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Aristophanes

Knights

[This translation which has been prepared by Ian Johnston of Vancouver Island University, Nanaimo, British Columbia, Canada, may be downloaded without permission and without charge for personal or classroom use. It does, however, have some copyright restrictions. For details please select the following link: Copyright. Posted on the web in July 2010]

introductory Note

Aristophanes’ Knights is a sharp, bawdy, and, in some places, grim satiric allegory on Athenian political life. While the targets of the satire are clear enough, the translator or editor is forced to make some decisions about the names of the characters, because specific names are given only to Demos (whose name means “the people”) and to the chorus of Knights.

The main butt of the jokes is clearly Cleon, the popular demagogue of Athenian politics, but the character who represents him is called the Paphlagonian, and Cleon’s name is mentioned only once in the play. The term Paphlagonian refers not to an origin in Asia Minor but to his very aggressive rhetoric, since the name comes from the verb meaning “to bluster.” The Paphlagonian’s main opponent, the Sausage Seller, does have a name (Agoracrites), but that fact does not emerge until very late in the play. Hence, I have used the terms Paphlagonian and Sausage Seller to indicate these characters (some other editions of the play use the names Cleon and Agoracrites throughout).

The two slaves who open the play are not named specifically in the manuscripts, but traditionally they have been called Demosthenes and Nicias, after the two Athenian generals who were enemies of Cleon. I have retained these names because that seemed better than making up alter-natives or calling them Slave A and Slave B.

The term Knights refers to an elite group of about a thousand cavalry in the Athenian military forces. Each Knight had to provide his own horse and would have expenses which he would have to pay himself. However, membership was considered socially prestigious and would be drawn from the richer, more aristocratic Athenians, who tended to be hostile to the populist demagogue Cleon.

At the time Knights was first produced (424 BC), Athens and Sparta had been at war for about seven years. The previous year Athens had won an important victory at Pylos against the Spartans, capturing a number of prisoners and bringing them back to Athens. Cleon engineered things so that he received the major credit for this success. As a result, he acquired considerable popularity and was awarded a number of state honours. However, in the view of many Athenians he had, in effect, stolen the credit from Demosthenes. This point is frequently mentioned in the play.

Knights was awarded first prize in the drama competition at the Lenaea festival in 424 BC.

Translator’s Note

In the following text the numbers without brackets indicate the line numbers of the English text; those in square brackets indicate the line numbers of the Greek text. With the former, two or more partial lines in a row normally count as a single line in the reckoning.

The explanatory footnotes have been provided by the translator. Those wishing to read the text on the screen are advised to have the notes available in another window, so that they do not have to keep switching back and forth, from text to notes.

The translator would like to acknowledge the valuable help provided by the notes in the editions of the play prepared by W. C. Green (1871), by W. W. Merry (1887), and by Alan Sommerstein (1981).

Knights

Dramatis Personae

Demosthenes: a slave in the service of Demos
Nicias: a slave in the service of Demos
A sausage seller: a low-born Athenian street merchant
Paphlagonian: a slave in the service of Demos
Demos: an elderly Athenian citizen
Chorus of Knights.

[The action takes place in an Athenian street in the Pnyx, the part of the city where the public assemblies were held. At the back there is an entrance to the house belonging to Demos. From within the house comes the noise of a slave being beaten with a whip and crying out in pain.]

Demosthenes [bursting out of the door]
All right, that’s it, that’s just too much to take!
I’ve had it! That bastard interloper!
That miserable Paphlagonian!
I wish the gods would obliterate him—
him and his schemes. Since that awful day
he came into this house, because of him
we slaves keep getting beaten all the time.

Nicias [coming out behind Demosthenes, in obvious pain]
That man is the very worst—a first-class
Paphlagonian—all those lies he tells!

Demosthenes
Hey, you poor man, how you doing?

Nicias
Not good. 10
The same as you.

Demosthenes
All right, come over here,
so we can moan together, pipe a tune,
a duet in the manner of Olympus.

[Demosthenes and Nicias put their heads together and act as if they are both playing flutes, making whimpering sounds in harmony.]

Demosthenes and Nicias
What can we do-o-ooooo, [10]
We’re just so black and blue-oo-oo.*

Demosthenes
Why waste our moaning? We should stop whining
and look for some way to preserve our hides.

Nicias
How could we do that?

Demosthenes
Well, suggest something.

Nicias
No, you tell me—that way I can avoid
fighting you about it.

[Here Demosthenes and Nicias briefly parody the grand tragic style.]

Demosthenes
No. By Apollo. No. 20
I shall not speak.

Nicias
Ah, if only you would tell me
what I should say.

Demosthenes
Come. Screw your courage up
and speak. And then I shall confide in you.

Nicias
But I dare not. How could I ever utter
the delicate phrasings of Euripides—
“Can’t thou not speak for me what I must say”?*

Demosthenes
No, I don’t want that. Don’t toss those herbs around.
Instead find us some way we can dance off [20]
and leave our master.*

Nicias [miming masturbation]
Then say, “Let’s beat off”—
all in one word, as I do.

Demosthenes [copying Nicias]
All right, then, 30
I say, “Let’s beat off.”

Nicias
Now after “Let’s beat off,”
say “out of here.”

Demosthenes
“Out of here.”

Nicias
Very good.
It’s like when you give yourself a hand job—
at first you say it gently, “Let’s beat off,”
then you quickly speed it up—“out of here.”

Demosthenes [copying the gesture]
Let’s beat off . . . out of here, let’s beat off . . .

[Finally he sees what Nicias is getting at.]

Ah, we beat off out of here—we run away!

Nicias
Well, what about it? Doesn’t that sound sweet?

Demosthenes
Yes, by god, it does—except for one thing:
I’m terrified that beating it like this 40
might be a prophecy about my skin.*

Nicias
Why’s that?

Demosthenes
Because when you pound your snake
the skin comes off.

Nicias
The way things are right now [30]
the best thing we can do is head on out
and throw ourselves down before some statue
of a god.

Demosthenes
A statue? What kind of statue?
Do you really believe that there are gods?

Nicias
Of course I do.

Demosthenes
What sort of evidence
have you got for that?

Nicias
Well, I’m someone
they obviously don’t like. Doesn’t that count 50
as sufficient evidence?*

Demosthenes
Proof enough for me.
So we’d better look for help some place else.
Do you want me to tell this audience
what’s going on?

Nicias
That’s not a bad idea.
We could ask them to do one thing for us—
show us by their faces if they enjoy
what we say and what we do.

Demosthenes
Then I’ll speak up. [40]

[He directs his explanation to the audience.]

We have a bad tempered and crude master.
He chews beans and is angry all the time—
Demos of the Pnyx, a grumpy old man 60
who’s half deaf.* Last new moon he bought a slave,
a Paphlagonian tanner, a great scoundrel,
the most slanderous of rogues.* And this slave,
this tanner from Paphlagonia, observed
the old man’s habits. He threw himself down
at our master’s feet and began fawning,
wheedling, flattering, buttering him up
with tiny scraps of leather, saying things like
“O Demos, once you’ve tried a single case [50]
then take a bath,” “Taste this,” “Gulp this down,” 70
“Eat up,” “Take three obols,” “Would you like me
to get an evening meal ready for you?”*
Then that Paphlagonian grabs from one of us
something we’ve prepared and offers it up
to our master. Just a few days ago,
when I’d kneaded a Spartan barley cake
at Pylos, that devilish rogue somehow
snuck past me, seized the cake which I had made,
and presented it as his.* He makes sure
we keep our distance and will not allow 80
anyone else to attend on Demos.
When our master’s eating dinner, he stands
holding a leather thong and flicks away [60]
the orators. He chants out oracles,
so the old man is mad for prophecies.
And when he sees that he’s quite lost his wits,
he goes to work according to his plan—
accusing those inside with outright lies,
so we get whipped, while that Paphlagonian
scampers around the servants, making demands, 90
stirring up trouble, taking bribes. He’ll say,
“You see how I set things up so Hylas
got a beating.* If you don’t win me over,
then you’re dead meat today.” So we pay up.
If we don’t, the old man abuses us, [70]
and we shit out eight times as much.

[Demosthenes turns back to Nicias.]

So now,
my friend, let’s come up with something fast—
what pathway can we turn to and to whom?

Nicias
The best way, my friend, is that beating off—
getting out of here.

Demosthenes
But there’s no damn way 100
we can escape the Paphlagonian.
That man sees everything. He has one leg
in Pylos, and he keeps his other leg
in the assembly. His two feet are spread
this far apart.

[Demosthenes demonstrates his words by almost doing the splits and keeps talking from an awkward position, which gets worse as he goes on.]

His arsehole is right here
over the Chaones, his hands are there,
in Aetolia, and his mind is over here,
among the Clopidians.*

Nicias
Then the best thing
for us would be to die.

Demosthenes [getting up]
All right, let’s see.
The most manly way we two could perish— 110 [80]
what would that be?

Nicias
The most courageous way?
The best would be for us to drink bull’s blood—
that’s a good one to choose. Themistocles
died from that.*

Demosthenes
No, by god, not that. But wine—
undiluted from the Good Spirit cup!
Then perhaps we’ll think of something useful.*

Nicias
O yes, unmixed wine! It’s natural you’d think
of having a drink. But can anyone
come up with good advice when he’s plastered?

Demosthenes
What a thing to ask! Bah! You’re a fountain 120
spouting streams of liquid bullshit! You dare
complain that wine disturbs the way we think? [90]
What can you find better than some wine
for getting men to act effectively?
You see that when men drink, they get wealthy,
they are successful, they win their lawsuits,
they become happy and help out their friends.
Come, bring me out a jug of wine right now,
so I can refresh my mind and think up
something really clever.

Nicias
By all the gods, 130
what will you end up doing to us
with this drinking of yours?

Demosthenes
Something good.
Go get it, while I sit myself down right here.

[Nicias goes into the house.]

For if I do get drunk, then I’ll spatter
tiny schemes and fancies, miniscule ideas, [100]
in all directions.

[Nicias returns from the house with large jug of wine and a cup.]

Nicias
It’s a good thing
I wasn’t caught in there stealing this wine.

Demosthenes
Tell me—what’s the Paphlagonian doing?

Nicias
That slanderous rogue has been licking up
some cake he confiscated. Now he’s drunk— 140
lying on his back, snoring on his hides.

Demosthenes
Well, come on then, pour me a generous hit
of that unmixed wine . . . for a libation.*

Nicias [pouring out the wine]
There. Take it and offer a libation
to the Good Spirit.

Demosthenes [smelling and then gulping down the wine]
Drink this and swill down
the fine Pramnian spirit.* O excellent Spirit,
the idea is yours—not mine.

Nicias
All right tell me.
I’m asking you. What is that great idea?

Demosthenes
Get inside there and steal the oracles [110]
belonging to the Paphlagonian— 150
quickly while he’s asleep.*

Nicias
All right, I’ll go.
But I’m afraid I might find this Good Spirit
becomes the genius of my misfortune.

[Nicias goes back into the house]

Demosthenes
Let’s see now—I’ll bring this jug over here
beside me so I can moisten my mind
and come up with some fabulous idea.

[Demosthenes takes another drink. Nicias comes back from the house with a scroll.]

Nicias
That Paphlagonian—what a noise he makes
farting and snoring. Thanks to that I grabbed
the sacred oracle, the one he guards
so carefully, without him noticing. 160

Demosthenes
You are the craftiest of men! Give it here,
so I can look it over—and pour me
a drink. Hurry up! Well now, let me see,
what’s in here.

[Demosthenes reads the scroll.]

O these prophecies! Quick! [120]
Give me a drink! Come on!

Nicias [pouring the wine]
Here you go. Well?
What does the oracle say?

Demosthenes [draining the cup and holding it out]
Pour me another.

Nicias [taking the cup]
That’s what it says in there? “Pour another drink”?

Demosthenes
O Bacis!*

Nicias [pouring out more wine]
What is it?

Demosthenes
Quick! Pass me that cup!

Nicias
Bacis really gets to use that cup a lot.

Demosthenes [looking at the scroll]
O you disgraceful Paphlagonian! 170
So that’s why you’ve been protecting yourself
all this time! You’re terrified of this oracle—
it’s about you!

Nicias
Why’s that?

Demosthenes
In here it says
how he’s to be destroyed.

Nicias
And how is that?

Demosthenes
How? Well, this oracle states clearly
that first a dealer in hemp will come along
and, to start with, control city business.* [130]

Nicias
That’s one wheeler dealer. So who comes next?
Tell me.

Demosthenes
After that one comes another—
someone who deals in sheep.*

Nicias
That’s two dealers. 180
What’s supposed to happen to that second one?

Demosthenes
He’s to be in charge until someone else,
a more repulsive man, comes on the scene.
Once that happens, he dies. His successor
is a leather dealer and a robber,
a Paphlagonian with a screaming voice,
like the raging stream of Cycloborus.*

Nicias
So fate decreed that the dealer in sheep
was toppled by the leather dealer?

Demosthenes
That’s right.

Nicias
Then heaven help us—we’re in deep trouble! 190
I wish some other dealer might show up [140]
from somewhere—just one!

Demosthenes
Well, there is one—
he has a splendid trade.

Nicias
Tell me who that is.
Come on, I’m asking you.

DEMOSTHENES
Want me to tell you?

NICIAS
Yes. For god’s sake!

DEMOSTHENES [reading from the scroll]
The man who will destroy
the Paphlagonian is a sausage dealer.

NICIAS
A sausage dealer? O Poseidon, what a trade!
Let’s see, where do we find a man like that?

DEMOSTHENES
Let’s go look for him.

[Enter the Sausage Seller carrying a table, knives, sausages, and so on.]

NICIAS
Hey, there’s one coming here,
as if he’s off to market. A stroke of luck! 200

DEMOSTHENES [calling to the Sausage Seller]
Hey, sausage seller—you blessed creature.
Come on over here, dear friend—over here.*
You show up as a saviour for the city
and for the two of us.

SAUSAGE SELLER
What’s going on?
Why are you calling me?

DEMOSTHENES
Come over here, [150]
so you can find out your enormous luck,
how tremendously fortunate you are.

[The Sausage Seller climbs up from the orchestra onto the stage with Demosthenes and Nicias.]

NICIAS
Come on, take that table from him. Tell him
what the god’s oracle proclaims. I’ll go
and keep watch on the Paphlagonian. 210

[Nicias exits into the house.]

DEMOSTHENES
All right. First of all, set that equipment down
on the ground here. And make a sacred salute
to the earth and to the gods.*

SAUSAGE SELLER [carrying out those actions]
There! What’s going on?

DEMOSTHENES
O you most blest of men! And wealthy, too!
Today you have nothing, but tomorrow
you will be immensely great, chief leader
of a happy Athens!

SAUSAGE SELLER
My good fellow,
why not leave me alone to wash my tripe [160]
and sell sausages, instead of mocking me?

DEMOSTHENES
You silly fool! Forget about your tripe! 220
Look over there. Do you see these people,
all these rows?

SAUSAGE SELLER
I see them.

DEMOSTHENES
You’re going to be
lord and master of them all, in control
of the market places and the harbours
and of the Pnyx. You’ll stomp on the Council,
keep generals in line, tie people up,
throw them in jail—and in the Prytaneum
you’ll be sucking cocks.*

SAUSAGE SELLER
Me?

DEMOSTHENES
Yes, you of course.
But you’re not seeing the whole picture yet.
Climb up on this table of yours—gaze out 230
at all the islands there surrounding us. [170]

SAUSAGE SELLER [climbs up on his table and looks out]
I see them.

DEMOSTHENES
What do you see? Trading ports?
Merchant ships?

SAUSAGE SELLER
Yes. I see those.

DEMOSTHENES
All right then,
how can you not be immensely fortunate?
Now turn your right eye towards Caria
and the other eye towards Carthage.*

SAUSAGE SELLER [in great discomfort]
I’ll be happy
once I dislocate my neck!

DEMOSTHENES
That not the point.
All that land is to be traded away,
thanks to you. For you are going to be
the most powerful of men—this oracle 240
says so right here.

SAUSAGE SELLER
Then explain this to me—
How am I, a seller of sausages,
going to change to someone respectable?

DEMOSTHENES
The very reason you’ll be powerful [180]
is that you’re a shameless market rascal—
and impudent, as well.

SAUSAGE SELLER
But I don’t think
I’m good enough to have great influence.

DEMOSTHENES
Good heavens, whatever is wrong with you
to make you say you’re not good enough?
You must, I’m sure, know something remarkable 250
about yourself. What about your parents?
Don’t you come from good and honest people?

SAUSAGE SELLER
By god no! Nothing but worthless rabble.

DEMOSTHENES
O you fine fellow! Such amazing luck!
For political affairs you really have
such great advantages!

SAUSAGE SELLER
But, my good man,
I have no education, nothing but
reading and writing, and I’m bad at those—
real bad.

DEMOSTHENES
That’s the only thing stopping you, [190]
that you can read and write even poorly— 260
real bad. You see, a leader of the people
no longer needs to have any training
or be honest in his dealings. Instead
he should be ignorant and disgusting.
But you must not disregard what the gods
are offering you in this oracle.

SAUSAGE SELLER
What does the oracle say?

DEMOSTHENES
By the gods,
it’s good—but its style is rather intricate,
written as a sophisticated riddle.

[He reads the oracle in a solemn tone.]

“But when the eagle tanner with his crooked claws 270
shall in his beak seize the stupid, blood-sucking serpent,
then will perish the Paphlagonian’s pickled garlic,
and then the gods will bestow enormous fame
on those whose vocation is to market tripe
unless they would prefer to sell their sausages.” [200]

SAUSAGE SELLER
How has this got anything to do with me?

DEMOSTHENES
Well, the eagle tanner is that man there—

[Demosthenes points to Cleon sitting in the audience.]

the Paphlagonian . . .

SAUSAGE SELLER
Those “crooked claws”—
what are they?

DEMODOCUS
What those words mean is clear.
He seizes things in hands crooked like claws 280
and confiscates them.

SAUSAGE SELLER
What about the serpent?

DEMOSTHENES
That’s obvious. The serpent is elongated,
as is the sausage, which is also long.
And sausages, like serpents, suck up blood.
Hence, it says the serpent will now conquer
the eagle tanner, unless his resolve
is broken down by words.* [210]

SAUSAGE SELLER
Well, this oracle
makes me sound good. Still, I’m wondering
how I’ll be able to rule the people.

DEMOSTHENES
That’s ridiculously easy. Keep doing 290
what you’re doing. Make a complete hash
of public business, mix things together,
like sausage meat, and always win people
to your side with well-cooked little phrases
to sweeten them. The other qualities
a leader of the public really needs
you have already—a disgusting voice
and disreputable birth—and what’s more,
you’re a product of the market place.
You possess all the qualities essential 300
for politics. The oracles agree,
including Apollo’s shrine at Delphi. [220]
So crown yourself with a garland wreath,
make a libation to the god of idiots,
and then give that man what he deserves.

SAUSAGE SELLER
Who is going to help me out? Rich men fear him,
and poor men are so terrified they fart.

DEMOSTHENES
But there are a thousand excellent men,
the Knights, who hate him. They will assist you—
along with the upright and honest men 310
among the citizens, all people here
in this audience who have any brains,
and me. The god will help you out as well.
Have no fear. You won’t see a face like his— [230]
the men who make the masks were just too scared
to dare prepare something that looked like him.
But he’ll still be easy to recognize—
the audience is smart enough for that!*

NICIAS [from inside]
What the hell! The Paphlagonian—
he’s coming out! We’re done for! 320

[The Paphlagonian rushes out of the house.]

PAPHLAGONIAN [roaring]
By the twelve gods, you won’t get away with this—
an ongoing conspiracy against the public!
What going on with this Chalcidian cup?
You must be stirring an insurgency
among Chalcidians. You will be killed—
you pair of polluted rogues—you will perish!*

[The Sausage Seller backs away in terror.]

DEMOSTHENES [to the Sausage Seller]
Hey, why are you backing off? Stand up to him! [240]
O noble sausage seller, do not betray
our public cause!

[Demosthenes starts shouting at the Chorus offstage in the wings.]

You Knights, cavalry men,
help us out—now is a time of crisis! 330
Simon, Panaetius! Charge the right wing!

[He goes to the Sausage Seller and turns him to face the Paphlagonian.]

They’re getting close. Come on, defend yourself!
Wheel round for an attack! Their cloud of dust
is clearly visible. They’re coming on—
almost here. So fight back, chase him away,
get that Paphlagonian out of here!

[Demosthenes pushes the Sausage Seller towards the Paphlagonian as the Chorus of Knights comes running in. They chase the Paphlagonian around the stage.]

CHORUS LEADER
Hit him! Hit that wretch who spreads confusion
among the cavalry! That tax collector!
That gaping gulf of greed! That Charybdis!*
Villain, villain, villain—I’ll say that word 340
again and again, for he’s a villain
many times a day! Beat him! Chase him off! [250]
Keep after him! Don’t give him any peace!
Show you hate that man as much as we do—
and shout out as you swarm all over him!
Take care he doesn’t get away from you.
He knows the alleyways Eucrates took
to run off straight back to the market place.*

PAPHLAGONIAN [addressing the audience]
You old jurymen, my three-obol brothers,
whom I nourish with my raucous shouting 350
of just and unjust things, help me out now!
I’m being lambasted by conspirators.

CHORUS LEADER
And justly so! Because you gobble up
public funds before you’re picked for office,
and when state officials submit accounts,
you squeeze them, as if you were picking figs,
to see which ones are green and hard, or ripe, [260]
or not yet fully seasoned.* And what’s more,
you keep your eye peeled for any citizen
who’s stupid as a sheep but has money 360
and who’s terrified of public business,
and if you find one, some simple fool
who avoids all politics, you haul him back
from the Chersonese, then wrap him up
in slanders, hook his knees, twist his shoulder,
fall all over him, and swallow him up.*

PAPHLAGONIAN
You’re attacking me as well? But, my good men,
it’s because of you I’m being beaten up—
I was just on the point of proposing
we ought to set up a memorial 370
to your bravery here in the city.

[The Chorus has moved to surround the Paphlagonian.]

CHORUS LEADER [threatening the Paphlagonian with his fist]
O you impostor! You slippery rogue!
See how he sweet talks and swindles us,
as if we were senile old men? But if [270]
he jumps this way, I’ll thump him with this fist.
If he slips down here my legs will kick him.

PAPHLAGONIAN [appealing to the audience]
O you people! O city! Look at this—
savage beasts are pummelling my belly.

[Demosthenes pushes the Sausage Seller into the crowd surrounding the Paphlagonian.]

SAUSAGE SELLER
Ah, are you now rabble rousing, the way
you always do when bullying the city?* 380

PAPHLAGONIAN
With this loud voice of mine I’ll make a start
by forcing you to run away.

CHORUS LEADER
If your shouting
defeats him, then bully for you—you win.
But if his shamelessness surpasses yours,
then the victory cake belongs to us.*

PAPHLAGONIAN [pointing to the Sausage Seller]
I denounce this man. I claim he smuggles soup
out to the Peloponnesian warships!

SAUSAGE SELLER
And I, by god, am accusing this man [280]
of running into the Prytaneum
with an empty stomach, then coming out 390
with his guts crammed full.

DEMOSTHENES
That’s right, by god.
And he carries off prohibited stuff—
bread, meat, slices of fried fish. The people
never considered Pericles worthy
of that honour.*

[The Paphlagonian and the Sausage Seller now get into a shouting match.]

PAPHLAGONIAN
The two of you will die—
right on the spot!

SAUSAGE SELLER
I’ll keep on screaming out
three times as loud as you!

PAPHLAGONIAN
I’ll yell so loud
I’ll drown out your noise!

SAUSAGE SELLER
And when I bellow,
your hollering will cease.

PAPHLAGONIAN
If you become
a general, I’ll smear your name with dirt. 400

SAUSAGE SELLER
I’ll thrash your back, as if you were a dog.

PAPHLAGONIAN
I’ll skin you alive with false accusations. [290]

SAUSAGE SELLER
I’ll use illegal ways to block your path.

PAPHLAGONIAN
Look me right in the eye. Try not to blink.

[The Paphlagonian and the Sausage Seller are now engaged in a stare-down contest with very little distance between them.]

SAUSAGE SELLER
I, too, was brought up in the market place.*

PAPHLAGONIAN
If you make a sound, I’ll tear you apart.

SAUSAGE SELLER
Say a word and I’ll stuff your mouth with shit.

[Pause as they try to stare each other down. The Paphlagonian is the first to look away, straighten up, and continue.]

PAPHLAGONIAN
I admit I’m a thief. You don’t do that.

SAUSAGE SELLER
By Hermes of the market place, yes I do.
And if anybody sees me stealing, 410
I just lie—perjure myself under oath.

PAPHLAGONIAN
Then you’re copying someone else’s tricks—
doing what I do! And I denounce you [300]
to the city council for possessing
sacred tripe for which you’ve paid no taxes.*

CHORUS
You’re a wretched, disreputable screamer!

[They start a rhythmic chant around the Paphlagonian.]

The whole world is full of your impudent snorts—
all meetings, all taxes, decrees, and the courts
you stir up like mud and disrupt the whole town [310]
and deafen our Athens by shouting us down. 420
For money from tribute you take careful stock,
like spying out tuna from high on a rock.*

PAPHLAGONIAN
I know what’s going on here—it’s been sliced out
of an old piece of leather.

SAUSAGE SELLER
Well, if you
don’t know a thing about cutting leather,
then I know nothing about sausages.
You’re the one who used a misleading cut
to slice leather from a crappy ox hide
and cheated country folk by selling it,
so before they’d worn it a single day, 430
it had stretched and was two palm widths bigger.*

DEMOSTHENES
Yes, by god, he did the same thing to me.
It made me a huge laughing stock to friends [320]
and neighbours. Before I’d reached Pergase,
it was like I was swimming in my sandals.*

CHORUS [continuing their chant]
And right from the start weren’t you shameless as hell,
the single protection for those who speak well?
Relying on your crassness you squeeze money out
from strangers with cash, for you’ve got all the clout.
Hippodamus’ son is watching in tears, 440
but now someone else I like better appears.*
He’s more shameless by far, and he will win through— [330]
his impudent swindles will clearly beat you.

CHORUS LEADER [to the Sausage Seller]
All right, you who were brought up in that place
where men worthy of the name come from,
show us now how a decent upbringing
doesn’t mean a thing.*

SAUSAGE SELLER
Well, then you must hear
what sort of citizen this fellow is.

PAPHLAGONIAN
Will you let me speak?

SAUSAGE SELLER
Of course, I won’t,
because I’m a low life, just like you. 450

DEMOSTHENES
If he doesn’t surrender on that point,
tell him you come from a family of thieves.

PAPHLAGONIAN
Are you going to allow me to speak?

SAUSAGE SELLER
No, by god, I’m not!

PAPHLAGONIAN [getting very angry]
Yes, by god, you will!

SAUSAGE SELLER
No, by Poseidon, I won’t. I’ll fight first
to see who will speak before the other.

PAPHLAGONIAN
Bloody hell! I’m going to explode!

SAUSAGE SELLER
No, you’re not.
I won’t allow it.

CHORUS LEADER
Let him burst, for god’s sake—
let him!

PAPHLAGONIAN
And what makes you so confident
you think can confront me face to face? 460

SAUSAGE SELLER
Because I am capable of prattling on
and of cooking up some spicy sauces.

PAHPLAGONIAN
So you can speak! Bah! If some business matter—
a ripped-up bloody mess—fell in your lap
and you grabbed it, you’d handle it so well!
O yes, you’d arrange things with such expertise!
You know what I think has happened to you?
Like many others, I suppose you gave
a pretty speech in a petty lawsuit
against some foreign resident.* You rehearsed 470
it all night long and babbled it to yourself
in the streets, slurping water, practising
to friends and irritating them with it.
And now you think you can speak in public. [350]
You fool! You’ve mad!

SAUSAGE SELLER
What have you been drinking
to make the city a place where you now,
all by yourself, shout everybody down
and silence them?

PAPHLAGONIAN
Can you find any man
to rival me? I’ll gobble up slices
of hot tuna and wash that down with wine— 480
a jug full and unmixed—and after that
I’ll bum fuck the generals at Pylos.

SAUSAGE SELLER
I’ll swallow a ox stomach and pig tripe
and after that gulp down the sauce, as well—
then without bothering to wash myself
I’ll drown the politicians with my shouts
and put Nicias in a tizzy.

DEMOSTHENES
I do like
what you just said, but there is one thing
I’m not happy with—you’re going to drink up
the political gravy all by yourself. 490 [360]

PAPHLAGONIAN
But you’re not going to stuff yourself with sea bass
from Miletus and later blow them off.*

SAUSAGE SELLER
But I will dine on beef ribs. After that,
I’ll buy up leases on some silver mines.*

PAPHLAGONIAN
I’ll use force to jump into the Council—
make them all panic.

SAUSAGE SELLER
I’ll stuff your arse hole—
just like a sausage skin.

PAPHLAGONIAN
I’ll force you outside
by your buttocks—head down through the door.

DEMOSTHENES
If you’re going to drag him outside, by god,
then you’ll have to haul me out there, as well. 500

PAPHLAGONIAN
How I’ll clap you in the stocks!

SAUSAGE SELLER
I’ll denounce you
as an arrant coward!

PAPHLAGONIAN
I’ll stretch your hide
across my tanning bench.

SAUSAGE SELLER
I’ll skin you alive—
turn you into a robber’s belly bag.

PAPHLAGONIAN
You’ll be pegged down—at full stretch on the ground.

SAUSAGE SELLER
I’ll slice you up, grind you into mincemeat.

PAPHLAGONIAN
I’ll pluck out your eyelashes.

SAUSAGE SELLER
I’ll slice your throat.

DEMOSTHENES
By god, we’ll force a peg inside his mouth,
like cooks do with pigs, then tear out his tongue,
and peer down past his gaping jaws to see 510 [380]
if there are any pimples up his ass.*

CHORUS
There are things in the city, it’s clear from this case,
which are hotter than fire, more full of disgrace
than those scandalous speeches all over the place.
This issue matters—it’s not just cheap smut,
so let’s go at this man, twist him by his butt—
no room for half measures now we’ve grabbed his gut.

[The Chorus seizes the Paphlagonian.]

CHORUS LEADER
If you wear him down now with a thrashing
you’ll find he’s a coward. I know his style. [390]

SAUSAGE SELLER
He’s been that sort of fellow all his life, 520
but these days he thinks he’s a real man
for harvesting someone else’s grain crop.
And now he’s tied that crop up in prison,
the ears of grain he carried back from there—
he’s drying them out and wants to sell them.*

PAPHLAGONIAN
I’m not afraid of you, not while the Senate
is alive and kicking and the people
just sit around looking like total fools.

CHORUS
Whatever happens he has no shame.
His colour always remains the same. 530
If you’re not a fellow I despise,
let me be spread beneath the thighs
of Cratinus as his piss-soaked fleece, [400]
or may I be taught to sing a piece
by Morsimus, some tragical song.*
You pest, you’re always buzzing along,
searching around all through the town,
wherever you go, and settling down
on bribery blooms. O may you please
vomit mouthfuls of cash with the same ease 540
you sucked them down—for then I would sing
“Drink, let us drink—it’s such a good thing!”

CHORUS LEADER
And Ulius, I think, who checks grain, too,
and keeps his eye cruising for lads to screw,
would sing out to Bacchus, “O god, thank you.”*

PAPHLAGONIAN
By Poseidon, you will not outdo me
in shamelessness. If you do, may I never
have any part of those offerings of meat
to Zeus, god of our public meeting place!* [410]

SAUSAGE SELLER
And I swear by the many fists whose thrashings 550
I’ve had so often since I was a kid
and by the cuts from butcher’s knives, I know
in this business I will outperform you.
If not, there’d be no point in being so large
after eating nothing but finger wipes.*

PAPHLAGONIAN
You mean bread for wiping hands, just like a dog?
You silly fool, on a diet of dog food,
how will you battle a dog-faced baboon?

SAUSAGE SELLER
By god, I have other tricks from my youth.
I’d swindle the butchers by saying things like, 560
“Hey lads, take a look. You see that swallow?
Springtime is here!” And when they’d gaze up,
right then I’d snatch off some of their meat. [420]

DEMOSTHENES
O cleverest of men! You planned that well—
like those who eat nettles, you stole your meat
before the swallows came.*

SAUSAGE SELLER
And I did it
without being noticed! If one of them saw,
I’d hide the stuff—shove it in my butt crack
and swear by the gods I’d done nothing wrong.
When some politician saw what I did, 570
he said, “There’s no doubt about it—this child
is someone who will control the people.”

DEMOSTHENES
What he said was right. And it’s very clear
what led him to arrive at that judgment—
you could steal, perjure yourself, and shove meat
inside your ass.

PAPHLAGONIAN
I’ll stop this man’s insolence—
or rather, I’ll put an end to both of you.
I’ll come at the two of you, sweeping down [430]
with a driving mighty wind, confounding
land and sea into a common chaos. 580

SAUSAGE SELLER
Then I’ll haul in the sausages and let
myself sail along before the friendly breeze,
while telling you to wail and howl away.

DEMOSTHENES
I’ll watch out for the bilges, just in case
we start to spring a leak.

PAPHLAGONIAN
By Demeter,
you’re not going to get away with stealing
so many talents from the Athenians!

DEMOSTHENES [pretending he’s on a ship]
Keep your eyes peeled! Ease off on the sail rope!
There’s a north-east wind starting to blow in
a storm of accusations!

SAUSAGE SELLER
I understand 590
you took ten talents from Potidaea.*

PAPHLAGONIAN
What about it? Would you like one talent
to keep your mouth shut?

[The Paphlagonian offers the Sausage Seller a sum of money.]

DEMOSTHENES [grabbing the money]
He’d be happy to take it. [440]
Slacken the main brace! The wind’s easing off.

PAPHLAGONIAN
You’ll be charged [with bribery]—four lawsuits—
each one carries a hundred talent fine.*

SAUSAGE SELLER
You’ll be charged with twenty for skipping out
on military service—and thousands more
for theft.

PAPHLAGONIAN
I claim you are a descendant
of those who carried out a sacrilege 600
against our goddess.*

SAUSAGE SELLER
And your grandfather,
I proclaim, was one of the bodyguards . . .

PAPHLAGONIAN
What bodyguards? Tell us.

SAUSAGE SELLER
. . . to Bursina,
who was wife of Hippias the tyrant.*

PAMPHLAGONIAN
You’re a total rogue!

SAUSAGE SELLER
And you’re a scoundrel. [450]

[The Sausage Seller threatens to hit the Paphlagonian with a string of sausages.]

DEMOSTHENES
Hit him! Give him a hefty swipe!

[The Sausage Seller starts hitting the Paphlagonian with his sausages.]

PAPHLAGONIAN
Oooowww! That hurts!
These conspirators are beating me up!

DEMOSTHENES
Hit him as hard as you can! And lash him
on the stomach with your tripe and guts.
Punch him in that paunch of his!

[The Paphlagonian sinks down under the assault by the Sausage Seller.]

CHORUS LEADER [to the Sausage Seller]
You brave heart! 610
The noblest of all slabs of meat! You show up
as a saviour for our city and for us,
its citizens—how well, how brilliantly
your speeches have demoralized that man.
What praise for you can match the joy we feel? [460]

PAPHLAGONIAN [pulling himself together and getting up]
By Demeter, I was not unaware
of this conspiracy they were framing—
I knew what they were nailing together
and hammering into one—the whole scheme!

SAUSAGE SELLER
And I’m not unaware of what you’re doing 620
in Argos. He pretends he’s making Argives
our friends, but he’s negotiating there
with Spartans—one of his private deals.*

DEMOSTHENES
Come on, aren’t you going to use any words
to match his language from the building trades?*

SAUSAGE SELLER
And I know why the bellows are blowing—
they’re forging something for the prisoners.*

DEMOSTHENES
Good! O that’s good! His carpentry answered [470]
with phrases from the blacksmith’s forge.

SAUSAGE SELLER
There are men
in Sparta hammering at it as well. 630
But if you offer me gold or silver
or ship me your friends, you won’t stop me
announcing this to all Athenians.

PAPHLAGONIAN
Well, I’m going to the Council right away
to inform them of the conspiracies
involving all of you—those meetings
you have in the city during the night,
all your secret dealings with the Persians
and their Great King and how you’re making hay
with the Boeotians.*

SAUSAGE SELLER
Ah, hay! In Boeotia 640 [480]
what’s the going rate for hay?

PAPHLAGONIAN [exasperated]
By Hercules,
I’ll stretch that hide of yours!

[The Paphlagonian leaves, moving toward the city.]

DEMOSTHENES [to Sausage Seller]
Come on now!
What sort of brain and heart do you possess?
Now’s the time to show if you really hid
that meat inside your butt crack way back when,
the way you say you did. You’ve got to dash
to the Council rooms—running all the way.
That man is about to descend on them
and slander every one of us, howling
and kicking up a fuss.

SAUSAGE SELLER
I’m going. But first, 650
I’ll get rid of my tripe and sausages—
I’ll leave them here.

DEMOSTHENES
Hang on! Rub some of this grease [490]
on your neck and throat, so you can slide out
from his false charges.

SAUSAGE SELLER
Excellent advice—
spoken like a wrestling master.

DEMOSTHENES [rubbing meat grease on the Sausage Seller]
All right.
Now take this and swallow it!

SAUSAGE SELLER
What is it?

DEMOSTHENES
You’ll fight better when you’re stuffed with garlic.
Hurry up! Get a move on!*

SAUSAGE SELLER
That’s what I’m doing!

[The Sausage Seller leaves in the same direction as the Paphlagonian.]

DEMOSTHENES [shouting after the Sausage Seller]
Remember now—bite the man, slander him,
eat up his coxcomb. Don’t come back here 660
until you’ve gobbled his wattles.

CHORUS LEADER [in the direction of the Sausage Seller]
Go and good luck!
May you live up to my hopes, and may Zeus [500]
god of our public assembly, protect you,
and may you come back to us in triumph,
adorned with the garlands of victory.

[Demosthenes exits into the house. The Chorus Leader turns to address the audience.]

Now pay attention to our formal verse,
you who have on your own already heard
all the different offerings of the Muse.*

If one of the comic playwrights from long ago
had tried to make us step out to this audience 670
and recite a speech, it would not have been easy
for him to get his way. But today our poet
is worth the effort, because he hates the same men
we despise and dares to speak the truth, charging [510]
courageously against typhoon and hurricane.
He says that many of you have come up to him
astonished that he did not long ago request
a chorus in his own name and questioning him
about it. He has asked us to explain to you
why this has happened.* He asserts that it was not 680
foolishness that prompted his delay but rather
that he considered producing comic drama
the most difficult task of all. Many attempt
to court the Comic Muse, but she grants her favours
only to a few. And he has long recognized
that you have a fickle nature—for you betrayed
earlier poets once they grew old. He knows well
what Magnes went through as soon as his hair turned white.* [520]
He had hoisted many trophies of victory
over his rivals, and though he had created 690
every kind of sound for your delight, by singing,
flapping his wings, performing as a Lydian
or a gnat, or smearing himself green as a frog,
that was not enough. In his youth things turned out well,
but at the end, in old age, you hissed him away,
that old man, whose jokes had lost their satiric bite.*
After that, our poet brought to mind Cratinus,
who once, flowing on torrents of your approval,
raced through unencumbered plains and, as he sped on,
uprooted oak and plane trees and his rivals, too, 700
and carried them away.* And at drinking parties
the only songs were “O Goddess of Bribery,
with sandals made of figs,” and “O you composers
of intricate hymns”—that’s how famous he was then.* [530]
But look at him now—he’s a decrepit old man.
His tuning pegs are gone, his tone has disappeared,
his joints have split apart, yet you don’t pity him.
He wanders around in his dotage, like Connas,
wearing a withered garland and dying of thirst.*
Given his previous triumphs, he should be drinking 710
in the Prytaneum, and instead of acting
like an idiot, he should be sitting smartly groomed
with the spectators alongside Dionysus.*
Look at how much Crates suffered from your abuse
and anger, a man who used to provide you snacks
for not much money and then send you home again,
coming up with the most elegant conceptions
from his decorous lips.* But he kept persisting,
on his own, sometimes failing, sometimes succeeding. [540]
Fearing such treatment, our poet kept on stalling. 720
What’s more, he would tell himself he should first of all
be a rower before his hand gripped the tiller,
and later he’d watch from the prow to check the winds—
and only then would he be his own pilot.
For all these reasons, he moved with great prudence,
not rushing in like a fool and babbling nonsense.

So raise a cheer for the man, a powerful surge
with all of your fingers a generous urge
at our feast of Lenaea, so that our poet
leaves here with joy and success and can know it— 730
his forehead all bright with glistening delight.* [550]

CHORUS
O Poseidon, lord of horses
who rejoices in horses’ neighs,
in the clatter of bronze-shod hooves,
in swift triremes with deep-blue prows
carrying tribute on the sea,
in contests where those youthful lads
who seek fame by racing chariots
can suffer catastrophic spills,
come to us here, to your chorus, 740
O god of the golden trident,
you who watches over dolphins, [560]
who are worshipped at Sunium,
lord of Geraestus, son of Cronos,
dearest favourite of Phormio,
and for Athenians the god
more beloved than all the others,
the one our present crisis needs.*

CHORUS LEADER
We wish to sing the praises of our ancestors,
men worthy of this land who deserved to carry 750
the ceremonial robe.* In battles fought on land
or on the sea they were victorious all the time,
wherever they went—they brought our city honour.
And when they viewed their enemies, none of them
ever counted up their number. Instead, their hearts
at once were ready for the fray. If they fell down [570]
on their shoulder in a fight, they wiped off the dust
and denied they’d had a fall. Then they would resume
the struggle once again. No earlier general
would have asked Cleaenetus to serve him dinner 760
at state expense.* But now they say they will not fight
unless they get the privilege of front-row seats
and meals, as well. As for us, we believe we should
nobly guard our city and our country’s gods
without being paid. We ask for nothing beyond that,
except this one condition: if peace ever comes
and brings our hard work to an end, you will not mind
if we wear long hair and keep our skin well scrubbed.* [580]

CHORUS
O Pallas, guardian of our city,
shielding this most sacred place, 770
surpassing every land in war,
in poetry, and in her might,
come to us here and bring with you
the one who in campaigns and fights
stands there beside us, Victory,
companion in our choral songs,
who wars with us against our foes. [590]
Now show yourself before us here.
For if there ever is a time
when you must give a victory 780
by any means to these men here
that time has come right now.*

CHORUS LEADER
We know our horses well and wish to praise them.
They are worthy of our tributes, for along with us
they have endured so many battles and attacks.
But we admire them not so much for these events
as when they bravely jumped on board the transport ships,
once they had purchased drinking cups—and some of them [600]
got garlic, too, and onions.* Then they grabbed the oars,
just as we humans do, pulled hard on them, shouting, 790
“Horses, heave! Who’s doing the rowing? Pull back harder!
What are we doing? Hey you, you pedigree nag,
why aren’t you rowing?” They disembarked at Corinth.
The youngest then dug resting places with their hooves
and went to bring back blankets. Instead of clover,
they fed themselves on crabs if any scuttled up
onshore, or else they caught them on the ocean floor,
so that Theorus said a Corinthian crab
would cry, “O Poseidon, what a cruel misfortune,
if I cannot evade those knights either by land, 800 [610]
or even in the ocean depths, or on the sea.”*

[The Sausage Seller enters, returning from the city.]

CHORUS LEADER
O dearest and most vigorous of men,
how worried I have been since you’ve been gone.
Now you’re back again safe and sound, tell us
how did you make out in the competition?

SAUSAGE SELLER
The result is this—I’ve crushed the Council.

CHORUS [chanting]
Then everyone now
should shout with delight!
You speak very well
but your actions excite 810
much more than your words.

So come on, lay out
in very clear terms
what you’ve been about.
I really believe
I’d go a long way [620]
to hear what it is
that you have to say.

So my dear fellow,
be brave and tell all— 820
Each one of us gets
such joy from your gall.

SAUSAGE SELLER
Well then listen. The story is worth hearing.
I went rushing from here right behind him.
He was inside bursting with verbiage,
hurling his thunder, attacking the Knights
with fantastic stories, mountains of words,
shouting they were conspirators—his speech
was very convincing. The whole Council,
as it listened to his lies, grew spice hot, 830 [630]
with gazes like mustard and eyebrows tense.
When I saw they believed what he was saying
and were falling for his lies and bull crap,
I said, “Come on, spirits of impudence,
you cheats, you boobies, you rogues and rascals,
and the Market, too, where I was brought up
as a child, give me boundless brazenness,
a salesman’s chatter, and a shameless voice.”
As I was saying this to myself, a man
whose arse hole had been buggered out of shape 840
let rip a fart to my right, an omen
from the gods for which I gave them thanks.*
I banged the barrier and knocked it over [640]
with my bum, opened my mouth really wide,
and shouted out, “Members of the Council,
I bring excellent news, and I am keen
you be the first to hear it: since the time
this war broke over us, I’ve never seen
a cheaper price for sardines.”* Their faces
immediately relaxed—they were prepared 850
to crown me for my good news. So I said,
as if I were telling them a secret,
that in order to buy lots of sardines
for just one obol, they should with all speed
confiscate all bowls from pottery shops. [650]
They looked at me with their mouths wide open
and applauded.* But the Paphlagonian,
guessing what I was up to and knowing
the kind of talk the Council really loved,
made a suggestion, “Gentlemen, I think, 860
in honour of this wonderful event
which has just been reported, we should now
offer a sacrifice to the goddess—
one hundred oxen for this happy news.”
The Council then swung back his way again.
So when I noticed I was being beaten
by his bullshit, I upped the ante on him
by shouting out, “Two hundred oxen!”
And then I recommended they make a vow
to Artemis, offering a thousand goats 870 [660]
tomorrow if the price of sardines
is a single obol for a hundred fish.
The Council was looking my way once more,
and eagerly. The Paphlagonian,
when he heard what I had said, was stunned—
he started to prattle raving nonsense.
So then the presidents and the archers
began to drag him off.* The Council members
stood around babbling on about sardines.
The Paphlagonian kept pleading with them, 880
saying, “Wait a little, so you can hear
what the Spartan messenger has to say.
He’s arrived here with a peace proposal.”
But with one voice the Councillors all shouted, [670]
“Why sue for a treaty now? My dear fellow,
it’s because they’ve learned our sardines are cheap.
We don’t want treaties! Let the war go on!”
They called for the presidents to adjourn
the assembly and then jumped the railing
in all directions. I snuck off quickly 890
to buy up all the coriander seeds
and onions on sale in the market place.
Then I passed them all around free of charge
as seasonings, a gift to Councillors,
who had no spices to put on their fish.
They all sang my praises and lavished me [680]
with their attention, so I won over
all the Council with some coriander—
an obol’s worth! Then I came back here.

CHORUS [chanting]
In all of these things 900
you’ve been very good,
getting your way
as a lucky man should.

The rascal’s now knows
that he’s met defeat—
another man beat him
at being a cheat,
a far greater rogue,
with many more tricks,
and intricate lies, 910
and smooth talk that sticks.

You need to take care
to come off the best
when you fight once again
and are put to the test.
You’ve known for a while
that we are a friend,
your trustworthy ally
right to the end. [690]

[The Paphlagonian enters, returning from the city.]

SAUSAGE SELLER
Ah ha! Here comes the Paphlagonian, 920
driving an fearful swell in front of him,
seething and foaming, as if he’s ready
to swallow me up. My goodness, he’s brash!

PAPHLAGONIAN
If I have any of my old lies left,
I’ll wipe you out—otherwise I’m done for
completely up the creek!

SAUSAGE SELLER
I love your threats!
Your smoke-and-mirror chatter makes me laugh
and dance a horny jig—the chicken dance!

[The Sausage Seller taunts the Paphlagonian by imitating a chicken—flapping his arms, hopping around, and making chicken-like noises.]

PAPHLAGONIAN
By Demeter, if I don’t eat you up,
kick you out of here, I’ll never survive. 930

SAUSAGE SELLER
If you don’t eat me up? And I won’t live, [700]
if I don’t drink you down and then explode
with you stuffed in my guts.

PAPHLAGONIAN
I’ll destroy you—
I swear that by the privileged seating
I won by my victory at Pylos.

SAUSAGE SELLER
My, my—privileged seating! How I long
to see you tossed from your privileged seat
and sitting in a row right at the back.

PAPHLAGONIAN
By heaven, I’ll have you clapped in the stocks!

SAUSAGE SELLER
What a nasty temper! Now, let me see— 940
what can I give you to eat? What nourishment
would you find truly sweet? Why not this purse?

[The Sausage Seller holds up a purse and jingles the coins in front of the Paphlagonian.]

PAPHLAGONIAN
I’ll eviscerate you with my nails!

SAUSAGE SELLER
I’ll pare down your Pyrtaneum dinners!

PAPHLAGONIAN
I’ll drag you to Demos—I’ll have justice
from you!

SAUSAGE SELLER
Then I’ll haul you off to him—
I can produce more slanders than you can.

PAPHLAGONIAN
You poor idiot! He won’t believe you.
I play around with him just as I wish.

SAUSAGE SELLER
You think of Demos as someone you own. 950

PAPHLAGONIAN
It’s because I know all the finger foods
he likes to nibble.

SAUSAGE SELLER
Yes, but you feed him
like a dishonest nurse—you chew the food,
then give him a small piece, once you’ve swallowed
three times as much yourself.

PAPHLAGONIAN
Besides, with my skill,
I can make Demos do whatever I want— [720]
I can open him up or close him tight.*

SAUSAGE SELLER
Even my arse hole knows how to do that.

PAPHLAGONIAN
Well, my dear fellow, you won’t be a man
who’s known to have showered me with insults 960
there in the Council. Let’s go to Demos.

SAUSAGE SELLER
There’s nothing to stop us. So come on then.

[The Sausage Seller moves towards the door of the house, beckoning the Paphlagonian over.]

Get moving. We should not hold back.

[The Sausage Seller and the Paphlagonian move to the door of the house and begin knocking on it.]

PAPHLAGONIAN [calling into the house through the door]
Demos!
Come on out here!

SAUSAGE SELLER [calling into the house]
Yes, father, for Zeus’ sake,
come outside!

PAPHLAGONIAN
Come out, dearest little Demos—
so you can see how I am being abused.

DEMOS [coming from the house]
Who’s doing all the shouting? Get out of here—
leave my doorway! You’ve torn this apart,
my harvest wreath.*

[Demos recognizes the Paphlagonian.]

Ah, Paphlagonian,
who’s being nasty to you?

PAPHLAGONIAN
Because of you 970 [730]
I’m being assaulted by this fellow here
and by these young men.

DEMOS
Why is that?

PAPHLAGONIAN
Because I am your loving friend, Demos,
and am very fond of you.

DEMOS [to the Sausage Seller]
And who are you?

SAUSAGE SELLER
I am this man’s rival. For a long time
I have loved you and wished to help you out—
along with many other fine good people.
But we have not been able to do that,
because of this man here. You’re like those lads
who play around with lovers, refusing 980
worthy, decent men and giving yourself
to lamp dealers, cobblers, shoemakers,
and men who trade in leather. [740]

PAPHLAGONIAN
Yes, because
I am good for Demos.

SAUSAGE SELLER
All right, tell me
just what do you do for him?

PAPHLAGONIAN
What do I do?
When the generals were dithering around,
I sailed in there and then brought those Spartans
back from Pylos.

SAUSAGE SELLER
And I, while strolling around,
stole a boiling pot from someone else’s shop.

PAPLAGONIAN
Demos, summon an assembly right now 990
to find out which one of the two of us
is more friendly to you. And then decide,
so you can make that man the one you love.

SAUSAGE SELLER
Yes, do that. Make a choice. Just don’t do it
at the Pnyx.

DEMOS
I would not sit in judgment [750]
in any other place. So we must move
up there. You must appear before the Pnyx.

[They all move over to a rock on one side of the orchestra. Demos sits down on the rock.]

SAUSAGE SELLER [aside, as they move]
Bloody hell, I’ve had now. The old man
is very sensible when he’s at home,
but whenever he sits down on that rock 1000
he’s a gaping idiot, just like some child
trying to catch figs with mouth wide open.*

CHORUS
Now you must spread out all your sail—
keep your spirit strong. Do not fail
in argument. Beat down that man.
He’s tricky—always with a plan
when he seems done for. So attack
like a raging wind. Don’t hold back! [760]

CHORUS LEADER
But take care! Before he closes in on you,
first hoist your lead weights into position, 1010
then run your ship at him along the side.*

PAPHLAGONIAN
I pray to lady Athena, who guards
our city, that if I have been the best
at serving the Athenian citizens—
apart from Lysicles and those two sluts
Cynna and Salabaccho—I may dine
in the Prytaneum, as I do now,
though I haven’t achieved a thing.* But if
I hate you, Demos, if I’m not prepared
to fight bravely for you all by myself, 1020
may I be destroyed—sawn in two, cut up
into leather straps for horses’ halters.

SAUSAGE SELLER
And if I don’t love and value you, Demos,
may I be diced up and boiled as mincemeat.
If you don’t believe that, may I be grated [770]
on this very table, chopped up with cheese,
mashed into a paste, may I be dragged off
to Kerameikos by my own meat hook
speared through my balls.*

PAPHLAGONIAN
Demos, how could there be
a citizen who loves you more than me? 1030
First of all, when I was on the Council,
in the treasury I produced for you
massive sums of money—I had some men
tortured, others throttled, and from others
I asked for a financial split—and I
never worried about private citizens,
if I could make you happy.

SAUSAGE SELLER
Hey, Demos,
there’s nothing so wonderful about that.
I’ll do that for you, as well. I’ll steal bread
from other men and serve it up to you. 1040
This man does not love you, and his feelings [780]
for you are not friendly—except for one thing:
he enjoys warming himself at your fire.
That’s the first thing I’ll demonstrate to you.
You who took your swords against the Persians
at Marathon to save your native land,
and by winning gave us a chance to shout
such glorious tributes—you’re sitting down there
on those hard rocks, and this man doesn’t care,
unlike me, for I bring you this cushion, 1050
which I sewed myself. Now, lift yourself up,
and sit down gently so you don’t strain
that arse that did so well at Salamis.*

[The Sausage Seller helps Demos get up and sit down again on a cushion he has brought with him.]

DEMOS
Who are you? Are you from that fine family
of Harmodius? I must say you’ve done
a truly noble act—you’re a real friend
of the people!*

PAPHLAGONIAN
Such tiny flatteries
to win him over!

SAUSAGE SELLER
Well, you got him hooked
with lures much tinier than these!

PAPHLAGONIAN
I’m willing to wager my head and state 1060
that no man has ever shown up who loved
Demos more than I do or who was better
at protecting him.

SAUSAGE SELLER
How could you love him
when for eight years you have seen him living
in casks, crannies, and turrets, yet show him
no pity—instead you keep him locked in
and steal his honey? When Archeptolemus
brought peace proposals, you ripped them to shreds
and drove the embassy offering peace terms
out of town, whipping their backsides.*

PAPHLAGONIAN
I did that 1070
so Demos might rule over all the Greeks—
for the oracles declare that one day
he must sit in judgment in Arcadia
at five obols a day, if he bides his time.
At any rate, I will feed and care for him
and use fair and foul means to see to it
that he receives three obols every day.* [800]

SAUSAGE SELLER
By god, you’re not thinking of how Demos
could rule Arcadia—no—but of how
you can rob and take bribes from our allies 1080
and of how the fog of war will guarantee
Demos doesn’t see the crap you’re up to,
so in his distress, need, and lack of cash
he’ll keep gawping after you. But if he
ever takes off for the countryside and lives
in peace there, regaining his fortitude
by munching wheat cakes and saying hello
to his pressed olives, he will realize
how you cheated him of many benefits
with the salary you paid. Then he’ll come back 1090
from farming country an angry man, seeking
a voting pebble to use against you.*
You know all this and keep him in the dark,
with deceiving dreams about his future.

PAPHLAGONIAN
Is it not disgraceful that you talk of me [810]
in this manner, falsely accusing me
in front of these Athenians and Demos,
when I have done more good things by far
for Athens than Themistocles ever did?[1][1]

SAUSAGE SELLER [declaiming the first sentence in tragic style]
O city of Argos hearken to the things 1100
of which he speaks!

[turning his attention to the Paphlagonian]

You dare compare yourself
with Themistocles? He found our city
partially full and left it overflowing.
What’s more, while she was enjoying breakfast
he prepared Piraeus for her to eat
and served up new varieties of fish
without getting rid of all the old ones.
But you keep trying to make Athenians
small-town citizens by constructing walls
that close them in and chanting oracles— 1110
and you compare yourself to Themistocles!
He is sent in exile from the city,
while you wipe fingers on fine barley cake.*

PAPHLAGONIAN
O Demos, is it not shameful to hear [820]
things like this about me from this fellow,
all because I love you?

DEMOS [to the Paphlagonian]
Just shut up, you!
Stop this foul abuse. For far too long now
you’ve been getting away with duping me.

SAUSAGE SELLER
My dear little Demos, he’s the worst of rogues,
who’s carried out all sorts of nasty schemes. 1120
Whenever you are yawning, he taps into
the sap of those who audit the accounts
and slurps it down—he uses both his hands
to scoop up public money.

PAPHLAGONIAN
You’ll pay for that!
I’ll convict you of stealing city cash—
thirty thousand drachmas!

SAUSAGE SELLER
Why use your oar [830]
just to make a splash? You’ve been committing
the most disgraceful things against the people
here in Athens. And I will clearly show,
by Demeter, that you received a bribe 1130
from Mytilene—more than forty minas.*
If not, then may I not remain alive.

CHORUS
O you who appear the greatest benefactor
for all men, how I envy your persuasive tongue.
If you keep on attacking in this way, you’ll be
the greatest of the Greeks, and you, all by yourself,
will govern in the city, control our allies,
and, with a trident in your hand, will shake things up,
and by confusing things make piles and piles of money.* [840]

CHORUS LEADER
Don’t let this man slip away, now he’s let 1140
you get a grip on him. With lungs like yours
you’ll have no trouble overpowering him.

PAPHLAGONIAN
Things have not yet gone that far, my good friends,
by Poseidon. For what I have achieved
is marvellous enough to shut the mouths
of my enemies, each and every one,
as long as one of those shields from Pylos
still remains.*

SAUSAGE SELLER
You keep clinging to those shields!
You’ve given me something to grab hold of.
If you loved the people, then you should not 1150
allow these shields to be hung up on show
with their straps attached. It’s a clever scheme,
Demos, so that if you wish to punish him, [850]
you won’t be able to. You see how he has
a mob of young leather workers with him.
Close to them live men who sell our honey
and those who deal in cheese. All these men
have put their heads together in one group.
So if you were upset and looked as if
you might play around with broken pottery 1160
and have them ostracized, then late at night
they would all charge out and take down those shields,
then seize the entries to our stores of grain.*

DEMOS
That’s terrible. Do they still have their straps?
You scoundrel! You’ve been cheating me too long!
And short changing people!

PAPHLAGONIAN
But my dear sir,
don’t be the slave of the last word spoken. [860]
And don’t think you will ever come across
a better friend than me. I am the one
who put a stop to the conspirators, 1170
and without my having knowledge of it,
no one can start a hostile mutiny.
I shout out who they are immediately.

SAUSAGE SELLER
You’re like the fishermen who hunt for eels.
In calm waters, they catch nothing at all,
but if they stir up mud, they get a catch.
So you, too, gain something profitable
if you disturb the city. Tell me this—
from all those treated hides you have for sale
have you ever given this Demos here, 1180
who you say you love, soles for his shoes.

DEMOS
No, by Apollo. He never has. [870]

SAUSAGE SELLER
Well then,
do you now see the kind of man he is?
I, on the other hand, bought this pair of shoes,
and I’m giving them to you to wear.

[The Sausage Seller gives Demos a pair of shoes.]

DEMOS [putting on the shoes]
Of all men I know, you are, in my view,
the finest where the people are concerned,
the most dedicated to the city—
and to my toes.

PAPHLAGONIAN
Isn’t it terrible
a pair of shoes could be so important, 1190
and you can’t remember all I’ve done
on your behalf? I’m the one who stopped
those who screw other men illegally,
by taking Gryttus from the voting rolls.*

SAUSAGE SELLER
Surely what is terrible is that you
inspected arse holes and prevented
buggers breaking laws when there’s no doubt
you made them stop out of sheer jealousy,
fearing they might turn into politicians. [880]
But you can look at Demos, who’s so old, 1200
without a coat, and, even in winter,
you don’t think it’s proper to offer him
a garment with two sleeves. I, by contrast,
am presenting this to you.

[The Sausage Seller takes off his outer coat or cloak and gives it to Demos. Demos tries it on.]

DEMOS
What a fine idea—
even Themistocles never thought of that!
And although that business with Piraeus
was clever enough, in my opinion
it’s not a greater notion than this coat.*

PAPHLAGONIAN
My god, what silly tricks you keep using
to attack me!

SAUSAGE SELLER
No, I’m simply borrowing 1210
your strategies, in the same way a man
who’s been drinking, when he needs a shit,
might help himself to someone else’s slippers.*

PAPHLAGONIAN [taking off his coat]
You’re not going to outdo me with flattery! [890]
I’ll put this over him. You can shove it,
you scoundrel!

[The Paphlagonian tries to place his coat around Demos, who rejects the offer.]

DEMOS [struggling against the Paphlagonian]
Bah! Damn and blast you to hell!
It stinks of leather—totally disgusting!

SAUSAGE SELLER
He tried to wrap you in that deliberately
so he could suffocate you. That’s the scheme
he worked on you before. You know the time 1220
the cost of silphium stalks was so cheap?*

DEMOS
Yes, I remember that.

SAUSAGE SELLER
Well, this man here
made sure the cost was low on purpose,
so people would buy the stuff and eat it,
and then jury men sitting in the courts
would kill each other with their farts.

DEMOS
By Poseidon,
that’s just what a man from Shitsville told me.*

SAUSAGE SELLER
At that time did you not all turn reddish brown [900]
from all the farting.

DEMOS
By god, that was a scheme
worthy of some rogue we caught red handed.*

PAPHLAGONIAN [aside to the Sausage Seller]
You bastard! 1230
You’re pissing me off with all this foolery.

SAUSAGE SELLER
Well, the goddess told me I could beat you
in slinging bullshit.

PAPHLAGONIAN
But you won’t prevail.

[He turns back to Demos]

Demos, I say I’ll offer you a bowl
of state money, a salary, to feast on—
and you don’t ever have to do a thing!

SAUSAGE SELLER
And I’m giving you this small container,
some ointment, to rub over these bruises
on your shins.

PAPHLAGONIAN
But I’ll pluck out your grey hairs
and make you young again.

SAUSAGE SELLER
Look here, take this— 1240
a hare’s tail to wipe your dear little eyes.

PAPHLAGONIAN [putting his head in Demos’ lap]
Blow your nose, Demos, and then use my head [910]
to wipe snot from your fingers.

SAUSAGE SELLER [shoving his head down, too]
No, no. Use mine.

PAPHLAGONIAN
No, mine!

[To the Sausage Seller]

I’ll make you captain of a ship—
that will take all your money. You’ll have
an old ship, so you never see an end
to spending cash and making more repairs.
I’ll make sure you get one with rotten sails.*

SAUSAGE SELLER [pretending to be very alarmed]
The man is on the boil! Stop! That’s enough!
He’s boiling over. We have to pull away 1250
some of the faggots and skim off his threats
with this ladle.*

PAPHLAGONIAN
I’ll make you pay for this—
I’ll crush you with taxes. I’ll make sure your name
is listed among those with lots of cash.*

SAUSAGE SELLER
I will make no threats. But I have a wish—
may your saucepan of squid be standing there
sizzling hot and you about to announce [930]
your view of the Milesians and so gain
a talent for yourself if you win out;
may you be making haste to eat the squid 1260
and still get to the meeting in good time,
but before you eat the meal, may a man
come for you, and you, in your eagerness
to get that talent, swallow down the squid [940]
and choke on it.

CHORUS LEADER
By Zeus, that’s a splendid wish!
Yes, by Apollo and Demeter, too!

DEMOS
I agree, and it’s clear enough this man
is a fine citizen. It’s been ages
since a man of his sort has come along
for the vulgar common folk. As for you, 1270
Paphlagonian, you say you love me,
but you just make me ready for a fight.
Now, hand back my signet ring—no longer
will you be my steward.

PAPHLAGONIAN [removing a large ring]
Take it. But know this—
if you won’t allow me to be your steward,
another man will show up and get his turn,
someone more disreputable than me. [950]

DEMOS [inspecting the ring]
This cannot be my ring. It looks as if
there’s a different seal, unless I’m going blind.

SAUSAGE SELLER
Let me have a look. What was your seal? 1280

DEMOS
A fig leaf stuffed with beef fat.

SAUSAGE SELLER
That’s not what’s here.

DEMOS
Not a fig leaf? What is it, then?

SAUSAGE SELLER
A sea gull
with its mouth wide open—making a speech
from the top of a rock.*

DEMOS
O that’s dreadful!

SAUSAGE SELLER
What’s the matter?

DEMOS
Put that ring away!
Out of my sight! It’s not my signet ring.
It has to belong to Cleonymus.*

[Demos produces another ring.]

I’ll give you this one. You can be my steward.

PAPHLAGONIAN
Master, don’t do that yet, I implore you. [960]
Not before you’ve heard my oracles. 1290

SAUSAGE SELLER
And mine, as well.

PAPHLAGONIAN
If you believe this man,
you’ll be flayed into a leather bottle.

SAUSAGE SELLER
And if you trust him, your prick will be sliced
and cut down to a twig.

PAPHLAGONIAN
My oracles
state that you are to govern every land
with a crown of roses.

SAUSAGE SELLER
And mine predict
you will wear an embroidered purple robe
with a crown and, standing in a gold chariot,
you’ll pursue Smicythos and his husband
in the courts.*

CHORUS LEADER [to Sausage Seller]
Well then, get the oracles, 1300 [970]
so that this man can listen to them.

SAUSAGE SELLER
All right.

CHORUS LEADER [To the Paphlagonian]
And you get yours, as well.

PAPHLAGONIAN
I’ll get them.

SAUSAGE SELLER
By god, we’ll do it. Nothing’s stopping us.

[The Paphlagonian goes into the house to fetch his oracles. The Sausage Seller moves over to his stuff and rummages through it to find some papers that he can pretend are oracles.]

CHORUS
How very sweet will be the light of day
for those who visit here and those who stay
if Cleon is destroyed—though I did hear
some crotchety old geezers speaking near
the list of law suits by the market gate [980]
who claimed if he had not become so great
the city would lack two useful boons 1310
our pounding pestles and stirring spoons.*

I’m amazed in music he’s such a swine.
His class mates at school say all the time
he’d tune his strings in the Dorian way, [990]
unwilling to find out how he might play
a different mode.* His teacher grew stern
and sent him away, “This boy cannot learn.
All he will play is the Dorian style—
he won’t pull strings if it’s not worth his while.”*

PAPHLAGONIAN [coming from the house with a pile of scrolls]
Here, look at this lot. I haven’t brought out 1320
all of them.

SAUSAGE SELLER [with an even bigger pile of scrolls]
By god, I need to take a shit!
I’m not carrying them all.

DEMOS
What is this?

PAPHLAGONIAN
Oracles.

DEMOS
All of them?

PAPHLAGONIAN
Are you surprised?
By god, I’ve got a chest jammed full of them. [1000]

SAUSAGE SELLER
I’ve got an attic and two apartments full.

DEMOS
Come on, let’s have a look. These oracles—
who do they come from?

PAPHLAGONIAN
Mine are from Bacis.

DEMOS [to the Sausage Seller]
Who do yours come from?

SAUSAGE SELLER
They’re from Glanis,
Bacis’ elder brother.

DEMOS [to the Paphlagonian]
What are they about?

PAPHLAGONIAN
About Athens, about Pylos, about you, 1330
about me, about everything.

DEMOS [to the Sausage Seller]
And yours?
What are they about?

SAUSAGE SELLER
They’re about Athens,
about lentil soup, about the Spartans,
about fresh mackerel, about flour merchants
who give false measure in the market place,
about you, about me. That man there—

[indicating the Paphlagonian]

let him suck his own cock. [1010]

DEMOS
Well, come on then,
read them to me—especially that one
which I enjoy so much, that I’ll become
an eagle in the clouds.*

PAPHLAGONIAN
Then listen, 1340
and give me now your complete attention:

[The Paphlagonian reads from one of the scrolls]

“Son of Erechtheus, hearken to the intent
of Apollo’s oracles, which he pronounces
through holy tripods from his inner shrine.
He has ordered you to keep safe the sacred hound
with the jagged teeth who barks in your defence,
and on your behalf yowls out alarming noises.
He will furnish you with payments, and if he fails,
he will go under, for there are countless jackdaws
who hate that dog and keep screaming after him.” 1350 [1020]

DEMOS
By Demeter, I do not understand
a word he says. What does Erechtheus
have to do with jackdaws and a dog?

PAPHLAGONIAN
I am that dog. I howl in your defence.
Phoebus tells you to protect your dog—me.*

SAUSAGE SELLER
The oracle says nothing of the sort.
This dog here . . .

[The Sausage Seller indicates the Paphlagonian.]

. . . is chewing up your oracles
the way dogs chew on doorposts. I have here
the proper prophecy about the dog.

DEMOS
Then state it. But first I’ll pick up this stone, 1360
so the oracle about the dog won’t bite.

SAUSAGE SELLER [pretending to read from his scroll]
“Son of Erechtheus, beware of Cerberus, [1030]
the dog which kidnaps men.* When you are at a meal
he fawns on you with wagging tail, but he’s watching
to devour your dishes, when you look away,
your mouth agape. Often in the night he sneaks
into your kitchen rooms, while you are unaware,
and, like a dog, licks clean your plates and islands.”

DEMOS
By Poseidon, Glanis, that’s much better!

PAPHLAGONIAN
Well, listen to this one and then decide: 1370

[The Paphlagonian reads from another scroll]

“A woman in sacred Athens will bear a lion,
who will fight for the people against huge clouds
of gnats, as if he were protecting his own cubs.
Look after him. Build wooden walls around him [1040]
and towers of iron.”

Do you know what that means?

DEMOS
By Apollo, I don’t.

PAPHLAGONIAN
The god clearly states
you should look after me, because I am
that lion symbol.

DEMOS
How did you become
the lion Simba without my knowledge?*

SAUSAGE SELLER
He’s quite deliberately not explaining 1380
something in that saying—the only wall
made out of iron and wood inside which
Loxias has told you to preserve the man.*

DEMOS
Why does the god say these words?

SAUSAGE SELLER
He’s telling you
to tie this man down in those wooden stocks,
the ones which have five holes.*

DEMOS
I think that oracle [1050]
is just about to be fulfilled.

PAPHLAGONIAN
Don’t believe him!
The crows are jealous. They keep cawing at me.

[The Paphlagonian reads from another scroll.]

“Cherish the hawk, and remember in your heart
he was the one who on your behalf brought back 1390
those young Spartan ravens all chained together.”

SAUSAGE SELLER
The Paphlagonian was drunk that day—
that’s why he took such a dangerous risk.

[The Sausage Seller pretends to read from one of his scrolls.]

“O poorly counselled son of Cecrops, why believe
that was a mighty deed?* For even a woman
can bear a load if a man places it on her.
But she won’t fight.”

[The Sausage Seller points to the Paphlagonian.]

If he went into battle,
he’d shit himself.

PAPHLAGONIAN
But consider the phrase
“Pylos before Pylos,” something the god
has drawn to your attention—there is 1400
“A Pylos before Pylos.”

DEMOS
What does he mean
by that expression “Pylos before Pylos”?*

SAUSAGE SELLER
He’s saying he will pile up piles of bath tubs [1060]
and take them from the wash house.*

DEMOS
So today
I won’t be having my bath?

SAUSAGE SELLER
No, you won’t,
since he’s taken away our tubs. Here’s one—
an oracle about the fleet. You should
give it your very close attention.

DEMOS
I’m listening. You read it. First of all,
how my sailors are going to get their pay. 1410

SAUSAGE SELLER [pretending to read from a scroll]
“Son of Aegeus, beware of the fox-dog,
in case he tricks you. He’s full of deceit,
runs fast, and is cunning and resourceful.”

Do you know what that means?

DEMOS
Well, the dog fox—
that’s Philostratus.*

SAUSAGE SELLER
That’s not what it says. [1070]
It’s about the fast ships which collect cash,
the ones this fellow here keeps requesting.*
Loxias is telling you not to give them.

DEMOS
How does a warship become a fox dog?

SAUSAGE SELLER
How come? Because warships and fox dogs 1420
both move fast.

DEMOS
Then why does it say fox dog
instead of just dog?

SAUSAGE SELLER
It’s a comparison.
It’s saying fox dogs resemble soldiers,
who, like them, feed on grapes from vineyards.*

DEMOS
All right, then. Where’s the pay for these fox cubs?

SAUSAGE SELLER
I’ll see to that and within three days, too.
But pay attention to this oracle, [1080]
where Leto’s son tells you to shun the port
called Crooked Harbour—that place may trick you.*

DEMOS
What’s Crooked Harbour?

SAUSAGE SELLER [indicating the Paphlagonian]
It clearly states here 1430
that Crooked Harbour is this fellow’s hand—
since he’s always saying, “My hand’s crooked,
so put something in it.”

PAPHLAGONIAN
He’s telling lies!
The correct reading of that cryptic saying
is that Phoebus means by “Crooked Harbour”
the hand of Diopeithes.* But look here,
I have an oracle with wings—about you.
You will become an eagle and a king
ruling all the earth.

SAUSAGE SELLER
I have one, as well—
you will rule the Earth and Red Sea, too, 1440
be a presiding judge in Ebatana
and lick up decorated cakes.*

PAPHLAGONIAN
In a dream
I have seen Athena herself. I saw her [1090]
pouring health and wealth all over Demos
with a bucket.

SAUSAGE SELLER
I’ve seen the goddess, too.
I saw her come in person, moving out
from the Acropolis—she had an owl
perched on her helmet. Then over your head
she poured ambrosia from a little jug,
and over his head . . .

[indicating the Paphlagonian]

. . . she dumped pickled garlic. 1450

DEMOS
That’s wonderful! It’s really true that no one
is cleverer than Glanis. And so now
I commit myself to you, to guide me
in my old age and to educate me
once more from the start.

PAPHLAGONIAN
No, no! Not yet!
I’m begging you. Just wait a little while, [1100]
so I can provide some barley for you
and what you need to live on every day.

DEMOS
I can’t stand to hear you talk of barley.
I’ve been cheated too many times by you 1460
and by Thuphanes.*

PAPHLAGONIAN
Then I’ll provide you
specially prepared flour cakes.

SAUSAGE SELLER
I’ll give you
well-kneaded scones and nicely roasted meat,
All you have to do is eat it.

DEMOS
All right.
Get a move on with what you’re going to do.
Then I’ll hand over the keys to the Pnyx
to whichever one of you is better
at giving me good service.

PAPHLAGONIAN
I’ll be the first
to run inside.

SAUSAGE SELLER
No you won’t. I will! [1110]

[The Paphlagonian and the Sausage Seller both rush into the house.]

CHORUS
O Demos your rule 1470
is surely so fine,
you’re like a tyrant
men fear all the time.
But you’re easy to fool,
you like flattering cries
and love to be praised
and told plenty of lies.
You listen to speakers
with mouth open wide
your mind may be present 1480
but it’s gone for a ride. [1120]

DEMOS
If you think I’m a dolt,
then beneath your long hair
you’ve got no brain at all.
I am fully aware
that I act like a fool—
I like drinking each day,
and I raise up a thief
for political sway,
with this purpose in mind— 1490
when he’s stuffed himself fat,
then I lift up my hand
and knock him down flat. [1130]

CHORUS
What you do then is good,
and your style, as you say,
in these things is profound,
if you use a sly way
to keep raising these men
like our victims of state.
They grow great on the Pnyx, 1500
so you won’t have to wait.
Then you take one who’s fat,
if you need to eat meat,
set him up as an offering
and have something to eat.* [1140]

DEMOS
Look at me—I am smart.
I deceive all those men
who think they’re so clever
and can fool me again.
I’m on watch for them all, 1510
and my eye always looks
though I don’t seem to see,
when they’re acting like crooks.
Then I make them throw up
what they’ve stolen from folk—
on the voting urn top
they all puke when I poke.* [1150]

[The Paphlagonian and the Sausage Seller return from the house. They are each carrying a chest full of food and are getting in each other’s way.]

PAPHLAGONIAN
Get the devil out of my way!

SAUSAGE SELLER
Shove off!

PAPHLAGONIAN
Demos, for a long, long time I’ve been here
sitting ready, really keen to serve you. 1520

SAUSAGE SELLER
And I’ve been ready for ages and ages—
ten, twelve, a thousand—an infinite time.

DEMOS
I’ve been waiting thirty thousand ages,
fed up with you both for an eternity.

SAUSAGE SELLER
You know what you should do?

DEMOS
I will if you tell me.

SAUSAGE SELLER
Send me and him out from a starting line,
so we can race to see who serves you best—
under equal conditions.

DEMOS
That we must do. [1160]
Get in line.*

[The Paphlagonian and the Sausage Seller assume the positions of sprinters about to race off.]

PAPHLAGONIAN AND SAUSAGE SELLER
Ready!

DEMOS
Then off you go!

[The Paphlagonian and the Sausage Seller race off to their separate chests and piles of stuff.]

SAUSAGE SELLER
I won’t let you win by some secret trick! 1530

DEMOS
By god, today my lovers will make me
extremely happy or else I’ll have to
keep playing the coy coquette.

PAPHLAGONIAN [running back to Demos]
Look at this!
I’m the first here—I’m bringing you a chair!

SAUSAGE SELLER
But not a table—I was the first with that.

PAPHLAGONIAN
Look at this. I’ve brought you barley cake
prepared by hand with grain from Pylos.

SAUSAGE SELLER
I’ve got some scooped out bread crusts. They were made
by the goddess’ ivory hand.

DEMOS
Lady Athena,
how huge your fingers are!* [1170]

PAPLAGONIAN
I have pea soup— 1540
tasty and a splendid colour. Pallas,
who fought at Pylos, stirred it herself.

SAUSAGE SELLER
O Demos, the goddess is watching you—
that’s clear enough—and now above your head
she holds a pot brim full of broth.

DEMOS
Do you think
we’d still be inhabiting this city
if she was not clearly holding over us
a pan of broth?

PAPHLAGONIAN
And here’s a slice of fish—
it’s a present to you from the goddess
who strikes panic into every army. 1550

SAUSAGE SELLER
And here is meat cooked in its own juices
from the daughter of a mighty father—
along with a slice of tripe and sausage.

DEMOS
She’s remembering the robe I gave her. [1180]
That’s nice.

PAPHLAGONIAN
The goddess of the dreadful plume
bids you eat this pound cake—with its rhythms
we’ll be better at rowing ships.*

SAUSAGE SELLER
Take this, too.

DEMOS
What do I do with these bits of stomach?

SAUSAGE SELLER
The goddess sends these to you on purpose—
to fix our ships bellies. That makes it clear 1560
her eye is on our fleet. Have a drink now,
two measures of wine, three measures of water.*

DEMOS [sampling the wine]
Ah Zeus, how delicious that is—the wine
carries well the three measures of water.

SAUSAGE SELLER
Athena, thrice born, mixed in the three parts.*

PAPHLAGONIAN
Here, take this slice of rich flat-cake from me. [1190]

SAUSAGE SELLER
But from me you will get this entire cake.

PAPHLAGONIAN
But you don’t have stewed hare to give him. I do!

SAUSAGE SELLER [to himself]
Damn and blast it! Where can I get a hare?
Come on, brain, produce some devious trick.* 1570

PAPHLAGONIAN [pulling a hare from his supply]
You see this, you miserable devil!

SAUSAGE SELLER [looking into the wings]
I don’t give a damn. I see men coming—
ambassadors to me bringing bags of cash.

PAPHLAGONIAN [putting the hare down and moving toward the wings]
Where? Where are they?

SAUSAGE SELLER [grabbing the hare]
What do you care?
Can’t you ever stop bothering foreigners?
My dear little Demos, you see this hare—
I’m bringing it for you.

PAPHLAGONIAN
You bloody cheat!
You’ve stolen my stuff! That’s not fair! [1200]

SAUSAGE SELLER
Yes, I have,
by Poseidon, just as you nicked those men
from Pylos.

DEMOS [to the Sausage Seller]
If you don’t mind my asking, 1580
tell me this—how did you get that idea
to steal the hare?

SAUSAGE SELLER
The idea is from Athena,
but the theft is all my own.

PAPHLAGONIAN
I took the risk,
and, in addition, I prepared the meat.

DEMOS
Get out of here. The one who brings the food
is the only one to get my grateful thanks.

PAPHLAGONIAN [aside]
Good god, his shamelessness will conquer mine!

SAUSAGE SELLER
All right, Demos, why not judge which of us
was the best to you and to your stomach?

DEMOS
How do I decide between the two of you, 1590
using facts that will make the audience
believe I am making a wise judgment? [1210]

SAUSAGE SELLER [pulling Demos aside and lowering his voice]
I’ll tell you. Don’t say a word. Go over there
to my basket. Check out what’s inside it.
Then, do that to the Paphlagonian’s.
That’s all you need to judge correctly.

DEMOS [moving to the Sausage Seller’s hamper]
Well then, let’s see. What’s in here?

SAUSAGE SELLER
It’s empty.
Can’t you see that? My dear little father,
I brought everything to you.

DEMOS
This hamper
is on the people’s side.

SAUSAGE SELLER
Now, stroll over here 1600
to the Paphlagonian’s. Do you see?

DEMOS
O my, it’s full of so many good things!
A huge piece of cake he kept for himself!
He cut off a slice and gave it to me—
only this big!

SAUSAGE SELLER
That’s what he did before.
He gave you a tiny part of what he took
and set aside most of it for himself.

DEMOS [to the Paphlagonian]
You wretch! Was that how you were cheating me,
by stealing? That symbol of your office—
I gave it to you.* I showered you with gifts. 1610

PAPHLAGONIAN
I did steal, but for the city’s benefit.

DEMOS
Take that badge off—and quickly, so that I
can confer it on that man.

SAUSAGE SELLER
Hand it over fast.
You worthless rogue, you deserve a whipping.

PAPHLAGONIAN
No. There is a Pythian oracle
which reveals the name of the only man
who is destined to overthrow me. [1230]

SAUSAGE SELLER
It spoke my name, and it was very clear.

PAPHLAGONIAN
All right. I wish to put you through a test
with certain evidence, to make quite sure 1620
you match what the god intended. And so
I will start by examining who you are.
As a boy, what schooling did you go through?

SAUSAGE SELLER
I was taught by being thrashed in the pits
where pigs are singed.

PAPHLAGON
What’s that you just said?

[aside to himself]

That oracle will give me a heart attack!

[returns to questioning the Sausage Seller]

All right. What did you learn from the teacher
in charge of wrestling?

SAUSAGE SELLER
Well, I learned this—
when I was stealing, I looked straight ahead
and told a lie.

PAPHLAGONIAN [aside to himself]
“O Phoebus Apollo, 1630
lord of Lycia, what will you do to me?” [1240]

This is a quotation from the Telephus of Euripides. [Back to Text]

[resuming the questioning of the Sausage Seller]

When you were grown up, what was your trade?

SAUSAGE SELLER
I sold sausages and fucked a bit for cash.

PAPHLAGONIAN [aside to himself]
My god, I’m screwed! I’m nothing any more!
But I’m still riding on one slender hope.

[resuming his questioning of the Sausage Seller]

Tell me this—where did you sell sausages,
in the market or at the city gates?

SAUSAGE SELLER
By the gates, where salted foods are sold.

PAPHLAGONIAN [in tragic style]
Alas, The god’s oracle has been fulfilled!
Roll this ill-fated wretch inside the house. 1640

[He takes of the garland symbolizing his office]

Farewell, my garland, you must now leave me.
With great reluctance I abandon you. [1250]
Some other man will now take you up
and will possess you—no greater thief,
but perhaps someone with more good fortune.*

[The Paphlagonian tosses the garland away and collapses, lying inert on the ground. The Sausage Seller catches the garland and puts it on his own head.]

SAUSAGE SELLER
O Zeus, god of the Greeks, this victory
belongs to you.

CHORUS LEADER
Hail, glorious conqueror!
Remember that you have become a man
thanks to me. I ask for something trifling—
to be your Phanos and sign your law suits.* 1650

DEMOS [to Sausage Seller]
Tell me your name.

SAUSAGE SELLER
Agoracritus—
because I was raised on disagreements
in the market.

DEMOS
Well then, I place myself
in the care of Agoracritus—to him
I hand over the Paphlagonian here. [1260]

SAUSAGE SELLER
Demos, I will look after you really well.
You will agree you could not imagine
any man more friendly to this city
full of those who love to yawn and gape.

[Demos and the Sausage Seller go into the house. Some members of the Chorus haul the Paphlagonian off to one side of the stage by his feet and return without him.]

CHORUS
What is more beautiful than to sing 1660
at the start or finish of our choral song
of those who drive swift horses—with no jokes
aimed at Lysistratus and in our hearts
no deliberate wish to injure Thumantis,
who has no home and craves food all the time—
O dear Apollo, with many tears he clings [1270]
to thy quiver there in Delphi, begging
not to live in such wretched poverty.*

CHORUS LEADER
There is nothing hateful in aiming one’s abuse
at wicked rogues—no, if one reasons well, 1670
it’s paying a tribute to worthwhile citizens.
So if the man about whom we must now proclaim
many bad things were himself well known to all,
I would not mention someone who is my friend.
Now, there is no one who can tell the colour white
from Orthian melodies who does not know
Agrignotus. Well, that man has a brother,
Ariphrades, who in his habits is not like him [1280]
and who wants to be like that.* He’s not only bad—
if that were all, I wouldn’t pay him any mind— 1680
not only completely nasty, but has invented
something even worse. He corrupts his own tongue
with revolting pleasures, licking disgusting juices
inside the cunts of prostitutes, staining his beard,
stirring up coals in those hot fires, carrying on
like Polymnestus, and hanging out with Oeonichus.
Any person who does not despise a man like that
will never drink from the same cup as I do.*

CHORUS
At night certain thoughts often come to me, [1290]
and I wonder where Cleonymus gets food 1690
for that voracious appetite he has. They say
that when he grazed on rich men’s tables
he’d never leave the tub of food alone.
And they’d keep begging him in unison,
“O lord, by your knees, leave, and spare our table.”*

CHORUS LEADER
They say our warships once all met together [1300]
to chat to one another, and one of them,
an older lady, said, “Girls, don’t you realize
what’s going on in the city? People are claiming
some man is requisitioning one hundred of us 1700
to sail off to Carthage—some worthless citizen
called sour Hyperbolus.”* All of them thought this
totally outrageous and would not endure it.
One of those ships, a virgin who’d not yet come near
a crew of men, declared, “May god protect us,
that man will never become my master! Instead,
I’ll grow old here, if I must, with festering wood
chewed up by worms.” “By the gods, he’ll not command
Nauphanta, daughter of Nauson, not if I, too,
am constructed out of pine and timbers. And so, 1710 [1310]
if Athenians take up Hyperbolus’ scheme,
then I think we should hoist sail and seek refuge
at the Theseum or the Furies’ sanctuary.
He won’t take charge of us and mock the city.
If that’s what he wants, let him go all by himself,
sail off down to Hades once he’s launched those tubs
he used when trying to sell those lamps of his.”*

[Enter the Sausage Seller from the house. He is wearing a rich, new outfit.]

SAUSAGE SELLER
We must maintain a holy silence,
keeping our mouths firmly closed, refraining
from giving evidence, and closing those courts 1720
from which the city gets so much delight.
To salute our new good fortune, people here
should sing a sacred song of gratitude.

CHORUS LEADER
O you flaming light for sacred Athens,
protector of the islands, what good news
do you carry as you move here, for which [1320]
we will make our streets fill up with the smell
of smoking sacrifices?

SAUSAGE SELLER
I have boiled Demos,
made him young again for you and transformed
something ugly into something beautiful.* 1730

CHORUS LEADER
And so, you fountain of marvellous schemes,
where is he now?

SAUSAGE SELLER
He lives in ancient Athens,
that city crowned with violets.

CHORUS LEADER
How can we see him?
What style of clothing is he wearing?
What sort of man has he become?

SAUSAGE SELLER
He has become what he was earlier,
when he lived alongside Aristides
and Miltiades. But you yourselves can see—
for I already hear doors opening
in the Propylaea.* Shout out with joy, 1740
as ancient Athens now comes into view,
that wonderful place, so often praised in hymns,
the place where celebrated Demos dwells.