus,
he grabbed it, rolled in round between his
feet, 10
and then swallowed it—the whole damn thing.
Hurry up and pound out more, lots of them—
and pack them tight.
[First
Servant carries another cake into the stable and returns]
SECOND
SERVANT [looking at the audience]
You dung collectors out there,
in the name of the gods, give me a hand,
unless you want to see
me choke.
[10]
FIRST
SERVANT
Hand me another cake—
from a boy prostitute. He says he needs
something made from shit that’s been well
pounded.
SECOND
SERVANT [tossing him a cake]
There you go.
[First
Servant returns to the stable. The Second Servant addresses the audience]
Gentlemen, there’s one thing
I think I’ll never be found guilty of.
No one will claim that as I pound this
muck 20
I help myself and eat the stuff.*
FIRST
SERVANT [holding his nose]
Good god!
Get me another, and then bring one more,
and then another. Keep packing more.
SECOND
SERVANT
No, by Apollo, not me! I can’t stand
this disgusting muck a moment longer!
FIRST
SERVANT
Then I’ll take the dung inside, tub and all.
[The
First Servant picks up the tub full of dung and carries it into the stable]
SECOND
SERVANT
To hell with it, by god, and you as well.
[addressing
the audience]
If any of you knows, please tell me
now
[20]
where I can get a nose without a nostril.
There’s no work that is more
miserable
30
than rolling this stuff up and serving it
to feed a beetle. Now, a pig or dog,
as soon as someone’s had a shit, eats it
without a fuss. But this conceited brute,
like some lady, is so full of itself,
it won’t eat unless I mash the stuff all
day
then serve it rolled into a ball by hand.
But I’ll take a look, see if it’s done eating.
I’ll open this door, but just a
sliver, [30]
so it won’t see me.
[He
pushes the stable door slightly and looks inside]
Go on—keep eating,
40
and don’t ever stop, not until you burst
all by yourself in there. That damned
creature—
look how it eats, mashing with its molars,
moving its head and arms around like that,
like a wrestler or those who twist the cords
to make thick ropes for cargo ships.
FIRST
SERVANT [returning from the stable]
That brute—
smelly, foul and greedy! I’ve no idea
what god this stinking apparition comes from,
but I reckon it wasn’t
Aphrodite
[40]
or the Graces.*
SECOND
SERVANT
Then who was it?
FIRST
SERVANT
It’s got to
be
50
some monstrosity sent down here from Zeus,
lord of the thundercrap.
SECOND
SERVANT
Well, some youngster
out there in the audience who thinks he’s smart
by this point will be saying, “What’s going on?
What does this beetle mean?” And an
Ionian
sitting next to him is saying, “In my view,
it’s a reference to Cleon, showing how
he’s not ashamed to wolf down shit all day.”*
FIRST
SERVANT [getting ready to urinate]
I’m going in to give the beast a drink.
[First
Servant goes back into the stable]
SECOND
SERVANT
Well then, I’ll explain what’s going on
here 60
[50]
for children, youngsters, grown ups, and old
men,
even for these self-important windbags.*
My master’s got some new form of madness—
not your kind, but something really new.
All day long he gazes at the heavens
with his mouth open, like this, and cries out,
yelling up at god, “O Zeus,” he says,
“What on earth are you doing? What’s your
plan?
Put that broom aside. Don’t sweep Greece
away!”
Wait! Hold on! Quiet. I think
I hear his
voice. 70
TRYGAEUS
[from inside the house]
O Zeus, what will you do for our people?
You’ll be devastating all our cities
without any sense of what you’re doing.
SECOND
SERVANT
That’s it, the sickness I’ve been talking of.
There you hear a sample of his madness.
When this disturbance first came over him,
he’d keep saying to himself, “How can
I
gain access to Zeus right now?” So he had
some slender ladders made for him, and then,
he’d try to climb them all the way to
heaven,
80
[70]
until he’d tumble down and break his head.
Well then, damn him, he went out yesterday,
I don’t know where, and brought back a beetle,
a monstrous thing from Etna. He’s forced
me
to be its groom, while he keeps stroking it,
as if it were a pony, and saying
“O my little Pegasus, my thoroughbred,
my flying steed, now you must carry me
directly up to Zeus.” I’ll have a look,
bend down here and see just what he’s
doing.
90
[The
Second Servant stoops to look through a hole in the walls of the stable]
O this is dreadful! Come here, neighbours! Here!
My master’s rising up into the
air,
[80]
riding astride the beetle like a horse!
[Trygaeus
appears on the giant dung beetle rising up into the air behind the stable]
TRYGAEUS
Easy now, beetle, gently does it, easy.
Don’t charge and make things much too rough for
me,
trusting your strength, right at the start of
things,
not until you sweat, and your beating wings
loosen up your joints and make your muscles
free.
I beg you, don’t breathe on me that filthy
smell.
If you do that, you can stay here in your
cell.
100
SECOND
SERVANT [calling up to Trygaeus]
Master, my lord, how crazy you’ve
become!
[90]
TRYGAEUS
[here and in following speeches declaiming in the grand style]
Be silent! Hold your tongue!
SECOND
SERVANT
Why are you
flapping through the air so senselessly?
TRYGAEUS
I’m soaring off to help out all the Greeks,
a bold new venture, never done before.
SECOND
SERVANT
Why are you flying? Why this mad sickness?
TRYGAEUS
You must speak fair words and never mutter
such trivial sounds. Instead cry out with joy.
Tell men to hold their tongues and to close in
their toilets and their sewers with fresh
bricks
110
[100]
and to plug their arse holes firmly shut.
SECOND
SERVANT
There’s no way I’ll stay quiet, not unless
you tell me where you plan to fly.
TRYGAEUS
Where else,
but up to Zeus in heaven?
SECOND SERVANT
What for?
TRYGAEUS
To ask him about each and every Greek—
what he’s got in store for them.
SECOND
SERVANT
And what if
he doesn’t tell you?
TRYGAEUS
I’ll take him to court
for treason, selling Greeks out to the Medes.*
SECOND
SERVANT
No, by Dionysus, you’ll never go,
not while I’m alive.
TRYGAEUS
There’s no other way.
120
SECOND
SERVANT [shouting into the house]
Help! Help! Help! Children, your father’s
leaving— [110]
he’s secretly abandoning you all
to go to heaven.
[Trygaeus’
two young daughters come out of the house]
You poor wretched girls,
try pleading with your father. Beg him.
CHILD
Father, oh father, is this report true,
what those at home are saying about you—
you’re leaving me here, going up to the sky,
to the birds and the ravens? You’re trying to
fly?*
O daddy, these stories—are they all quite true?
If you love me, I need an answer from
you.
130
TRYGAEUS
Yes, my girls, it’s what you think. The truth is
I’ve had with you—you keep begging me
for bread and calling me your
daddikins,
[120]
when there’s not a drop of money in the house,
nothing at all. But when I’m successful,
when I get back again, you’ll soon enjoy
a huge cake with my knuckles for a sauce.*
DAUGHTER
But how are you going to finish the trip?
You can’t travel that road in a sailing ship.
TRYGAEUS
A young horse with wings will be carrying
me. 140
I won’t journey there in a ship on the sea.
DAUGHTER
Daddy, how did you plan to capture this thing,
harness it, and go to the gods on the wing?
TRYGAEUS
In those stories by Aesop, I found out
the beetle was the only beast with
wings
[130]
that could reach the place where gods reside.
DAUGHTER
Father, father, that’s false. All folks
deny
stories which say that stinking brutes fly
and can come to the gods way on high.
TRYGAEUS
Once, long ago,
when it had a quarrel with an
eagle,
150
it went up there and took out its revenge
by rolling from the nest the eagle’s eggs.
DAUGHTER
You should have hitched Pegasus and his wings.
Then the gods would see you as those tragic
kings.
TRYGAEUS
My dear girl, I’d have needed twice the food.
But now whatever meal I eat myself
will serve to feed this beetle, too.
DAUGHTER
But what if it falls in the depths out at
sea? [140]
With wings like those ones, how will it flee?
TRYGAEUS
[lifting up his phallus or exposing his penis]
For that I’ve got this rudder I can
use.
160
And the beetle will be just like those boats
they make in Naxos.*
DAUGHTER
But then as you float,
what harbour will open up for that boat?
TRYGAEUS
Doesn’t Piraeus have a Beetle Harbour?*
DAUGHTER
Beware of collisions. You might fall down
from way up there and become a lame clown.
If so, to Euripides you’d give a story,
and he’d turn you into some tragic glory.*
TRYGAEUS
I’ll watch out for that. And now good bye!
[Trygaeus
addresses the audience as he starts moving higher]
And you for whom I’m doing all this
work, 170
for the next three days you mustn’t fart or
crap.
If this creature smells that while in the air,
it’ll toss me head first and come down to graze.
So
come now, Pegasus, be off. Good luck.
Keep those bright ears of yours pricked up
and shake that golden bridle and your bit
until they rattle. What are you doing?
What are you up to? Why turn your nose
toward those stinking sewers? Let yourself
go bravely up above the earth, stretch
out
180
those racing wings of yours and head straight
for
the halls of Zeus. Keep your nose out of
the shit,
away from all the food you eat each day.
Hey, that man down there, what are you doing?
I mean that one crapping in Piraeus,
right by the whorehouse. You’re destroying
me,
doing me in. Can’t you please bury the
stuff,
pile lots of earth on top, and then plant thyme
and pour perfume on it? If I fell down
and something happened to me from up
here 190
and killed me, the state of Chios would be
fined
[170]
five talents, all because of your ass hole.*
O my god, I’m scared. And I’m not joking,
not any more. You there working this
machine,
take good care of me. Right now there’s a
wind
twisting its way around my belly
button.
If you don’t watch it, I’ll be making stuff
to feed the beetle. But it seems to me
I’m getting near the gods. Yes, I can see
the home of Zeus.
[By
this point the beetle has descended and come to rest in front of the house of
Zeus.
Trygaeus gets off the beetle and knocks on the door]]
Who’s in there, in Zeus’
house?
200
Why won’t you open up?
HERMES
[from inside]
A human voice!
[180]
Where did that come from?
[Hermes
opens the door and sees Trygaeus and the dung beetle]
Lord
Hercules!
What’s that disgusting thing?
TRYGAEUS
A horse beetle.
HERMES
You disgusting, reckless, shameless creature!
You scoundrel, you consummate rascal,
the worse rogue there is! How did you get
here,
you most villainous of all the villains!
What’s your name? Speak up, won’t you?
TRYGAEUS
Super-scoundrel.
HERMES
In what country were you born?
Tell me.
TRYGAEUS
Super-scoundrel.
HERMES
Who’s your
father? 210
TRYGAEUS
My father? Super-scoundrel.
HERMES
By this earth,
you’ll die for sure if you don’t give your
name.
TRYGAEUS
I’m Trygaeus and I’m from Athmonum,*
a good vine-grower. I don’t slander
people,
[190]
and I don’t like disputes.
HERMES
Why have you come?
TRYGAEUS
[handing Hermes a steak]
To bring you this meat.
HERMES
[grabbing the meat and in a very different tone]
You poor fellow,
how did you get here?
TRYGAEUS
Well, sticky fingers,
you see how you no longer think of me
as the vilest of all rogues. Please be off
now
and summon Zeus for me.
HERMES
Oh dear, dear,
dear! 220
You won’t reach the gods. You’re not even
close.
They’ve gone away. They moved out
yesterday.
TRYGAEUS
Where on earth they go?
HERMES
They wouldn’t go to earth!
TRYGAEUS
Well, then, where?
HERMES
Oh, a long, long way away,
under the very dome of heaven itself.
TRYGAEUS
So why have you been left here by
yourself?
[200]
HERMES
I’m keeping an eye on the furniture,
what’s left of it—some little pots and pans,
boards, some wine jugs.
TRYGAEUS
Why have the gods all left?
HERMES
They’re angry at the Greeks—so they moved
War 230
into the house where they used to live,
giving him full power to treat you Greeks
any way he wishes. They moved their home
even higher up, as far as they could go,
so they wouldn’t see you fighting any more
or hear any of your prayers.
TRYGAEUS
Tell me this—
why have they been treating us like
that?
[210]
HERMES
Because they tried to make peace many times,
but you prefer to fight. If the Spartans
had a small success, they’d say something
like,
240
“By the twin gods, those Attic types will pay.”*
And if, with events turning out quite well
for those in Attica, the Spartans came
to talk of peace, you’d answer right away,
“By Athena, they’re playing tricks with us.
No, by Zeus, there’s no way we’ll go along.
They’ll come back, if we hang on to Pylos.”*
TRYGAEUS
Yes, that’s way folks in our country
talk.
[220]
HERMES
Well, that’s why I don’t think you’ll ever
see
Peace in your time again.
TRYGAEUS
Where’s she gone,
then?
250
HERMES
War has thrown her into a deep hole.
TRYGAEUS
What hole?
HERMES
[pointing to the walled up cave in the central part of the stage]
That one, way down there. What’s more,
you see how many rocks he’s piled on top
to stop you hauling her back out again.
TRYGAEUS
Tell me, what’s War planning to do to us?
HERMES
All I know is last evening he brought home
a gigantic mortar.
TRYGAEUS
He’s got a mortar?
[230]
What’s he going to do with that?
HERMES
Well, he wants it
to pulverize the city states of Greece.
But I have to go. I think he’s coming out— 260
he’s making such a fuss in there.
[Hermes
leaves. The noise inside the house gets louder]
TRYGAEUS
[alarmed]
Oh, oh!
I’m in a mess. Come on, I’d better find
some way to get away from him. I think
I hear the sounds of a warlike mortar.
[Trygaeus
conceals himself. War enters, carrying a huge mortar and a basket of
vegetables]
WAR
Oh you human beings, you mortal men,
you human creatures who endure so much,
how your jaws are soon going to feel the pain!
TRYGAEUS
[from his hiding place]
By lord Apollo, look at the mortar,
the size of it! This is a disaster—
that look he’s got! Is this the enemy
270
[240]
we’re running from—so terrible, so tough,
so hard on a man’s legs?*
WAR
[taking some leeks and putting them in the mortar]
O Prasiae!
thrice damned, five times damned, damned a
thousandfold!
This very day you’re going to be demolished.*
TRYGAEUS
This is no concern of ours, gentlemen,
since it’s a problem for the Spartans.
WAR
[putting some garlic in the mortar]
Oh Megara, Megara, how very soon
you be crushed to bits, turned into mincemeat.*
TRYGAEUS
Whoa, my goodness me, he’s throwing in
some bitter tears for the
Megarians, 280
big ones, too.
WAR
[grating some cheese into the mortar]
And Sicily, you’re destroyed, as
well.
[250]
TRYGAEUS
Such a great state to be grated down
in such a miserable way.
WAR
[pouring honey over the food]
All right,
lets pour over this some Attic honey.
TRYGAEUS
Hey, I’d advise you use a different honey.
That stuff costs four obols. So ease up
with that stuff from Attica.
WAR
[calling for his servant]
Boy! Boy! Uproar!
[Uproar
enters from the house]
UPROAR
Why’d you call me?
WAR
I’ll make you really yelp!
Standing there doing nothing. Here’s a fist for
you!
[War
punches Uproar in the face]
UPROAR
That hurts! Oh master, I’m in
agony!
290
Your fist wasn’t full of garlic, was it?
WAR
Why don’t you run and fetch me a pestle?
UPROAR
We don’t have one. It was only
yesterday
[260]
when we moved in here.
WAR
Then go get one
from the Athenians—and make it fast.
UPROAR
By god, I’ll do it. If I don’t find one,
then I’ll be beaten ‘til I howl.
[Uproar
runs off in a hurry]
TRYGAEUS
Well now,
what are we poor wretched types to do?
You see there’s great danger threatening us.
If he returns and brings along a
pestle,
300
War will sit there using it to pulverize
all our city states. Oh Dionysus,
may he perish and not get back with it!
[Uproar
comes running back empty handed]
WAR
Here he is.
UPROAR
What’s going on?
WAR
You didn’t bring it?
UPROAR
The strange thing is this—those Athenians
have lost their pestle, that tanner who
ground
[270]
all Greece to powder.*
TRYGAEUS
By Athena,
that sovereign lady, he did well to die,
just when the city needed him to go,
before he dumped us all into that
hash.
310
WAR
Then go get another one in Sparta
and be quick about it.
UPROAR
I’m off master.
[Uproar
moves off quickly. War shouts after him]
WAR
And get back here on the double.
TRYGAEUS [to the
audience]
Well, men,
what’s going to happen to us? At this
point,
we’re in deep trouble. So if one of you,
by chance, is an initiate of Samothrace,
this would be a splendid time for you to pray
the servant lad sprains both his feet.*
UPROAR [running back on
stage and striking an exaggerated pose]
Alas!
[280]
O woe is me! And one more time Alas!
WAR
What is it? You mean this is the second
time
320
you’ve come back without a pestle?
UPROAR
Yes.
The Spartans have lost their pestle, too.
WAR
How’d that happen, you rogue?
UPROAR
Well, they lent it
to some other folks in Thracian country,
and it got lost.
TRYGAEUS
By those two sons of Zeus,
the Thracians did good work! Good luck to
them!
You mortal men, keep up your courage!
WAR
Pick up this stuff and take it back inside.
I’m going in to make myself a pestle.
[War leaves. Uproar
collects the mortar and vegetables and follows after him.
Trygaeus emerges from his hiding place]
TRYGAEUS
All right, now it’s time to sing that old
song
330
Datis used to sing every day at
noon
[290]
when he’d yank his cock, “Ah, how that feels
good!
O, that’s so nice! I’m getting off on this!”*
You men of Greece, now’s an excellent time
to set aside our quarreling and fights
and drag up Peace, who’s friendly to us all,
before some other pestle interferes.
So you farm labourers and merchants,
you carpenters, craftsmen, immigrants,
foreigners, and islanders, come
here,
340
all common folk, as quickly as you can,
and bring some picks and ropes and levers.
Now’s our chance to have a drink
together, [300]
a swig from the Good Spirit’s cup.*
[The Chorus enters.
It consists of working people from many different Greek states]
LEADER OF THE CHORUS
Come on this way, all those of you who’re keen
to rescue us right now. It’s now or never!
All you Greeks, let’s help each other out
by getting rid of all our warlike ranks
and the nasty deep red colour of blood.
The day that Lamachus detests is here.*
350
[The Chorus Leader
turns to address Trygaeus]
So come on, tell us what we need to do.
Give us some direction. It seems to me
there’s no way I’ll be stopping work today
until we’ve used these levers and machines
to haul out here into the light of day
the greatest goddess of them all, the one
who more than any other loves the vine.
TRYGAEUS
You must keep quiet, just in case your joy
in what we’re doing and these shouts of yours
gets War, who’s in there, fired up
again.
360 [310]
CHORUS LEADER
But we’re so pleased to hear your proclamation—
it’s not like those which tell us to come out
with rations for three days.*
TRYGAEUS
Be careful now
in case Cerberus howls and yelps down there,
the way he did when he was here on earth,
and makes it hard for us to save the goddess.*
CHORUS LEADER
No one will take her back from us again,
if we can once lay hands on her.
CHORUS
Hip hip hurrah!
TRYGAEUS
You men, if you don’t stop those cheers of yours
you’ll be the death of me. War will charge
out
370
and his two feet will stomp on everything.
CHORUS LEADER
Well, let him make trouble and shake things
up!
[320]
Let him walk over everything! Today,
we’re not going to stop our celebrations.
TRYGAEUS
Why seek danger? Men, what’s got into you?
You’re dancing’s going to wreck a splendid plan!
CHORUS LEADER
But I’m not the one who likes this dancing.
It’s my legs—they keep hopping on
their own
from sheer delight. I’m not moving them.
TRYGAEUS
But that’s enough now. Come on, stop
dancing. 380
Stop it!
CHORUS
LEADER
All right. Look, I’ve stopped.
[The
Chorus Leader keeps on capering around, his legs out of control]
TRYGAEUS
You say so,
but you haven’t stopped at all.
CHORUS
LEADER
Well, let me
dance one more turn and then I’m done.
TRYGAEUS
Just one,
and then you’ll have to stop—no more dancing.
CHORUS
LEADER
If it helps you, we won’t dance any
more.
[330]
TRYGAEUS
But look, you still haven’t stopped!
CHORUS
LEADER
Yes, by Zeus,
I kick out my right leg like this—that’s it!
TRYGAEUS
All right, I’ll let you get away with that,
if you don’t keep on trying to piss me off.
CHORUS
LEADER
Well, I must have my left leg dance as
well.
390
I’m rid of my shield—that makes me so glad,
I fart and laugh, more than if I’d shed old age.
TRYGAEUS
Don’t rejoice right now. You don’t know
for sure,
at least not yet. But when we’ve got the
goddess,
then you can shout and laugh and celebrate.
At that point you can sail or stay at
home
[340]
or fuck or sleep, watch holy festivals,
play cottabos, or live like Sybarites,
and keep on yelling out “Hurray! Hurray!”*
CHORUS
LEADER
How I wish to see that day at
last!
400
I’ve endured a lot, even mattresses
allotted by the gods to Phormio.*
You’ll no longer find me as a juryman
bitter and bad tempered, nor, I
think,
[350]
harsh in my ways, as I was earlier.
Instead you’ll see a soft, much younger man,
once I’m free from troubles. For long
enough
we’ve killed each other, wearing ourselves out
on journeys to the Lycaeum and back
with sword and shield.* But what can we
do
410
to bring you most delight? Come on, speak
up.
It’s happy circumstance that’s chosen
you
[360]
as our supreme commander.
TRYGAEUS
Well, come on.
Let me see how we get these stones removed.
[Enter
Hermes]
HERMES
You reckless rogue, what are you going to do?
TRYGAEUS
Nothing bad—we’re just like Cillicon.*
HERMES
You evil wretch, you’re done for.
TRYGAEUS
Yes, I am,
if that’s how my lot turns out—Hermes would know
how to do things with a lottery.*
HERMES
You’re doomed!
You’re dead!
TRYGAEUS
On what day?
HERMES
Immediately.
420
TRYGAEUS
But I’ve not purchased any flour or cheese
for my forced march to death.*
HERMES
No doubt about it,
you’re already mincemeat.
TRYGAEUS
Then why is it
receiving such a major
benefit
[370]
has escaped my notice?
HERMES
Are you not aware
Zeus has issued a decree that anyone
who’s caught digging that goddess up must die?
TRYGAEUS
You mean it’s absolutely necessary
I must perish on the spot?
HERMES
Yes. Now you know.
TRYGAEUS
Well then, lend me three drachmas right
away,
430
so I can buy a sucking pig. Before I die,
I have to get myself initiated.*
HERMES
By Zeus, lord of thunder and lightning . . .
TRYGAEUS
[interrupting]
Master, I’m imploring you—by the gods—
don’t report us!
HERMES
I cannot keep silent.
TRYGAEUS
In the name of those meats I brought for you
from the goodness of my heart.
HERMES
My dear
chap,
[380]
I’ll be destroyed by Zeus if I don’t shout
and make a real commotion over this.
TRYGAEUS
No, don’t shout. O my dear little
Hermes,
440
I’m begging you!
[Trygaeus turns to
address the Chorus]
You men, tell me
what you’re doing? You’re standing there
like statues.
You fools, don’t hang around saying nothing,
if you do that, he’ll start to yell.
CHORUS [chanting]
Lord Hermes, please don’t yell or squeal.
If you recall a tasty meal
of young pig as a gift from me,
don’t make my words a trivial plea.
TRYGAEUS
[joining the chant]
O lord and master, can’t you hear
how they are trying to bend your
ear?
450
CHORUS
[chanting]
Do not reject the prayers we
say
[390]
and let us dig up Peace today.
Of all the gods you love men best
and give them gifts, so bless our quest,
if you dislike Pisander’s plume,
his spiteful pride, we will resume
our constant offerings to you,
my lord, with great processions, too.*
TRYGAEUS
Come, I beg you, have pity for their
cries.
[400]
They’re honouring you more than they used to
do.
460
HERMES
They’re greater robbers than they used to be.*
TRYGAEUS
What’s more, I’ll tell you of a terrible act,
a major plot against the gods, all of them.
HERMES
All right, tell me. You might win me over.
TRYGAEUS
For some time the Moon and that rascal Sun
have been hatching many plots against you,
to hand Greece over to barbarians.
HERMES
Why would they do that?
TRYGAEUS
Because, by Zeus,
we sacrifice to
you—barbarians
[410]
make their offerings to them. That’s
why,
470
as one might expect, they want all of us
to be totally destroyed, so they alone
will have the rituals all to themselves.
HERMES
So that’s why those two for some time now
have been stealing daylight on the sly
and taking bites out of each other’s disk,
those scoundrels!*
TRYGAEUS
That’s right. So, dear Hermes,
put your heart into helping us find Peace,
and pull her out with us. We’ll celebrate
the great Panathenaea in your honour,
480
and festivals to all the other gods—
the Mysteries, Dipolia and
Adonia
[420]
will honour Hermes.*
The other cities,
once free of misery, will sacrifice
to Hermes as their guardian everywhere.
You’ll get fine things, a huge variety.
To start things off, I’ll give you this gift,
a bowl for you to pour libations with.
[Trygaeus
pulls a golden bowl from his pocket and gives it to Hermes]
HERMES
My, my, how I’m always keen on presents
when they’re made of gold.
TRYGAEUS
Come on then
men, 490
get to work in there. Take those picks of
yours,
move in, and get those stones removed.
Hurry!
CHORUS
LEADER
We’ll do it. But you, wisest of the gods,
take charge of us. You understand this
task,
so tell us what we need to do. You’ll find
we won’t be slack in doing other
work.
[430]
TRYGAEUS
Come on, hurry up and hold the bowl out,
so we can offer prayers up to the gods
before beginning work.
HERMES
A libation!
A libation! Now speak the reverent
words.
500
Speak well. As we pour out
this libation,
let’s pray an age begins this very day
when many fine things come for all the Greeks,
and anyone who works with his whole heart
to pull the ropes won’t grip his shield again.*
TRYGAEUS
By Zeus, may we spend our lives in
peace,
[440]
embracing mistresses and poking fires.
HERMES
And any man who’d rather be at war . . .
TRYGAEUS
[interrupting]
O lord Dionysus, may he never stop
yanking arrows from his funny
bone.
510
HERMES
If there’s a man eager for army rank
who does not wish to drag you to the light,
O lady, in his battles . . .
TRYGAEUS
[interrupting again]
May he go through
the same experience as Cleomenes.*
HERMES
And anyone who manufactures spears
or deals in shields and thus is keen for war
because of better trade . . .
TRYGAEUS
[interrupting]
Let such a man
be seized by thieves and get no food to eat
but barley.
HERMES
If someone will not work with us
[450]
because he wants to be a general,
520
or if a slave is ready to desert . . .
TRYGAEUS
May he be laid out on a wheel and whipped.
HERMES
May good things come to us! Now raise a
shout!
Strike up a cry of joy!
TRYGAEUS
Leave out the strike.
Just shout out for joy.*
HERMES
Oh, all right, then.
Hail! Hail! That’s all I’ll say!
Hail to Hermes,
the Graces and the Seasons, to Aphrodite
and Desire! What about Ares?
CHORUS
No, no!
TRYGAEUS
And no cheers for Enyalius, right?*
CHORUS
No!
[The
Chorus wrap the rope around something in the cavern and start to pull,
but, as they make the effort, they get hopelessly confused, pulling in
different
directions and falling over each other]
TRYGAEUS
All right, everyone make a real
effort
530
and pull these ropes to reel her in.
HERMES
Heave away!
CHORUS
LEADER
Heave ho!
[460]
HERMES
Come on, pull!
CHORUS
LEADER
Pull even harder!
HERMES
Heave . . . Come on, heave!
TRYGAEUS
The men won’t pull together.
[Trygaeus
turns to one group of men]
Why not pull your weight? You’re too proud to work.
O you Boeotians, you’ll be crying soon.
HERMES
All right now, heave.
TRYGAEUS
Heave ho!
CHORUS
LEADER [to Hermes and Trygaeus]
You two there,
come on and pull as well.
TRYGAEUS
Aren’t I pulling,
too—
[470]
holding the rope and hauling furiously,
working really hard?
CHORUS
LEADER
Then how come this job
isn’t moving forward?
TRYGAEUS
[to one of the workmen]
Hey,
Lamachus, 540
you’re a problem sitting there, in the way.
My good man, we don’t need your monster.*
HERMES
Well, these Argives haven’t been hauling long.
They laugh at other people’s suffering,
collecting pay and rations from both sides.*
TRYGAEUS
But Spartans, my dear chap, are pulling rope
like real men.
CHORUS
LEADER
But look—among that crowd
the only ones who’re keen to help are those
who’ve been chained up in jail. The arms
makers
[480]
keep getting in their way.*
TRYGAEUS
The
Megarians 550
aren’t making any effort.
HERMES
Well, they’re pulling
and showing all their teeth, like puppy dogs.
TRYGAEUS
Yes, by Zeus, because they’re dying of
hunger.*
Hey, you men, we’re not getting anywhere.
We must all work at this together.
So one more time.
HERMES
Heave!
TRYGAEUS
Heave away!
HERMES
Heave!
TRYGAEUS
By Zeus, pull!
CHORUS
LEADER
We’re shifting it a little. [490]
TRYGAEUS
This is dreadful—some are pulling one way,
others in another. You Argives there,
you’re going to get a beating!
HERMES
Come on,
heave!
560
TRYGAEUS
Pull!
CHORUS
LEADER
There’re people here with us who’re traitors.
TRYGAEUS
But those of you who long for Peace keep
pulling—
put your backs into it!
CHORUS
LEADER
But some men here
are interfering, getting in the way.
HERMES
Oh, you Megarians, get the hell
away!
[500]
The goddess hates you, for she remembers
you were the first to rub your garlic on her.*
And you Athenians, I’m telling you
stop holding that position where you’re pulling
at the moment—you’re not doing
anything
570
but fighting in the courts. If you really
wish
to set the goddess free, then move on down,
shift yourselves towards the sea a little.*
CHORUS
LEADER
All right, men, let the farmers grab the rope
all by themselves, with no one else.
HERMES
Ah, you men, now things are going much better.
CHORUS
LEADER
He says we’re getting somewhere. Come on,
then,
[510]
every man must pull with all he’s got!
TRYGAEUS
Hey, the farmers are getting the job done,
all by themselves.
CHORUS
LEADER
Come on, all of
you.
580
Come on!
HERMES
Now they’re working all together!
CHORUS
LEADER
Let’s not relax—keep pulling even harder!
HERMES
Here it comes now!
[Something
starts to emerge being pulled from inside the cavern]
CHORUS
LEADER
Now heave! Everyone, heave!
Heave! Heave! Heave! Heave!
Heave! Heave!
Heave! Heave! Heave!
Heave! Heave! Everyone, heave!
[The
trolley emerges from the cavern. On it stands Peace with her two
attendants
Opora and Theoria in a tableau reminiscent of contestants in a beauty pageant]
TRYGAEUS
O holy lady who provides us
grapes,
[520]
where can I find words to speak to you,
the ten-thousand-gallon words to greet you?
I didn’t bring them when I came from home.
And I welcome you as well,
Opora,
590
and Theoria, too. What a gorgeous face
you’ve got there, Theoria, and sweet breath!
So fragrant to my heart! It’s just lovely—
like perfume or freedom from conscription.
HERMES
You mean she smells just like a soldier’s pack?
TRYGAEUS
The hateful pack of such a hateful person
makes me puke—it stinks of onion belches.
She smells of harvest times and
festivals, [530]
the Dionysia, flute music, tragic plays,
songs of Sophocles, thrushes, poetic
scraps
600
penned by Euripides . . .*
HERMES
[interrupting]
You’re in trouble now,
spreading lies like that about her. She
hates
that poet who uses trivial phrases
from the law courts.
TRYGAEUS
[ignoring the interruption]
. . . ivy, cloths for straining wine,
bleating flocks, women’s bosoms when they run
out to the fields, a drunken serving girl,
a jug of wine when it’s been overturned,
and lots of other splendid things.
HERMES
Come now,
look how the city states are reconciled.
They’re chatting with each other,
laughing,
610
[540]
having a good time, though all of them
have wonderful black eyes with cups attached.*
TRYGAEUS
And let’s also take a look at faces
in the audience here, to see if we can guess
what each man’s trade is.
HERMES
That’s a stupid idea.
TRYGAEUS
[pointing to someone in the audience]
Can’t you see that man who makes battle crests?
He’s tearing his hair.
HERMES
There’s someone who makes hoes—
he’s just farted at that sword smith.
TRYGAEUS
See that one,
the sickle maker who’s feeling so good,
he’s flipped his finger at the spear
maker? 620
HERMES
All right, tell these labourers it’s time to
go.
[550]
TRYGAEUS
Listen up, folks. The peasants should be
off,
taking their farming tools back to the fields
as soon as possible. But leave behind
your swords and spears and javelins. This
place
has now been overrun with mellow Peace.
So all men should move out and back to work—
off to the fields, singing a song of joy!
CHORUS LEADER [to
Peace]
Ah, this day our workers have so yearned for
and just men, too! I see you and
rejoice.
630
After such a long, long time, how I wish
to greet my vines. How my heart desires
to hold in my embrace those same fig trees
I planted in the days when I was young.
TRYGAEUS
Now men, first of all let’s offer prayers
[560]
to the goddess who’s brought us our freedom
from battle crests and Gorgons. After
that,
let’s head off home, back to our farms.
But first,
let’s buy a nice little piece of pickled fish
to eat while in the fields.
By
Poseidon, 640
how fine their ranks look, compact and spirited,
just like a barley cake or a sumptuous feast.
By Zeus, that’s a splendid mattock he’s got there,
all set to go, and those three-pronged garden
forks
are glistening in the sun. They could
clear out
the rows between our vines so beautifully!
Now I’m keen to get back home myself,
into the fields, working with my pitch fork,
turning clods of earth after all this
time.
[570]
You men, remember that old way of
life
650
Peace used to give us in our earlier days,
those figs pressed into cakes or freshly picked,
the myrtles and sweet new wine, the violets
beside the spring, the olives we so longed for.
For the sake of these speak to the goddess
now.
[580]
Welcome, dearest goddess, welcome!
How I rejoice now that you’ve come.
Overwhelmed with longing for you,
I kept hoping for a miracle,
to go back to my fields
again.
660
O lady we’ve been yearning for,
you were the greatest benefit
to all of us who spend our lives
working on the land, for you
alone
[590]
would help us out. In earlier days,
while you were in control, we had
so many sweet and lovely things
that cost us nothing. For farmers
you meant security and wheat.
Our vineyards and our young fig
trees 670
and all the other plants we have
will smile with joy to welcome
you.
[600]
But how can she have stayed away from us
for all this time? Hermes, of all the gods
you’re the friendliest to us, so tell me.
HERMES
O you wisest of all working farmers,
listen to my words, if you’d like to hear
how Peace first went astray. It all began
when that Phidias ran into trouble,
and Pericles, afraid he’d share his
fate,
680
for he was frightened of your character
and your ferocious ways, fired up the
town,
before he had to suffer anything
too drastic, throwing out a little spark,
the Megarian decree, and fanned it
into a conflict so intense, the
smoke
[610]
drew tears from all the Greeks, not only here,
but in Sparta, too.*
Well, once that started,
the first vineyards were compelled to crackle
and a pot, once hit, kicked out in anger
690
at another pot, and there was no one there
who could prevent it any more. And so,
Peace just disappeared.
TRYGAEUS
Well, by Apollo,
no one ever told me that’s what happened.
I’d never heard how Peace could be hooked up
with Phidias.
CHORUS LEADER
I hadn’t either,
not until just now. But if she’s his kin,
that’s why she’s beautiful. So many things
are kept concealed from us!
HERMES
Well, after that,
the towns who were your subjects, once they
saw
700
you were so enraged at one
another
[620]
and your fangs were out, hatched all sorts of
plans
against you, because they feared the tribute,
and then used their gold to bribe the Spartans,
the most important of them, and those men,
being greedy and treacherous with strangers,
tossed Peace out in a disgraceful manner
and held out for war.* This gained them profit,
but brought the workers to catastrophe.
Warships repeatedly went out from
here
710
to get revenge—they devoured the fig trees,
which belonged to men who bore no blame.
TRYGAEUS
No, that was justified—those men chopped down
one of my trees of dark grey figs, a bush
I’d planted and then nursed with my own hands.
CHORUS LEADER
Yes, by Zeus, that was truly well
deserved!
[630]
Those men destroyed a storage chest of mine.
They smashed it with a stone. And that box
held
six bushels full of corn!
HERMES
Then working men
came from their fields in droves and let
themselves,
720
without their knowing it, be bought and
sold,
just as the others were. Longing for
figs,
they didn’t even have grape pits to eat,
and so they looked toward the demagogues.
These men, who clearly knew how displaced folk
were weak and short of food, with their forked
cries
drove Peace out, though she came back in person
many times, moved by affection for the land.
Then they began to squeeze the rich fat types
among their allies, on the trumped-up
charge
730 [640]
that they were followers of Brasidas.
And then you lot would tear the man apart,
like puppy-dogs. The city was all pale
and cowering in fear. It would snap up
every scrap of slander with great pleasure,
whatever anyone tossed out.
Strangers,
who saw the blows come raining down on them,
stuffed mouths of the informers shut with gold.
So they grew rich, while, without your
knowledge,
Greece might have been destroyed. This
work was done
740
by that man who dealt in leather.*
TRYGAEUS
Stop, lord Hermes!
That’s enough! Don’t tell us any
more.
Leave that man where he is, down in Hades.
He’s no longer one of us. No, he’s
yours.
[650]
He was a villain when he was alive,
a windbag who liked to slander people,
an agitator who stirred up trouble,
but when you mention all these things right now,
your slandering one of your own people.*
[Trygaeus moves to talk
to Peace]
Talk to me.
HERMES
She won’t speak to this audience.
All the suffering she’s had to undergo
has made her very angry at them.
TRYGAEUS
Then let her say a few words just to you.
[660]
My dearest lady, tell me what you think
about these people here. Come on now,
of all women you hate war the most.
[Hermes put his ear close
to Peace’s mouth to listen to her whisper to him]*
I understand.
[Hermes turns to address
the audience]
This is what she blames you for. She
says
760
after that fight in Pylos she came here,
of her own free will, bringing a basket
full of treaties to the city, but you lot
turned her down three times in your assembly.*
TRYGAEUS
We were wrong to do that. But forgive us—
back then our brains were crammed with leather.
Listen now to something she’s just asked
me.
[670]
Who was the man most hostile to her here,
and who was friendly, someone really keen
not to fight on?
Well,
Cleonymus
770
was her greatest friend by far.
Cleonymus?
What sort of fellow was he in a fight?
The very bravest spirit, except for this—
he wasn’t the son of the man he claims
as his own father. When he’d march out
with the army, he wouldn’t hesitate
to throw away his weapons.
One more thing
she’s just asked me: Who now governs
you
[680]
and rules the rocky Pynx?*
That position
is now occupied by Hyperbolus.*
780
She’s turning away from these people here
in anger that they’d choose to vote themselves
such a scoundrel as their leader.
Ah well,
we won’t be using him for very long.
At the moment people need a leader.
They feel naked, so, for the time being,
they’ve wrapped that man around them.
She asks
how this choice will benefit the city.
We’ll become more politically
shrewd.
790
How will you do that?
Because Hyperbolus
makes lamps. Before this, we decided
things
[690]
by groping in the dark. But now our plans
are made by lamplight.
My, my, the things
she’s told me to find out from you!
TRYGAEUS
What things?
HERMES
All sorts of stuff, especially ancient things
she left behind so long ago. And first,
she wants to know how Sophocles is doing.
He’s well, but something quite astonishing
has happened to him.
And what is
that?
800
He’s changed from Sophocles into Simonides.*
Into Simonides? How so?
He’s old,
and he’s decrepit, but for a profit
he’d go out sailing on a wicker mat.*
Really? Is wise Cratinus still living?*
[700]
He died when the Spartans came marching in.
What went wrong with him?
What happened? He collapsed.
He couldn’t bear to see jars full of wine
being broken. How many other troubles
have gone on in the city! So,
lady,
810
we’ll never ship you out again.
Come on then,
if that’s so, you should take Opora here
as wife. Live with her in the countryside,
and make yourselves some grapes.
My dearest love,
come over here and kiss me.
do you think it would do me any harm
if, after such a long time with no sex,
I had some with Opora?
Not
at all,
not if you take pennyroyal later.*
But take Theoria and lead her
off 820
to the council place, where she lived before.
Get a move on!
O that blessed council,
it gets Theoria. You’ll be slurping soup
in huge amounts over the next three days,
eating so much meat and boiled sausage!
And so, dear friend Hermes, a fond farewell!
And farewell to you, too, human mortal.
May you live happy, and remember me.
to be seen. He starts calling it]
Time to go home, beetle, let’s fly off
home.
[720]
He’s not in there.
Then where’s he gone?
830
He’s harnessed to the chariot of Zeus
and bears the lightning bolt.*
The poor thing!
Where will he find shit to eat in heaven?
He’ll feed on Ganymede’s ambrosia.*
All right, but how do I get down?
It’s easy.
Don’t worry. Go this way past the goddess.
This way, girls, just follow me, and quickly.
There’s lots of people waiting there for you
with their erections ready.
Go on! Farewell!
over to attendants—give it to
them
[730]
to keep safely. There are many thieving
types
who really like to hang around the stage
and look for things to steal.
and let’s explain to these spectators here
the road our words will take, what’s on our
minds.
The judges here ought to thrash the comic poet
who steps onto the stage in front of these
spectators
to praise himself in verse. But, daughter
of Zeus,
if it’s all right to pay due honour to the
man
850
who is the finest and best known comic writer,
then our producer claims he merits your great
praise.
First, he’s was the only man who stopped his
rivals
making constant fun of rags and fighting wars
with
lice,
[740]
and the first to ridicule and banish from the
stage
the Herculeses who were always making cakes
and going hungry. He also dismissed those
slaves
who kept on running off, or deceiving someone,
or getting whipped. They were always led out
crying,
so one of their fellow slaves could mock the
bruises
860
and ask then: “Oh you poor miserable fellow,
what’s happened to your skin? Surely a
huge army
of lashes from a whip has fallen down on you
and laid waste your back?” Yes, our poet
has removed
such feeble trash, such commonplace tomfoolery,
and created a great art for us, by building up
high-towered homes from lovely words and
thoughts and jokes [750]
which are not trivial stuff. And he does
not present
obscure private types or women in his dramas.
No, with the spirit of Hercules he
attacks
870
the greatest targets, striding through the
dreadful stink
of stripped-off leather hide and the
grandiloquence
of those with hearts of mud.
CHORUS LEADER
Of all the bouts I fought
the very first was with the fanged-tooth one
himself,
whose eyes shot out most dreadful rays, like a
Bitch Star.
Round him circled a hundred moaning flatterers,
who’d spit-lick his head. He had a
thundering torrent
of a voice, and he smelled as nasty as a seal,
the unwashed balls of Lamia, and camels’ arse
holes.*
When I saw this monstrosity, I did not
fear,
880
but kept fighting constant wars with him,
holding out
on your behalf and for the
islanders. And
so,
[760]
it’s only right that you remember me and show
your gratitude by paying me back. Before
this point,
when I’ve had success, I didn’t lose my mind and
roam
around the wrestling schools trying to seduce
young lads.
No, I took my theatre gear and went off on my
way.
I didn’t cause much pain and brought you great
delight,
producing everything just how it ought to be.
CHORUS
And for this reason men and
boys
890
should side with me. And we advise
bald men to join with us and strive
for victory, since if I win,
at tables and at
festivals
[770]
every man will say, “Here, take this
to that bald man, give this bald man
a sweet dessert, and don’t hold back
from a man whose forehead matches
our noble poet’s balding skull.”*
O Muse, drive wars away and
dance,
900
my friend, dance with us—celebrate
the weddings of the gods, the feasts
of mortal men, and festivals
of those who have been blessed, for
these
[780]
have from the start been your concern.
And if that Carcinus should come
begging you to join his children
in a dance, don’t listen to him
or move to help them with their play.*
Think of them all as homebred
quails,
910
dancing dwarves with long scraggy necks,
sliced-up lumps of dung, who put
on
[790]
mere artifice. Their father claimed
that once a play he was to stage,
a work no one had thought he’d write,
was choked one evening by a weasel.*
Such are the long-haired Muses’ songs
the clever poet ought to sing
before the public, when
swallows
[800]
sitting in the leaves in springtime
920
let forth their song, and choruses
of Morsimus are not allowed,
nor any from Melanthius,
whose most ear-piercing voice I heard
once screaming out—it
was that day
he and his brother put on stage
the tragic chorus. What a pair!
Gorgon epicures and
Harpies,
[810]
ravenously devouring roaches,
foul rogues chasing down old
women
930
and wiping out whole schools of fish.
What more, their armpits stink like goats!*
O goddess Muse, please spit on them—
a huge, wide gob of phlegm—and
then,
throughout the party, play with me.
That was tough, going straight up to the gods.
My legs are really aching. You
people
[820]
were tiny from up there. When I peered
down,
from heaven you looked like total scoundrels,
but from here you seem a great deal
worse.
940
Master, you’ve come back?
That’s what I’ve been told.
What’s happened to you?
My legs are hurting—
it was a long road to travel.
So tell me now . . .
TRYGAEUS
What?
FIRST SERVANT
Did you see any other human,
besides yourself, wandering through the air.
TRYGAEUS
No, except perhaps two or three spirits
of dithyrambic poets.
What were they doing?
[830]
Oh, fluttering about collecting preludes
as they drifted in the airy breezes.
So it isn’t true when people tell
us
950
once we’re dead, we’ll be stars up in the sky?
No, that’s really true.
Then who’s that star there?
That’s Ion of Chios, who once composed,
when he was here, a poem about the dawn.
As soon as he got there, they all called him
the Star of Dawn.
Who are those stars up there
that rush across and blaze out as they move?
TRYGAEUS
They are wealthy stars who, after
dinner,
[840]
are making their way home, holding lanterns
with lights inside. But come on, hurry
up 960
and take this girl. Conduct her to the
house.
Clean the bath tub, and heat some water up.
Prepare the wedding bed for me and her.
When you’ve finished that, come back here again.
Meanwhile, I’ll give this one to the council.
FIRST SERVANT
Where’d you get these girls?
TRYGAEUS
Where else? In heaven.
FIRST SERVANT
I wouldn’t give three obols for the gods
if they keep bawdy houses, just like us.
TRYGAEUS
No they don’t, but there are some up
there
[850]
who do live off the trade.
FIRST SERVANT [to Opora]
Come on then, let’s
go.
970
Tell me, should I give her something to eat?
TRYGAEUS
No. She won’t want to eat any bread or
cake.
She always had the habit of licking up
ambrosia with the gods in heaven.
FIRST SERVANT
Well, we’ll just have to see if we can
find
something for her to lick down here.
[First Servant exits with
Opora into Trygaeus’ house]
This old man, as far as we can see,
is now working things out happily.
TRYGAEUS
What will you think when very soon
you see me as a bright
bridegroom?
980
An old man to envy I
presume.
[860]
Once more you’ll have your youthful bloom
and lie there drenched in sweet perfume.
TRYGAEUS
I think you’re right. And in a bit
when I’m in bed and hold her tit?
CHORUS
Happier than a top-spinning lad
who calls that Carcinus his dad.
TRYGAEUS
I deserve it. Is that not true?
I, one man, on a beetle flew
and saved the Greeks, who free from
harm
990
now sleep and fuck on every farm.
The girl has finished bathing, and her
bum
looks splendid. There’s a flat cake ready.
And the sesame balls are being rolled up.*
Everything’s prepared. All we need
now
[870]
is an erect cock.
Then let’s get going
and present Theoria to the Council.
This girl here? Who is she?
What do you mean?
This is Theoria.
What? The girl
we used to travel with to
Brauron
1000
and then get drunk and screw?*
The very same.
I had a hard time getting her away.
Oh, master, look at the ass on her—
I’d wait four years for that!
Now, let’s see.
Is there an honest man among you lot?
Where is he? Who’ll take charge of this
girl here
and guard her for the Council?
what are you doing? Drawing a chart?
Me? Oh, I’m reserving a camping spot
to house my prick in the Isthmian Games.*
1010 [880]
Tell me the man who’ll look after her.
and put you in the middle of them.
Look there—
someone’s nodding his head!
Who is it?
Who is it? It’s Ariphrades urging you
to take her over to him.
No, he’ll jump her
and start slurping in her lap.
to start with you can take that clothing off.
close to the spectators]*
You council members and public officers,
look on this Theoria and
witness
1020
the splendid things I bring and give to
you.
You can quickly raise these two legs of
hers
high in the air and roast your
sacrifice.
[890]
Look at the oven she’s got.
Magnificent!
Smoky black down here because the Council
used to cook their meat in her before the war.
And now she’s yours. At first light
tomorrow
you can arrange some really splendid games—
wrestling on the ground, mounting doggy style,
lying
her on her side, or on her
knees,
1040
bending over, or rubbing on the oil
and grappling in a youthful free-for-all,
gouging and striking with your fists and
prick.
Next day you’ll organize equestrian
games,
[900]
where riders straddle riders, chariots crash
on top of one another, and blow and pant
as they go at it. Then other riders
will be lying there with cocks all scraped
from falling out while moving round the turns.
So come on, you officials of the
state, 1050
accept Theoria.
that public officer’s receiving her!
if you weren’t going to get a big pay off.
No. I’d have found you reaching for a
peace.*
A useful man brings the state
bliss
[910]
And that’s the kind of man this is.
When you go gather in your grape
you’ll see I’m in much better shape.
But now it’s clear what you’ve
become.
1060
You’ve saved mankind—that’s everyone.
Once you’ve chugged down some new-made wine,
a goblet full, you’ll say I’m fine.
And we will constantly attest
but for the gods you are the best.
I’m Trygaeus from Athmonum.
and you owe me a tidy sum.
I’ve pushed away harsh
misery.
[920]
Now farm and working folk are free.
I’ve made Hyperbolus
succumb.
1070
All right, what do we have to do next?
What else but to install the goddess Peace
by offering up some earthen pots?
With pots?
Just like a grumpy little Hermes?*
What do you think we should offer her?
A fattened bull?
An ox? No not that.
We don’t need to serve as ox-iliaries.
Then what about a big fat porker?
No, no.
Why not?
Because we might turn into swine,
just like Theagenes.*
Well what do you
think?
1080
What other animal?
What about this,
a bummer lamb?
A bummer?
Yes, by god.
But that’s a slang expression.*
[930]
That’s deliberate—
so when anyone in the assembly
says we must have war, those sitting there
can all cry out in fear, “War’s a bummer!”
That’s a fine idea!
And in other things
we’ll be like gentle lambs, being very kind
to one another and a whole lot milder
to our allies.
All right, now get cracking.
1090
Find that sheep and bring it here. I’ll
prepare
an altar so we’ll have a sacrifice.
How everything the gods desire
and fortune turns into a favour
moves on to what we all
intend.
[940]
One by one, the good things come,
with luck all things work in the end.
That makes good sense. Here’s our outside
altar.
Hurry while the stiff winds pause.
The gods have shifted them from
war.
1100
The spirits clearly want a change
to something better than before.
Here’s the basket with barley seed, ribbons,
and a knife. We’ve got fire as well.
So now,
the only thing we’re missing is the sheep.
You’d better get a move on
then—
[950]
If Chaeris sees you, he’ll show up
although you’ve not invited him.
He’ll have his flute with him, as well,