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Aristophanes
Birds
414 BC

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Translator’s Note

This translation by Ian Johnston of Malaspina University-College, Nanaimo, BC, has certain copyright restrictions.  For information please use the following link: Copyright.  For comments or question please contact Ian Johnston.

This text is available in the form of a Publisher file for those who would like to print it off as a small book.  There is no charge for these files.  For details, please use the following link: Publisher files. A printed paperback book of this text is available from Richer Resources Publications.

Note that in the following translation the normal numbers refer to this text, while the numbers in square brackets refer to the Greek text.  Links to explanatory endnotes are indicated by an asterisk (*).

The translator would like to acknowledge the very valuable help he received from the notes in Alan H. Sommerstein’s edition of The Birds (Warminster: Aris and Phillips, 1987).

For comments, questions, suggestions for improvement, and so on, please contact Ian Johnston at Malaspina University-College, 900 Fifth Street, Nanaimo, BC, Canada, V9R 5S5 or at johnstoi@mala.bc.ca.

Historical Note

The Birds was first produced at the drama festival in 414 BC, where it won second prize. At this period, during the Peloponnesian War, Athens was very powerful and confident, having just launched the expedition to Sicily, fully expecting to triumph in that venture and in the larger war.

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Birds

Dramatis Personae

PISTHETAIROS: a middle-aged Athenian
EUELPIDES: a middle-aged Athenian
SERVANT-BIRD: a slave serving Tereus, once a man
TEREUS: a hoopoe bird, once a man
FLAMINGO
PEACOCK
A SECOND HOOPOE
GLUTTON-BIRD: a fictitious species
CHORUS LEADER
CHORUS: of birds
XANTHIAS: slave serving Pisthetairos
MANODOROS: slave serving Euelpides, also called MANES.
PROCNE: a nightingale with a woman’s body, consort of Tereus.
PRIEST
POET
ORACLE MONGER: a collector and interpreter of oracles
METON: a land surveyor
COMMISSIONER OF COLONIES: an Athenian official
STATUTE SELLER: man who sells laws
FIRST MESSENGER: a construction-worker bird
SECOND MESSENGER: a soldier bird
IRIS: messenger goddess, daughter of Zeus
FIRST HERALD: a bird
YOUNG MAN: young Athenian who wants to beat up his father
CINESIAS: a very bad dithyrambic poet and singer
SYCOPHANT: a common informer
PROMETHEUS: the Titan
POSEIDON: god of the sea, brother of Zeus
HERCULES: the legendary hero, now divine
TRIBALLIAN GOD: an uncouth barbarian god
PRINCESS: a divine young lady
SECOND HERALD

Scene: A rugged, treed wilderness area up in the rocky hills. Enter Pisthetairos and Euelpides, both very tired. They are clambering down from the rocky heights towards the level stage. Pisthetairos has a crow perched on his arm or shoulder, and Euelpides has a jackdaw. Both Pisthetairos and Euelpides are carrying packs on their back. They are followed by two slaves carrying more bags. The slaves stay well out of the way until they get involved in the action later on.

EUELPIDES [speaking to the bird he is carrying]
Are you telling us to keep going straight ahead?
Over there by that tree?

PISTHETAIROS
Blast this bird—
it’s croaking for us to head back, go home.

EUELPIDES
Why are we wandering up and down like this?
You’re such a fool—this endless weaving round
will kill us both.

PISTHETAIROS
I must be an idiot
to keep hiking on along these pathways,
a hundred miles at least, and just because
that’s what this crow keeps telling me to do.

EUELPIDES
What about me? My poor toe nails are thrashed.    10
I’ve worn them out because I’m following
what this jackdaw says.

PISTHETAIROS [looking around]
I have no idea
where on earth we are.

EUELPIDES
You mean from here
you couldn’t make it back to your place?                        [10]

PISTHETAIROS:
No way—not even Execestides
could manage that.*

EUELPIDES
We’re in a real mess.

PISTHETAIROS
Well, you could try going along that pathway.

[The two men start exploring different paths down to opposite sides of the stage]

EUELPIDES
We two were conned by that Philokrates,
the crazy vendor in the marketplace
who sells his birds on trays. He claimed these two              20
would take us straight to Tereus the hoopoe,
a man who years ago became a bird.
That’s why we paid an obol for this one,
this jackdaw, son of Tharreleides.*
and three more for the crow. And then what?
The two know nothing, except how to bite.

[The jackdaw with Euelpides begins to get excited about something. Euelpides talks to the bird]

What’s got your attention now? In those rocks?                  [20]
You want to take us there? There’s no way through.

PISTHETAIROS [calling across the stage to Euelpides]
By god, the same thing over here, no road.

EUELPIDES
What’s your crow saying about the pathway?         30

PISTHETAIROS
By god, it’s not cawing what it did before.

EUELPIDES [shouting]
But what’s it saying about the road?

PISTHETAIROS
Nothing—
it’s saying nothing, just keeps on croaking—
something about biting my fingers off.

EUELPIDES [addressing the audience]
Don’t you think it’s really odd the two of us,
ready and eager to head off for the birds,*
just can’t find the way. You see, we’re not well.
All you men sitting there to hear our words,                     [30]
we’re ill with a disease, not like the one
which Sacas suffers,* no—the opposite.                40
He’s no true citizen, yet nonetheless
he’s pushing his way in by force, but we,
both honoured members of our tribe and clan,*
both citizens among you citizens,
with no one trying to drive us from the city,
have winged our way out of our native land
on our two feet. We don’t hate the city
because we think it’s not by nature great
and truly prosperous—open to all,
so they can spend their money paying fines.               50
Cicadas chirp up in the trees a while,
a month or two, but our Athenians         [40]
keep chirping over lawsuits all their lives.
That’s why right now we’ve set off on this trip,
with all this stuff—basket, pot, and myrtle boughs.*
We’re looking for a nice relaxing spot,
where we can settle down, live out our lives.
We’re heading for Tereus, that hoopoe bird—
we’d like to know if in his flying around
he’s seen a city like the one we want.                 60

PISTHETAIROS
Hey!

EUELPIDES
                   What?

PISTHETAIROS
                               My crow keeps cawing upwards—
         up there.

EUELPIDES
My jackdaw’s looking up there, too,                                   [50]
as if it wants to show me something.
There must be birds around these rocks. I know—
let’s make noise and then we’ll see for sure.

PISTHETAIROS
You know what you should do? Kick that outcrop.

EUELPIDES
Why not use your head? There’d be twice the noise.

[Pisthetairos and Euelpides start climbing back up the rocky outcrops towards a door in the middle of the rocks]

PISTHETAIROS
Pick up a stone and then knock on the door.

EUELPIDES
All right. Here I go.

[Euelpides knocks very loudly on the door and calls out]

                                Hey, boy . . . boy!

PISTHETAIROS
What are you saying? Why call the hoopoe “boy”?             70
Don’t say that—you should call out
[giving a bird call]
“hoopoe-ho.”

EUELPIDES [knocking on the door and calling again]
        Hoopoe-ho! . . . Should I knock again? . . . Hoopoe-ho!

SERVANT-BIRD [inside]
Who is it? Who’s shouting for my master?                     [60]

[The door opens and an actor-bird emerges. He has a huge beak which terrifies Euelpides and Pisthetairos They fall back in fear, and the birds they have been carrying disappear]

EUELPIDES
My lord Apollo, save us! That gaping beak—

SERVANT-BIRD [also frightened]
         Oh, oh, now we’re in for it. You two men,
         you’re bird-catchers!

EUELPIDES
                           Don’t act so weird!
         Can’t you say something nice?

SERVANT-BIRD [trying to scare them off]
                                           You two men will die!

EUELPIDES
But we’re not men.

SERVANT-BIRD
What? What are you, then?

EUELPIDES
Well . . . I’m a chicken-shitter . . . a Libyan bird . . .

SERVANT-BIRD
That’s rubbish.

EUELPIDES
No, it’s not—I’ve just dropped my load— 80
         down both my legs. Take a look.

SERVANT-BIRD
And this one here?
         What kind of bird is he?

[to Pisthetairos]
Can you speak?

PISTHETAIROS
Me? . . . a crapper-fowl . . . from Phasis.

EUELPIDES
God knows what kind of animal you are!

SERVANT-BIRD
I’m a servant bird.

EUELPIDES
                                     Beaten by some rooster                   [70]
       in a cock fight?

SERVANT-BIRD
                   No. It was my master—
         when he became a hoopoe, well, I prayed
         that I could turn into a bird. That way
         he’d still have me to serve and wait on him.

EUELPIDES
Does a bird need his own butler bird?                      90

SERVANT-BIRD
He does—I think it’s got something to do
       with the fact that earlier he was a man.
       So if he wants to taste some fish from Phalerum,
       I grab a plate and run off for sardines.
If he wants soup, we need pot and ladle,
       so I dash off for the spoon.

EUELPIDES
                                     A runner bird—
         that’s what you are. Well, my little runner,
         do you know what we’d like to have you do?                      [80]
         Go call your master for us.

SERVANT-BIRD
                            But he’s asleep—
         for heaven’s sake, his after-dinner snooze—      100
         he’s just had gnats and myrtle berries.

EUELPIDES
Wake him up anyway.

SERVANT-BIRD
                                     I know for sure
         he’ll be annoyed, but I’ll do it, just for you.

[Exit Servant-Bird back through the doors]

PISTHETAIROS
Damn that bird—he scared me half to death.

EUELPIDES
Bloody hell—he frightened off my bird!

PISTHETAIROS
You’re such a coward—the worst there is.
Were you so scared you let that jackdaw go?

EUELPIDES
What about you? Didn’t you collapse
and let your crow escape?

PISTHETAIROS
Not me, by god.

EUELPIDES
Where is it then?

PISTHETAIROS
It flew off on its own.                                   110 [90]

EUELPIDES
You didn’t let go? What a valiant man!

TEREUS: [from inside, speaking in a grand style]
Throw open this wood, so I may issue forth.

[The doors open. Enter Tereus, a hoopoe bird, with feathers on his head and wings but none on his body. He struts and speaks with a ridiculously affected confidence. Euelpides and Pisthetairos are greatly amused at his appearance]

EUELPIDES
O Hercules, what kind of beast is this?
What’s that plumage? What sort of triple crest?

TEREUS
Who are the persons here who seek me out?

EUELPIDES
The twelve gods, it seems, have worked you over.*

TEREUS
Does seeing my feathers make you scoff at me?
Strangers, I was once upon a time a man.

EUELPIDES
It’s not you we’re laughing at.

TEREUS
Then what is it?

EUELPIDES
It’s your beak—to us it looks quite funny.                   120

TEREUS
It’s how Sophocles distorts Tereus—                          [100]
that’s me—in his tragedies.

EUELPIDES
You’re Tereus?
Are you a peacock or a bird?*

TEREUS
I am a bird.

EUELPIDES
Then where are all your feathers?

TEREUS
They’ve fallen off.

EUELPIDES
Have you got some disease?

TEREUS
No, it’s not that.
In winter time all birds shed their feathers,
then new ones grow again. But tell me this—
who are the two of you?

EUELPIDES
Us? We’re human beings.

TEREUS
From what race were you born?

EUELPIDES
Our origin?
In Athens—which makes the finest warships.          130

TEREUS
Ah, so you’re jury-men, are you?

EUELPIDES
No, no.
We’re different—we keep away from juries.

TEREUS
Does that seedling flourish in those parts?                  [110]

EUELPIDES
If you go searching in the countryside,
you’ll find a few.

TEREUS
So why have you come here?
What do you need?

EUELPIDES
To talk to you.

TEREUS
What for?

EUELPIDES
Well, you were once a man, as we are now.
You owed people money, as we do now.
You loved to skip the debt, as we do now.
Then you changed your nature, became a bird.      140
You fly in circles over land and sea.
You’ve learned whatever’s known to birds and men.
That’s why we’ve come as suppliants to you, [120]
to ask if you can tell us of some town,
where life is sheepskin soft, where we can sleep.

TEREUS
Are you looking for a mighty city,
more powerful than what Cranaus built?*

EUELPIDES
Not one more powerful, no. What we want
is one which better suits the two of us.

TEREUS
You clearly want an aristocracy. 150

EUELPIDES
Me? No, not at all. The son of Scellias
is someone I detest.*

TEREUS
All right, then,
What kind of city would you like to live in?

EUELPIDES
I’d like a city where my biggest problem
would be something like this—in the morning
a friend comes to my door and says to me,
“In the name of Olympian Zeus, take a bath,        [130]
an early one, you and your children,
then come to my place for the wedding feast
I’m putting on. Don’t disappoint me now.                    160
If you do, then don’t come looking for me
when my affairs get difficult for me.”*

TEREUS
By heaven, you poor man, you do love trouble.
What about you?

PISTHETAIROS
I’d like the same.

TEREUS
Like what?

PISTHETAIROS
To have the father of some handsome lad
come up to me, as if I’d done him wrong,
and tell me off with some complaint like this—
“A fine thing there between you and my son,                    [140]
you old spark. You met him coming back
from the gymnasium, after his bath— 170
you didn’t kiss or greet him with a hug,
or even try tickling his testicles—
yet you’re a friend of mine, his father.”

TEREUS
How you yearn for problems, you unhappy man.
There is a happy city by the sea,
the Red Sea, just like the one you mention.*

EUELPIDES
No, no. Not by the sea! That’s not for us,
not where that ship Salamia can show up
with some man on board to serve a summons
early in the morning. What about Greece?                180
Can you tell us of some city there?*

TEREUS
Why not go and settle down in Elis—
in Lepreus?

EUELPIDES
In Leprous? By the gods,
I hate the place—although I’ve never seen it—                   [150]
it’s all Melanthius’ fault.*

TEREUS
You could go
to the Opuntians—they’re in Locris—
you might settle there.

EUELPIDES
Be Opuntius—
no way, not for a talent’s weight in gold.*
But what’s it like here, living with the birds?
You must know it well.

TEREUS
It’s not unpleasant.                 190
First of all, you have to live without a purse.

EUELPIDES
So you’re rid of one great source of fraud in life.

TEREUS
In the gardens we enjoy white sesame,                         [160]
the myrtles, mint, and poppies.

EUELPIDES
So you live
just like newly-weds.

PISTHETAIROS
That’s it! I’ve got it!
I see a great plan for this race of birds—
and power, too, if you’ll trust what I say.

TEREUS
What do you want to get us all to do?

PISTHETAIROS
What should you be convinced to do? Well, first,
don’t just fly about in all directions, 200
your beaks wide open—that makes you despised.
With us, you see, if you spoke of men
who always flit about and if you asked,
“Who’s that Teleas” someone would respond,
“The man’s a bird—he’s unreliable,
flighty, vague, never stays in one place long.”* [170]

TEREUS
By Dionysus, that’s a valid point—
the criticism’s fair. What should we do?

PISTHETAIROS
Settle down together in one city.

TEREUS
What sort of city could we birds set up?              210

PISTHETAIROS
Why ask that? What a stupid thing to say!
Look down.

TEREUS
All right.

PISTHETAIROS
Now look up.

TEREUS
I’m looking up.

PISTHETAIROS
Turn your head round to the side.

TEREUS
By Zeus,
this’ll do me good, if I twist off my neck.

PISTHETAIROS
What do you see?

TEREUS
Clouds and sky.

PISTHETAIROS
Well, then,
isn’t this a staging area for birds?

TEREUS
A staging area? How come it’s that?

PISTHETAIROS
You might say it’s a location for them—     [180]
there’s lots of business here, but everything
keeps moving through this zone, so it’s now called           220
a staging place. But if you settled here,
fortified it, and fenced it off with walls,
this staging area could become your state.
Then you’d rule all men as if they’re locusts
and annihilate the gods with famine,
just like in Melos.*

TEREUS
How’d we manage that?

PISTHETAIROS
Look, between earth and heaven there’s the air.
Now, with us, when we want to go to Delphi,
we have to ask permission to pass through
from the Boeotians. You should do the same.            230
When men sacrifice, make gods pay you cash.          [190]
If not, you don’t grant them rights of passage.
You’ll stop the smell of roasting thigh bones
moving through an empty space and city
which don’t belong to them.

TEREUS
Wow!!! Yippee!!
By earth, snares, traps, nets, what a marvellous scheme!
I’ve never heard a neater plan! So now,
with your help, I’m going to found a city,
if other birds agree.

PISTHETAIROS
The other birds?
Who’s going to lay this business out to them?               240

TEREUS
You can do it. I’ve taught them how to speak.            [200]
Before I came, they could only twitter,
but I’ve been with them here a long, long time.

PISTHETAIROS
How do you call to bring them all together?

TEREUS
Easy. I’ll step inside my thicket here,
and wake my nightingale. Then we’ll both call.
Once they hear our voices they’ll come running.

PISTHETAIROS
O, you darling bird, now don’t just stand there—
not when I’m begging you to go right now,
get in your thicket, wake your nightingale.                   250

[Tereus goes back through the doors]*

TEREUS [singing]
Come my queen, don’t sleep so long,
pour forth the sound of sacred song—             [210]
lament once more through lips divine
for Itys, your dead child and mine,
the one we’ve cried for all this time.*

Sing out your music’s liquid trill
in that vibrato voice—the thrill
which echoes in those purest tones
through leafy haunts of yew trees roams
and rises up to Zeus’ throne.                            260

Apollo with the golden hair
sits listening to your music there—
and in response he plucks his string—
his lyre of ivory then brings
the gods themselves to dance and sing.

Then from gods’ mouths in harmony          [220]
come sounds of sacred melody.

[A flute starts playing within, in imitation of the nightingale’s song. The melody continues for a few moments]

EUELPIDES
By lord Zeus, that little birdie’s got a voice!
She pours her honey all through that thicket!

PISTHETAIROS
Hey!

EUELPIDES
What?

PISTHETAIROS
Shut up.

EUELPIDES
Why?

PISTHETAIROS
That hoopoe bird—       270
he’s all set to sing another song.

TEREUS [issuing a bird call to all the birds. His song or chant is accompanied by the flute indicating the nightingale’s song]

Epo-popo-popo-popo-popoi,
Io, io, ito, ito, ito, ito.

Come here to me,
all you with feathers just like mine,                   [230]
all you who live in country fields
fresh-ploughed, still full of seed,
and all you thousand tribes
who munch on barley corn
who gather up the grain,                     280
and fly at such a speed
and utter your sweet cries,
all you who in the furrows there
twitter on the turned-up earth,
and sweetly sing
tio tio tio tio tio tio tio tio—

All those of you
who like to scavenge food
from garden ivy shoots,                                        [240]
all you in the hills up there                                         290
who eat from olive and arbutus trees.
come here as quickly as you can,
fly here in answer to this call—
trio-to trio-to toto-brix!

And every one of you
in low-lying marshy ground
who snap sharp-biting gnats,
by regions of well-watered land,
and lovely fields of Marathon,
all you variously coloured birds,                                    300
godwits and francolins—
I’m calling you.

You flocks who fly across the seas                        [250]
across the waves with halcyons
come here to learn the news.
We’re all assembling here,
all tribes of long-neck birds.
A shrewd old man’s arrived—
he’s here with a new plan,
a man of enterprise,                                       310
all set to improvise.
So gather all of you
to hear his words.

[The final words gradually change from coherent speech into a bird call]

Come here, come here,
come here, come here.
Toro-toro toro-toro-tix
Kik-kabau, kik-kabau.                                             [260]
Toro-toro toro-toro li-li-lix

[Euelpides and Pisthetairos start looking up into the sky for birds]

PISTHETAIROS
Seen any birds lately?

EUELPIDES
No, by Apollo, I haven’t—
even though I’m staring up into the sky,                     320
not even blinking.

PISTHETAIROS
It seems to me
that hoopoe bird was just wasting time
hiding, like a curlew, in that thicket,
and screaming out his bird calls—
[imitating Tereus] po-poi po-poi

[There is an instant response to Pisthetairos’ call from off stage, a loud bird call which really scares Pisthetairos and Euelpides]

BIRD [offstage]
Toro-tix, toro-tix.

PISTHETAIROS
Hey, my good man, here comes a bird.

[Enter a flamingo, very tall and flaming red-something Pisthetairos and Euelpides have never seen]

EUELPIDES
By Zeus,
that’s a bird? What kind would you call that?
It couldn’t be a peacock, could it?

[Tereus re-enters from the thicket]

PISTHETAIROS
Tereus here will tell us. Hey, my friend,                            330
what’s that bird there?

TEREUS
Not your everyday fowl—
the kind you always see. She’s a marsh bird.         [270]

EUELPIDES
My goodness, she’s gorgeous—flaming red!

TEREUS
Naturally, that’s why she’s called Flamingo.

[A second bird enters, a Peacock]

EUELPIDES [to Pisthetairos]
Hey . . .

PISTHETAIROS
What is it?

EUELPIDES
Another bird’s arrived.

PISTHETAIROS
You’re right. By god, this one looks really odd.
[To Tereus] Who’s this bizarre bird-prophet of the Muse,
this strutter from the hills?

TEREUS
He’s called the Mede.

PISTHETAIROS
He’s a Mede? By lord Hercules, how come
a Mede flew here without his camel?                          340

EUELPIDES
Here’s another one . . .

[The next bird enters, another Hoopoe]

. . . what a crest of feathers!
PISTHETAIROS [To Tereus]
What’s this marvel? You’re not the only hoopoe?           [280]
This here’s another one?

TEREUS
He’s my grandson—
son of Philocles the Hoopoe—it’s like
those names you pass along, when you call
Hipponicus the son of Callias,
and Callias son of Hipponicus.*

PISTHETAIROS
So this bird is Callias. His feathers—
he seems to have lost quite a few.

TEREUS
Yes, that’s true—
being a well-off bird he’s plucked by parasites,              350
and female creatures flock around him, too,
to yank his plumage out.

[Enter the Glutton-bird, an invented species, very fat and brightly coloured]

PISTHETAIROS
By Poseidon,
here’s another bright young bird. What’s it called?

TEREUS
This one’s the Glutton-bird.

PISTHETAIROS
Another glutton?
Cleonymus is not the only one?*

EUELPIDES
If this bird were like our Cleonymus,                                 [290]
wouldn’t he have thrown away his crest?

PISTHETAIROS
Why do all the birds display such head crests?
Are they going to run a race in armour?

TEREUS
No, my dear fellow, they live up on the crests,         360
because it’s safer, like the Carians.*

PISTHETAIROS [looking offstage]
Holy Poseidon, do you see those birds!
         What a fowl bunch of them—all flocking here!

EUELPIDES [looking in the same direction]
Lord Apollo, there’s a huge bird cloud! Wow!
So many feathered wings in there I can’t see
a way through all those feathers to the wings.

[Enter the Chorus of Birds in a dense mass. Pisthetairos and Euelpides clamber up the rock to get a better look at them]

PISTHETAIROS
Hey, look at that—
it’s a partridge, and that one over there,
by Zeus, a francolin—there’s a widgeon—
and that’s a halcyon!

EUELPIDES
What’s the one behind her?

PISTHETAIROS
What is it? It’s a spotted shaver.

EUELPIDES
Shaver?                370
You mean there’s a bird that cuts our hair?

PISTHETAIROS
Why not?
After all, there’s that barber in the city—
the one we all call Sparrow Sporgilos.* [300]
Here comes an owl.

EUELPIDES
Well, what about that?
Who brings owls to Athens?*

PISTHETAIROS [identifying birds in the crowd]
. . . a turtle dove,
a jay, lark, sedge bird . . .

EUELPIDES
. . . finch, pigeon . . .

PISTHETAIROS
. . . falcon,
hawk, ring dove . . .

EUELPIDES
. . . cuckoo, red shank . . .

PISTHETAIROS
. . . fire-crest . . .

EUELPIDES
. . . porphyrion, kestrel, dabchick, bunting,
vulture, and that one’s there’s a . . . [he’s stumped]

PISTHETAIROS
. . . woodpecker!!

EUELPIDES
What a crowd of birds! A major flock of fowls!           380
All that twitter as they prance around,
those rival cries! . . . Oh, oh, what’s going on?
Are they a threat? They’re looking straight at us—
their beaks are open!

PISTHETAIROS
It looks that way to me.

CHORUS LEADER [starting with a bird call]
To-toto-to to-toto-to to-to.                                [310]
Who’s been calling me?
Where’s he keep his nest?

TEREUS
I’m the one. I’ve been waiting here a while.
I’ve not left my bird friends in the lurch.

CHORUS LEADER
Ti-tit-ti ti-tit-ti ti-ti-ti-ti                                                  390
tell me as a friend what you have to say.

TEREUS
I have news for all of us—something safe,
judicious, sweet, and profitable.
Two men have just come here to visit me,
two subtle thinkers . . .

CHORUS LEADER [interrupting]
What? What are you saying?

TEREUS
I’m telling you two old men have arrived—                      [320]
they’ve come from lands where human beings live
and bring the stalk of a stupendous plan.

CHORUS LEADER
You fool! This is the most disastrous thing
since I was hatched. What are you telling us?             400

TEREUS
Don’t be afraid of what I have to say.

CHORUS LEADER
What have you done to us?

TEREUS
I’ve welcomed here
two men in love with our society.

CHORUS LEADER
You dared to do that?

TEREUS
Yes, indeed, I did.
And I’m very pleased I did so.

CHORUS LEADER
These two men of yours,
are they among us now?

TEREUS
Yes, as surely as I am.

CHORUS [breaking into a song of indignation]
Aiiii, aiiiii
He’s cheated us,
he’s done us wrong.
That friend of ours, 410
who all along
has fed with us
in fields we share,                                                    [330]
now breaks old laws
and doesn’t care.

We swore a pact
of all the birds.
He’s now trapped us
with deceitful words—
so power goes                                                    420
to all our foes,
that wicked race
which since its birth
was raised for war
with us on earth.

CHORUS LEADER
We’ll have some words with that one later.
These two old men should get their punishment—
I think we should give it now. Let’s do it—
rip ’em to pieces, bit by bit.

PISTHETAIROS
We’re done for.

EUELPIDES
It’s all your fault—getting us into this mess.             430
Why’d you bring me here?

PISTHETAIROS
I wanted you to come.                   [340]

EUELPIDES
What? So I could weep myself to death?

PISTHETAIROS
Now, you’re really talking nonsense—
how do you intend to weep, once these birds
poke out your eyes?

CHORUS [advancing towards Pisthetairos and Euelpides
On, on . . .
let’s move in to attack,
and launch a bloody rush,
come in from front and back,
and break ’em in the crush—
with wings on every side                                             440
they’ll have no place to hide.

These two will start to howl,
when my beak starts to eat
and makes ’em food for fowl.
There’s no well-shaded peak,
no cloud or salt-grey sea                           [350]
where they can flee from me.

CHORUS LEADER
Now let’s bite and tear these two apart!
Where’s the brigadier? Bring up the right wing!

[The birds start to close in on Pisthetairos and Euelpides, cowering up on the rocks]

EUELPIDES
This is it! I’m done for. Where can I run?                   450

PISTHETAIROS
Why aren’t you staying put?

EUELPIDES
Here with you?
I don’t want ’em to rip me into pieces.

PISTHETAIROS
How do you intend to get away from them?

EUELPIDES
I haven’t a clue.

PISTHETAIROS
Then I’ll tell you how—
we have to stay right here and fight it out.
So put that cauldron down.

[Pisthetairos takes the cauldron from Euelpides and sets it down on the ground in front of them]

EUELPIDES
What good’s a cauldron?

PISTHETAIROS
It’ll keep the owls away from us.

EUELPIDES
What about the birds with claws?

PISTHETAIROS [rummaging in the pack]
Grab this spit—
stick it in the ground in front of you.

EUELPIDES
How do we protect our eyes?                                      [360]

PISTHETAIROS [producing a couple of tin bowls]
An upturned bowl.                            460
Set this on your head.

EUELPIDES: [putting the tin bowl upside down on his head and holding up the pot, with the spit stuck in the ground]
That’s brilliant!
What a grand stroke of warlike strategy!
In military matters you’re the best—
already smarter than that Nikias*

[Pisthetairos and Euelpides, with tin bowls on their heads, await the birds’ charge-with Pisthetairos hiding behind Euelpides who is holding up the big pot. Their two slaves cower behind them]

CHORUS LEADER
El-el-el-eu . . . Charge!
Keep those beaks level—no holding back now!
Pull ‘em, scratch ’em, hit ’em, rip their skins off!
Go smash that big pot first of all.

[As the Chorus is about to start its charge, Tereus rushes in between the two men and the Chorus and tries to stop the Chorus Leader]

TEREUS
Hold on, you wickedest of animals!
Tell me this: Why do you want to kill these men,         470
to tear them both to bits? They’ve done no wrong.
Besides, they’re my wife’s relatives, her clansmen.

CHORUS LEADER
Why should we be more merciful to them
than we are to wolves? What other animals
are greater enemies of ours than them?
Have we got better targets for revenge?                          [370]

TEREUS
Yes, by nature enemies—but what if
they’ve got good intentions? What if they’ve come
to teach you something really valuable?

CHORUS LEADER
How could they ever teach us anything,                         480
or tell us something useful—they’re enemies,
our feathered forefathers’ fierce foes.

TEREUS
But folks with fine minds find from foemen
they can learn a lot. Caution saves us all.
We don’t learn that from friends. But enemies
can force that truth upon us right away.
That’s why cities learn, not from their allies,
but from enemies, how to build high walls,
assemble fleets of warships—in that way,
their knowledge saves their children, homes, and goods. 490 [380]

CHORUS LEADER
Well, here’s what seems best to me—first of all,
let’s hear what they have come to say. It’s true—
our enemies can teach us something wise.

PISTHETAIROS [to Euelpides}
I think their anger’s easing off. Let’s retreat.

[Pisthetairos and Euelpides inch their way toward the doors, still bunched together, with Euelpides holding up the pot]

TEREUS [to the Chorus Leader]
It’s only fair—and you do owe me a favour,
out of gratitude.

CHORUS LEADER
In other things,
before today, we’ve never stood against you.

PISTHETAIROS
They’re acting now more peacefully to us—
so put that pot and bowl down on the ground.
But we’d better hang onto the spit, our spear.        500
We’ll use it on patrol inside our camp [390]
right by this cauldron here. Keep your eyes peeled—
don’t even think of flight.

[Euelpides puts down the cauldron, removes his tin-plate helmet, and marches with the spear back and forth by the cauldron, on guard]

EUELPIDES
What happens if we’re killed? Where on earth
will we be buried?

PISTHETAIROS
In Kerameikos—
where the potters live—they’ll bury both of us.
We’ll get it done and have the public pay—
I’ll tell the generals we died in battle,
fighting with the troops at Orneai.*

CHORUS LEADER
Fall back into the ranks you held before.                       510 [400]
Bend over, and like well-armed soldier boys,
put your spirit and your anger down.
We’ll look into who these two men may be,
where they come from, what their intentions are.

[The Chorus of Birds breaks up and retreats]

Hey, Hoopoe bird, I’m calling you!

TEREUS
You called?
What would you like to hear?

CHORUS LEADER
These two men—
where do they come from and who are they?

TEREUS
These strangers are from Greece, font of wisdom.

CHORUS LEADER
What accident or words                                                        [410]
now brings them to the birds?                                  520

TEREUS
The two men love your life,
adore the way you live—
they want to share with you
in all there is to give.

CHORUS LEADER
What’s that you just said?
What plan is in their head?

TEREUS
Things you’d never think about—
you’ll be amazed—just hear him out.

CHORUS LEADER
He thinks it’s good that he
should stay and live with me? 530
Is he trusting in some plan
to help his fellow man
or thump his enemy?                                      [420]

TEREUS
He talks of happiness
too great for thought or words
He claims this emptiness—
all space—is for the birds—
         here, there, and everywhere.
         You’ll be convinced, I swear.

CHORUS LEADER
Is he crazy in the head?                                                  540

TEREUS
He is shrewder than I said.

CHORUS LEADER
A brilliant thinking box?

TEREUS
The subtlest, sharpest fox—
         he’s been around a lot
         knows every scheme and plot.                                          [430]

CHORUS LEADER
Ask him to speak to us, to tell us all.
         As I listen now to what you’re telling me,
         it makes me feel like flying—taking off!

TEREUS [to the two slaves]
         Take their suits of armour in the house—
         hang the stuff up in the kitchen there, 550
         beside the cooking stool—may it bring good luck!

[turning to Pisthetairos]

         Now you. Lay out your plans—explain to them
         the reason why I called them all together.

[Pisthetairos is struggling with the servants, refusing to give up his armour]

PISTHETAIROS
No. By Apollo, I won’t do it—
         not unless they swear a pact with me
         just like one that monkey Panaitios,                                  [440]
         who makes our knives, had his wife swear to him—
         not to bite or pull my balls or poke me.

CHORUS LEADER
You mean up your . . .

PISTHETAIROS
                            No, not there. I mean the eyes.

CHORUS LEADER
Oh, I’ll agree to that.

PISTHETAIROS
                                     Then swear an oath on it.                560

CHORUS LEADER
I swear on this condition—that I get
         all the judges’ and spectators’ votes and win.*

PISTHETAIROS
Oh, you’ll win!

CHORUS LEADER
              And if I break the oath
         then let me win by just a single vote.
         Listen all of you! The armed infantry
         can now pick up their weapons and go home.
         Keep an eye out for any bulletins
         we put up on our notice boards.                        [450]

CHORUS [singing]
Man’s by nature’s born to lie.
         But state your case. Give it a try.                                    570
         There’s a chance you have observed
         some useful things inside this bird,
         some greater power I possess,
         which my dull brain has never guessed.
         So tell all here just what you see.
         If there’s a benefit to me,
         we’ll share in it communally.

CHORUS LEADER
Tell us the business that’s brings you here.                            [460]
         Persuade us of your views. So speak right up.
         No need to be afraid—we’ve made a pact— 580
         we won’t be the ones who break it first.

PISTHETAIROS [aside to Euelpides]
         By god, I’m full of words, bursting to speak.
         I’ve worked my speech like well-mixed flour—
         like kneading dough. There’s nothing stopping me.

[giving instructions to the two slaves]

         You, lad, fetch me a speaker’s wreath—and, you,
         bring water here, so I can wash my hands.

[The two slaves go into the house and return with a wreath and some water]

EUELPIDES [whispering to Pisthetairos]
         You mean it’s time for dinner? What’s going on?

PISTHETAIROS
For a long time now I’ve been keen, by god,
         to give them a stupendous speech—overstuffed—
         something to shake their tiny birdy souls.                  590

[Pisthetairos, with the wreath on his head, now turns to the birds and begins his formal oration]

         I’m so sorry for you all, who once were kings . . .

CHORUS LEADER
Kings? Us? What of?

PISTHETAIROS
                            You were kings indeed,
         you ruled over everything there is—
         over him and me, first of all, and then
         over Zeus himself. You see, your ancestry
         goes back before old Kronos and the Titans,
         way back before even Earth herself!*

CHORUS LEADER
Before the Earth?

PISTHETAIROS
                            Yes, by Apollo.

CHORUS LEADER
Well, that’s something I never knew before!                          [470]

PISTHETAIROS
That’s because you’re naturally uninformed— 600
         you lack resourcefulness. You’ve not read Aesop.
         His story tells us that the lark was born
         before the other birds, before the Earth.
         Her father then grew sick and died. For five days
         he lay there unburied—there was no Earth.
         Not knowing what to do, at last the lark,
         at her wits’ end, set him in her own head.

EUELPIDES
So now, the father of the lark lies dead
         in a headland plot.

PISTHETAIROS
                     So if they were born
         before the Earth, before the gods, well then,                 610
         as the eldest, don’t they get the right to rule?

EUELPIDES
By Apollo, yes they do.

[addressing the audience]

                                                      So you out there,
         look ahead and sprout yourselves a beak—
         in good time Zeus will hand his sceptre back                 [480]
         to the birds who peck his sacred oaks.

PISTHETAIROS
Way back then it wasn’t gods who ruled.
         They didn’t govern men. No. It was the birds.
         There’s lots of proof for this. I’ll mention here
         example number one—the fighting cock—
         first lord and king of all those Persians,                         620
         well before the time of human kings—
         those Dariuses and Megabazuses.
         Because he was their king, the cock’s still called
         the Persian Bird.

EUELPIDES
                            That’s why to this very day
         the cock’s the only bird to strut about
         like some great Persian king, and on his head
         he wears his crown erect.

PISTHETAIROS
                                     He was so great,
         so mighty and so strong, that even now,
         thanks to his power then, when he sings out
         his early morning song, all men leap up     630
         to head for work—blacksmiths, potters, tanners,              [490]
         men who deal in corn or supervise the baths,
         or make our shields or fabricate our lyres—
         they all lace on their shoes and set off in the dark.

EUELPIDES
I can vouch for that! I had some bad luck,
         thanks to that cock—I lost my cloak to thieves,
         a soft and warm one, too, of Phrygian wool.
         I’d been invited to a festive do,
         where some child was going to get his name,
         right here in the city. I’d had some drinks—                640
         and those drinks, well, they made me fall asleep.
         Before the other guests began to eat,
         that bird lets rip his cock-a-doodle-doo!
         I thought it was the early morning call.
         So I run off for Halimus*—but then,
         just outside the city walls, I get mugged,
         some coat thief hits me square across the back—
         he used a cudgel! When I fall down there,
         about to cry for help, he steals my cloak!

PISTHETAIROS
To resume—way back then the Kite was king.                   650
         He ruled the Greeks.

CHORUS LEADER
                   King of the Greeks!!

PISTHETAIROS
                                          That’s right.
         As king he was the first to show us how                       [500]
         to grovel on the ground before a kite.

EUELPIDES
By Dionysus, I once saw a kite
         and rolled along the ground, then, on my back,
         my mouth wide open, gulped an obol down.
         I had to trudge home with an empty sack.*

PISTHETAIROS
Take Egypt and Phoenicia—they were ruled
         by Cuckoo kings. And when they cried “Cuckoooo!!”
         all those Phoenicians harvested their crop—     660
         the wheat and barley in their fields.

EUELPIDES
                                                       That’s why
         if someone’s cock is ploughing your wife’s field,
         we call you “Cuckoo!”—you’re being fooled!*

PISTHETAIROS
The kingship of the birds was then so strong
         that in the cities of the Greeks a king—
         an Agamemnon, say, or Menelaus—
         had a bird perched on his regal sceptre.
         And it got its own share of all the gifts                 [510]
         the king received.

EUELPIDES
                            Now, that I didn’t know.
         I always get amazed in tragedies                                  670
         when some king Priam comes on with a bird.
         I guess it stands on guard there, keeping watch
         to see what presents Lysicrates gets.*

PISTHETAIROS
Here’s the weirdest proof of all—lord Zeus
         who now commands the sky, because he’s king,
         carries an eagle on his head. There’s more—
         his daughter has an owl, and Apollo,
         like a servant, has a hawk.

EUELPIDES
                                             That’s right,
         by Demeter! What’s the reason for those birds?

PISTHETAIROS
So when someone makes a sacrifice                                    680
         and then, in accordance with tradition,
         puts the guts into god’s hands, the birds
         can seize those entrails well before Zeus can.
         Back then no man would swear upon the gods—
         they swore their oaths on birds. And even now,                   [520]
         our Lampon seals his promises “By Goose,”
         when he intends to cheat.* In days gone by,
         all men considered you like that—as great
         and sacred beings. Now they all think of you
         as slaves and fools and useless layabouts.                    690
         They throw stones at you, as if you’re mad.
         And every hunter in the temples there
         sets up his traps—all those nooses, gins,
         limed sticks and snares, fine mesh and hunting nets,
         and cages, too. Then once they’ve got you trapped,
         they sell you by the bunch. Those who come to buy
         poke and prod your flesh. If you seem good to eat,             [530]
         they don’t simply roast you by yourself—no!
         They grate on cheese, mix oil and silphium
         with vinegar—and then whip up a sauce,                     700
         oily and sweet, which they pour on you hot,
         as if you were a chunk of carrion meat.

CHORUS
This human speaks
                           of our great pain
                  our fathers’ sins             [540]
                           we mourn again—
                  born into rule,
                           they threw away
                  what they received,
                           their fathers’ sway.                                   710

                  But now you’ve come—
                           fine stroke of fate—
                  to save our cause.
                           Here let me state
                  I’ll trust myself
                           and all my chicks
                  to help promote
                           your politics.

CHORUS LEADER
You need to stick around to tell us all
         what we should do. Our lives won’t be worth living        720
         unless by using every scheme there is
         we get back what’s ours—our sovereignty.

PISTHETAIROS
Then the first point I’d advise you of is this:                              [550]
         there should be one single city of the birds.
         Next, you should encircle the entire air,
         all this space between the earth and heaven,
         with a huge wall of baked brick—like Babylon.

EUELPIDES
O Kebriones and Porphyrion!
        What a mighty place! How well fortified!*

PISTHETAIROS
When you’ve completed that, demand from Zeus            730
         he give you back your rule. If he says no,
         he doesn’t want to and won’t sign on at once,
         you then declare a holy war on him.
         Tell those gods they can’t come through your space
         with cocks erect, the way they used to do,
         rushing down to screw another woman—
         like Alkmene, Semele, or Alope.*
         For if you ever catch them coming down
         you’ll stamp your seal right on their swollen pricks—          [560]
         they won’t be fucking women any more.                         740
         And I’d advise you send another bird
         as herald down to human beings to say
         that since the birds from now on will be kings,
         they have to offer sacrifice to them.
         The offerings to the gods take second place.
         Then each of the gods must be closely matched
         with an appropriate bird. So if a man
         is offering Athena holy sacrifice,
         he must first give the Coot some barley corn.
         If sacrificing sheep to god Poseidon,                            750
         let him bring toasted wheat grains to the Duck.
         And anyone who’s going to sacrifice
         to Hercules must give the Cormorant
         some honey cakes. A ram for Zeus the king?
         Then first, because the Wren is king of birds,
         ahead of Zeus himself, his sacrifice
         requires the worshipper to execute
         an uncastrated gnat.

EUELPIDES
                   I like that bit about
         the slaughtered gnat. Now thunder on, great Zan.* [570]

CHORUS LEADER
But how will humans think of us as gods                       760
         and not just jackdaws flying around on wings?

PISTHETAIROS
A foolish question. Hermes is a god,
         and he has wings and flies—so do others,
         all sorts of them. There’s Victory, for one,
         with wings of gold. And Eros is the same.
         Then there’s Iris—just like a timorous dove,
         that’s what Homer says.

EUELPIDES
                              But what if Zeus
         lets his thunder peal, then fires down on us
         his lightning bolt—that’s got wings as well.

PISTHETAIROS [ignoring Euelpides]
Now, if men in their stupidity                770
         think nothing of you and keep worshipping
         Olympian gods, then a large cloud of birds,
         of rooks and sparrows, must attack their farms,
         devouring all the seed. And as they starve,
         let Demeter then dole out grain to them.                          [580]

EUELPIDES
She won’t be willing to do that, by Zeus.
         She’ll make excuses—as you’ll see.

PISTHETAIROS
                                  Then as a test,
         the ravens can peck out their livestock’s eyes,
         the ones that pull the ploughs to work the land,
         and other creatures, too. Let Apollo                              780
         make them better—he’s the god of healing.
         That’s why he gets paid.

EUELPIDES
                                     But you can’t do this
         ’til I’ve sold my two little oxen first.

PISTHETAIROS
But if they think of you as god, as life,
         as Earth, as Kronos and Poseidon, too,
         then all good things will come to them.

CHORUS LEADER
                       Tell me
         what these good things are.

PISTHETAIROS
                            Well, for starters,
         locusts won’t eat the blossoms on their vines.
         The owls and kestrels in just one platoon
         will rid them of those pests. Mites and gall wasps       790  [590]
         won’t devour the figs. One troop of thrushes
         will eradicate them one and all.

CHORUS LEADER
But how will we make people wealthy?
         That’s what they mostly want.

PISTHETAIROS
                                     When people come
         petitioning your shrines, the birds can show
         the mining sites that pay. They’ll tell the priest
         the profitable routes for trade. That way
         no captain of a ship will be wiped out.

CHORUS LEADER
Why won’t those captains come to grief?

PISTHETAIROS
They’ll always ask the birds about the trip.                         800
         Their seer will say, “A storm is on the way.
         Don’t sail just yet” or “Now’s the time to sail—
         you’ll turn a tidy profit.”

EUELPIDES
                           Hey, that’s for me—
         I’ll buy a merchant ship and take command.
         I won’t be staying with you.

PISTHETAIROS
                            Birds can show men
         the silver treasures of their ancestors,
         buried in the ground so long ago.
         For birds know where these are. Men always say,                [600]
         “No one knows where my treasure lies, no one,
         except perhaps some bird.”

EUELPIDES
                                    I’ll sell my boat.                       810
         I’ll buy a spade and dig up tons of gold.

CHORUS LEADER
How will we provide for human health?
         Such things dwell with the gods.

PISTHETAIROS
                                     If they’re doing well,
         is that not giving them good health?

EUELPIDES
                                              You’re right.
         A man whose business isn’t very sound
         is never medically well.

CHORUS LEADER
                                     All right,
         but how will they get old? That’s something, too,
         Olympian gods bestow. Must they die young?

PISTHETAIROS
No, no, by god. The birds will add on years,
         three hundred more.

CHORUS LEADER
And where will those come from?            820

PISTHETAIROS
From the birds’ supply. You know the saying,
         “Five human lifetimes lives the cawing crow.”*

EUELPIDES
My word, these birds are much more qualified              [610]
         to govern us than Zeus.

PISTHETAIROS
                            Far better qualified!
         First, we don’t have to build them holy shrines,
         made out of stone, or put up golden doors
         to decorate their sanctuaries. They live
         beneath the bushes and young growing trees.
         As for the prouder birds, an olive grove
         will be their temple. When we sacrifice,                     830
         no need to go to Ammon or to Delphi—
         we’ll just stand among arbutus trees                        [620]
         or oleasters with an offering—
         barley grains or wheat—uttering our prayers,
         our arms outstretched, so from them we receive
         our share of benefits. And these we’ll gain
         by throwing them a few handfuls of grain.

CHORUS LEADER
Old man, how much you’ve been transformed for me—
         From my worst enemy into my friend,
         my dearest friend. These strategies of yours—      840
         I’ll not abandon them, not willingly.

CHORUS
The words you’ve said make us rejoice—
         and so we’ll swear with just one voice
         an oath that if you stand with me—                        [630]
         our thoughts and aims in unity—
         honest, pious, just, sincere,
         to go against the gods up there,
         if we’re both singing the same song
         the gods won’t have my sceptre long.

CHORUS LEADER
Whatever can be done with force alone                         850
         we’re ready to take on—what requires brains
         or thinking through, all that stuff’s up to you.

PISTHETAIROS
That’s right, by Zeus. No time for dozing now,              [640]
         or entertaining doubts, like Nikias.*
         No—let’s get up and at it fast.

TEREUS
But first, you must come in this nest of mine,
         these sticks and twigs assembled here. So now,
         both of you, tell us your names.

PISTHETAIROS
                   That’s easy.
         My name’s Pisthetairos.

TEREUS
                            And this man here?

EUELPIDES
I’m Euelpides, from Crioa.                                             860

TEREUS
Welcome both of you!

PISTHETAIROS and EUELPIDES
                   Thanks very much.

TEREUS
Won’t you come in?

PISTHETAIROS
                   Let’s go. But you go first—
         show us the way.

TEREUS
                   Come on, then.

[Tereus enters his house]

PISTHETAIROS [holding back, calling into the house]
   But . . . it’s strange . . .
         Come back a minute.

[Tereus reappears at the door]

                                                      Look, tell us both
         how me and him can share the place with you
         when you can fly but we’re not able to.            [650]

TEREUS
I don’t see any problem there.

PISTHETAIROS
                                              Maybe,
         but in Aesop’s fables there’s a story told
         about some fox who hung around an eagle,
         with unfortunate results.

TEREUS
                                              Don’t be afraid.                                   870
         We have a little root you nibble on—
         and then you’ll grow some wings.

PISTHETAIROS
                                              All right then,
         let’s go. [To the slaves] Manodorus, Xanthias,
         bring in our mattresses.

CHORUS LEADER [to Tereus]
                  Hold on a second—
         I’m calling you.

TEREUS
                            Why are you calling me?

CHORUS LEADER
Take those two men in—give ‘em a good meal.
         But bring your tuneful nightingale out here,
         who with the Muses sings such charming songs—
         leave her with us so we can play together.        [660]

PISTHETAIROS
Yes, by god—agree to their request.                                    880
Bring out your little birdie in the reeds.

EUELPIDES
For gods’ sake, bring her out, so we can see
this lovely nightingale of yours.

TEREUS
If that’s what you both want, it must be done.
[calling inside]
Come here, Procne. Our guests are calling you.

[Enter Procne from the house. She has a nightingale’s head and wings but the body of a young woman. She’s wearing gold jewellery]

PISTHETAIROS
Holy Zeus, that’s one gorgeous little bird!
What a tender chick!

EUELPIDES
How I’d love to help that birdie
spread her legs, if you catch my drift.

PISTHETAIROS
Look at that—
all the gold she’s wearing—just like a girl.              [670]

EUELPIDES
What I’d like to do right now is kiss her.                   890

PISTHETAIROS
You idiot—look at that beak she’s got,
a pair of skewers.

EUELPIDES
All right, by god,
we’ll treat her like an egg—peel off the shell,
         take it clean off her head, and then we’ll kiss her.

TEREUS
Let’s get inside.

PISTHETAIROS
                   You lead us in—good luck to all!

[Pisthetairos, Euelpides, Tereus, Xanthias, and Manodorus enter the house]

CHORUS [singing to Procne]
                  Ah, my tawny throated love,
                  of all the birds that fly above
                  you’re dearest to my heart
                  your sweet melodious voice
                  in my song plays its part—        900
                  my lovely Nightingale,
                           you’ve come,                                                 [680]
                           you’ve come.
                  And now you’re here with me.
                  Pour forth your melody.
                  Pipe out the lovely sounds of spring,
                  a prelude to my rhythmic speech
                  in every melody you sing.

[Procne plays on the flute for a few moments as the Chorus Leader prepares to address the audience directly. He steps forward getting close to the spectators]

CHORUS LEADER
         Come now, you men out there, who live such dark, sad lives—
         you’re frail, just like a race of leaves—you’re shaped from clay,           
         you tribes of insubstantial shadows without wings,
         you creatures of a day, unhappy mortal men,
         you figures from a dream, now turn your minds to us,
         the eternal, deathless, air-borne, ageless birds,
         whose wisdom never dies, so you may hear from us
         the truth about celestial things, about the birds—              [690]
         how they sprang into being, how the gods arose,
         how rivers, Chaos, and dark Erebus were formed*—
         about all this you’ll learn the truth. And so from me
         tell Prodicus in future to depart.* At the start,              920
         there was Chaos, and Night, and pitch-black Erebus,
         and spacious Tartarus. There was no earth, no heaven,
         no atmosphere. Then in the wide womb of Erebus,
         that boundless space, black-winged Night, first creature born,
         made pregnant by the wind, once laid an egg. It hatched,
         when seasons came around, and out of it sprang Love—
         the source of all desire, on his back the glitter
         of his golden wings, just like the swirling whirlwind.
         In broad Tartarus, Love had sex with murky Chaos.
         From them our race was born—our first glimpse of the light.        930
         Before that there was no immortal race at all,
         not before Love mixed all things up. But once they’d bred  [700]
         and blended in with one another, Heaven was born,
         Ocean and Earth—and all that clan of deathless gods.
         Thus, we’re by far the oldest of all blessed ones,
         for we are born from Love. There’s lots of proof for this.
         We fly around the place, assisting those in love—
         the handsome lads who swear they’ll never bend for sex,
         but who, as their young charms come to an end, agree
         to let male lovers bugger them, thanks to the birds,      940
         our power as gifts—one man gives a porphyrion,
another man a quail, a third one gives a goose,
and yet another offers up a Persian Fowl.*
All mortals’ greatest benefits come from us birds.
The first is this: we make the season known—springtime,
winter, autumn—it’s time to sow, as soon as Crane
migrates to Lybia with all that noise. He tells                     [710]
the master mariner to hang his rudder up
and go to sleep awhile. He tells Orestes, too,
to weave himself a winter cloak, so he won’t freeze         950
when he sets out again to rip off people’s clothes.*
Then after that the Kite appears, to let you know
another season’s here—it’s time to shear the sheep.
Then Swallow comes. Now you should sell your winter cloak
and get yourself a light one. So we’re your Ammon,
Delphi and Dodona—we’re your Apollo, too.*
See how, in all your business, you first look to birds—
when you trade, buy goods, or when a man gets married.
Whatever you think matters in a prophecy,
you label that a bird—to you, Rumour’s a bird;                       [720]
you say a sneeze or a chance meeting is a bird,
a sound’s a bird, a servant’s a bird—and so’s an ass.
It’s clear you look on us as your Apollo.

CHORUS
So you ought to make gods of your birds,
your muses prophetic, whose words
all year round you’ve got,
unless it’s too hot.
Your questions will always be heard.

And we won’t run away to a cloud
and sit there like Zeus, who’s so proud—    970
we’re ready to give,
hang out where you live,
and be there for you in the crowd.

CHORUS LEADER
Yes, to you, your children, and their children, too,          [730]
we’ll grant wealth and health, good life, and happiness,
peace, youth, laughter, dances, festivals of song—
         and birds’ milk, too—so much, you’ll find yourself worn out
         with our fine gifts—yes, that’s how rich you’ll be.

CHORUS
                  Oh woodland Muse
                           Tio-tio-tio-tiotinx                                                 980
                  my muse of varied artful song
                  on trees and from high mountain peaks                        [740]
                           tio-tio-tio-tiotinx
                  to your notes I sing along
                  in my leafy ash tree seat.
                           tio-tio-tio-tiontinx
                  From my tawny throat I fling
                  my sacred melodies to Pan.
                  In holy dance I chant and sing
                  our mother from the mountain land.    990
                           Toto-toto-toto-toto-toto-totinx
                  Here Phrynichus would always sip                    [750]
                  ambrosial nectar from our tone
                  to make sweet music of his own.
                           tio-tio-tio-tiotinx.

CHORUS LEADER
If there’s someone out there in the audience
         who’d like to spend his future life among the birds
         enjoying himself, he should come to us. Here, you see,
         whatever is considered shameful by your laws,
         is all just fine among us birds. Consider this— 1000
         if your tradition says one shouldn’t beat one’s dad,
         up here with us it’s all right if some young bird
         goes at his father, hits him, cries, “You wanna fight?
         Then put up your spur!” If out there among you all             [760]
         there is, by chance, a tattooed slave who’s run away,
         we’ll call him a spotted francolin. Or else,
         if someone happens to be Phrygian, as pure
         as Spintharos, he’ll be a Philemon-bred finch.
         If he’s like Execestides, a Carian slave,
         let him act the Cuckoo—steal his kin from us— 1010
         some group of citizens will claim him soon enough.
         And if the son of Peisias still has in mind
         betraying our city gates to worthless men,
         let him become his father’s little partridge cock—
         for us there’s nothing wrong with crafty partridge stock.

CHORUS
                   Tio-tio-tio-tio-tinx-
                           That’s how the swans [770]
                           massed in a crowd
                           with rustling wings
                           once raised aloud                                          1020
                           Apollo’s hymn.

                           Tio-tio-tio-tio-tinx
                           They sat in rows
                           on river banks
                           where Hebros flows.
                           Tio-tio-tio-tio-tinx

                           Their song then rose
                           through cloud and air—
                           it cast its spell
                           on mottled tribes                                           1030
                           of wild beasts there—
                           the silent sky
                           calmed down the sea.
                           Toto-toto-toto-toto-totinx.

                           Olympus rang—                                  [780]
                           amazement seized
                           its lords and kings.
                           Then Muses there
                           and Graces, too,
                           voiced their response—       1040
                           Olympus sang.
                           Tio-tio-tio-tio-tiotinx.

CHORUS LEADER
There’s nothing sweeter or better than growing wings.
         If any of you members of the audience
         had wings, well, if you were feeling bored or hungry
         with these tragic choruses, you could fly away,
         go home for dinner, and then, once you’d had enough,
         fly back to us again. Or if, by any chance,
         a Patrocleides sits out there among you all,                     [790]
         dying to shit, he wouldn’t have to risk a fart                1050
         in his own pants—he could fly off and let ’er rip,
         take a deep breath, and fly back down again.
         If it should be the case that one of you out there
         is having an affair, and you observe her husband
         sitting here, in seats reserved for Council men,
         well, once again, you could fly off and fuck the wife,
         then fly back from her place and take your seat once more.
         Don’t you see how having wings to fly beats everything?
         Just look at Diitrephes—the only wings he had
         were handles on his flasks of wine, but nonetheless,    1060
         they chose him to lead a squad of cavalry,
         then for a full command, so now, from being nobody,
         he carries out our great affairs—he’s now become      [800]
         a tawny civic horse-cock.*

[Enter Pisthetairos and Euelpides from Tereus’ house. They now have wings on and feathers on their heads instead of hair}

PISTHETAIROS
                            Well, that’s that. By Zeus,
         I’ve never seen a more ridiculous sight!

EUELPIDES
What are you laughing at?

PISTHETAIROS
                             At your feathers.
         Have you any idea what you look like—
         what you most resemble with those feathers on?
         A goose painted by some cheap artiste!

EUELPIDES
And you look like a blackbird—one whose hair            1070
         has just been cut using a barber’s bowl.

PISTHETAIROS
People will use us as metaphors—
         as Aeschlyus would say, “We’re shot by feathers
         not from someone else but of our very own.”

CHORUS LEADER
All right, then. What do we now need to do?

PISTHETAIROS
First, we have to name our city, something
         fine and grand. Then after that we sacrifice                  [810]
         an offering to the gods.

EUELPIDES
                            That’s my view, too.

CHORUS LEADER
So what name shall we give our city?

PISTHETAIROS
Well, do you want to use that mighty name                         1080
         from Lacedaimon—shall we call it Sparta?

EUELPIDES
By Hercules, would I use that name Sparta
         for my city? No. I wouldn’t even try
         esparto grass to make my bed, not if
         I could use cords of linen.*

PISTHETAIROS
                            All right then, what name
         shall we provide?

CHORUS LEADER
                   Some name from around here—
         to do with clouds, with high places full of air,
         something really extra grand.

PISTHETAIROS
                                     Well, then,
         how do you like this: Cloudcuckooland?

CHORUS LEADER
Yes! That’s good! You’ve come up with a name            1090 [820]
         that’s really wonderful—it’s great!

EUELPIDES
                                              Hang on,
         is this Cloudcuckooland the very spot
         where Theogenes keeps lots of money,
         and Aeschines hides all his assets?*

PISTHETAIROS
It’s even more than that—it’s Phlegra Plain,
         the place where gods beat up on all the giants
         in a bragging match.*

EUELPIDES
                            This fine metropolis!
         O what a glittering thing this city is!
         Now who should be the city’s guardian god?
         Who gets to wear the sacred robes we weave?              1100

PISTHETAIROS
Why not let Athena do the guarding?

EUELPIDES
But how can we have a finely ordered state
         where a female goddess stands there fully armed,              [830]
         while Cleisthenes still fondles weaving shuttles.*

PISTHETAIROS
Well, who will hold our city’s strong Storkade?

CHORUS LEADER
A bird among us of a Persian breed—
         it’s said to be the fiercest anywhere
         of all the war god’s chicks.

EUELPIDES
                                     Some princely cocks?
         They’re just the gods to live among the rocks!

PISTHETAIROS [to Euelpides]
         Come now, you must move up into the air,                      1110
         and help the ones who’re building up the wall—
         hoist rubble for ’em, strip and mix the mortar,
         haul up the hod, and then fall off the ladder.                         [840]
         Put guards in place, and keep all fires concealed.
         Make your inspection rounds holding the bell.*
         Go to sleep up there. Then send out heralds—
         one to gods above, one down to men below.
         And then come back from there to me.

EUELPIDES
                                                 And you?
         You’ll stay here? Well, to hell with you . . .

PISTHETAIROS
                                        Hey, my friend,
         you should go where I send you—without you           1120
         none of that work I mentioned will get done.
         We need a sacrifice to these new gods.
         I’ll call a priest to organize the show.

[Euelpides exits.  Pisthetairos calls to the slaves through the doors of Tereus’ house]

         You, boy, pick up the basket, and you,
         my lad, grab up the holy water.                           [850]

[Pisthetairos enters the house. As the Chorus sings, the slaves emerge and prepare for the sacrifice. The Chorus is accompanied by a raven playing the pipes]

CHORUS
I think it’s good and I agree,
                  your notions here are fine with me,
                  a great big march with dancing throngs
                  and to the gods send holy songs,
                  and then their benefits to keep                              1130
                  we’ll sacrifice a baby sheep—
                  let go our cry, the Pythian shout,
                  while Chaeris plays our chorus out.

[The Raven plays erratically on the pipe. Pisthetairos comes out of the house. He brings a priest with him who is leading a small scrawny goat for the sacrifice]

PISTHETAIROS [to the Raven]
Stop blowing all that noise! By Hercules,
         what’s this? I’ve seen some strange things, heaven knows, [860]
         but never this—a raven with a pipe
         shoved up his nose. Come on, priest, work your spell,
         and sacrifice to these new gods as well.

PRIEST
I’ll do it. But where’s the basket-bearing boy?

[The slave appears with the basket]

         Let us now pray to Hestia of the birds,* 1140
         and to the Kite that watches o’er the hearth,
         to all Olympian birds and birdesses . . .

PISTHETAIROS [to himself]
O Hawk of Sunium, all hail to you,
         Lord of the Sea . . .

PRIEST
                   And to the Pythian Swan of Delos—
         let’s pray to Leto, mother of the quail                   [870]
         to Artemis the Goldfinch . . .

PISTHETAIROS
                   Ha! No more goddess
         of Colaenis now, but goldfinch Artemis . . .

PRIEST
. . . to Sabazdios, Phrygian frigate bird,
         to the great ostrich mother of the gods                     1150
         and of all men . . .

PISTHETAIROS
                   . . . to Cybele, our ostrich queen,
         mother of Cleocritos* . . .

PRIEST
                                     . . . may they give
         to all Cloudcuckooites security,
         good health, as well—and to the Chians, too.*

PISTHETAIROS
I do like that—the way those Chians                            [880]
always get tacked on everywhere—

PRIEST
. . . to Hero birds, and to their chicks,
to Porphyrions and Pelicans,
both white and grey, to Raptor-birds and Pheasants,
Peacocks and Warblers . . .

[The Priest starts to get carried away]

. . . Ospreys and Teals
Herons and Gannets, Terns, small Tits, big Tits, and . . .   1160

PISTHETAIROS [interrupting]
Hold on, dammit—stop calling all these birds.
You idiot! In what sort of sacrifice                                [890]
does one call for ospreys and for vultures?
Don’t you see—one kite could snatch this goat,
then carry it away? Get out of here,
you and your garlands, too. I’ll do it myself—
I’ll offer up this beast all on my own.

[Pisthetairos pushes the Priest away. Exit Priest]

CHORUS
Now once again I have to sing
                  a song to purify you all,
                  a holy sacred melody.                                         1170
                  The Blessed Ones I have to call—
                  but if you’re in a mood to eat
                  we just need one and not a score
                  for here our sacrificial meat                          [900]
                  is horns and hair, and nothing more.

PISTHETAIROS
Let us pray while we make sacrifice
         to our feathery gods . . . [raises his eyes to sky and shuts his eyes]

[A poet suddenly bursts on the scene reciting his verses as he enters]

POET [reciting]
O Muse, in your songs sing the renown
         of Cloudcuckooland—this happy town . . .

PISTHETAIROS
         Where’d this thing come from? Tell me—who are you?   1180

POET
Me? I’m a sweet tongued warbler of the words—
         a nimble servant of the Muse, as Homer says.              [910]

PISTHETAIROS
You’re a slave and wear your hair that long?

POET
No, but all poets of dramatic songs
         are nimble servants of the Muse, as Homer says.

PISTHETAIROS
No doubt that’s why your nimble cloak’s so thin.
         But, oh poet, why has thou come hither?

POET
I’ve been making up all sorts of splendid songs
         to celebrate your fine Cloudcuckoolands—
         dithyrambs and virgin songs and other tunes              1190
         after the style of that Simonides.*

PISTHETAIROS
When did you compose these tunes? Some time ago?  [920]

POET
O long long ago—yes, I’ve been singing
         the glory of this town for years.

PISTHETAIROS
                                    Look here—
         I’ve just been making sacrifice today—
         the day our city gets its name. What’s more,
         it’s only now, as with a new-born child,
         I’ve given it that name.

POET
Ah yes, but Muses’ words are swift indeed—
         like twinkling hooves on rapid steeds.
         So thou, oh father, first of Aetna’s kings,                        1200
         whose name means lots of holy things,
         present me something from thy grace
         whate’er you wish, just nod your face.* [930]

PISTHETAIROS
This fellow here is going to give us trouble—
         unless we can escape by giving something.

[Calling one of the slaves]

         You there with the tunic and the jerkin on.
         Strip off the leather jerkin. Give it up
         to this master poet. Take this jerkin.
         You look as if you’re really freezing cold.

POET
The darling Muse accepts the gift                             1210
         and not unwillingly—
         But now your wit should get a lift
         from Pindar’s words which . . .

PISTHETAIROS
This fellow’s never going to go away!                    [940]

POET [making up a quotation]
“Out there amid nomadic Scythians,
         he wanders from the host in all his shame,
         he who has no woven garment shuttle-made—
         a jerkin on, but no tunic to his name.”
         I speak so you can understand.

PISTHETAIROS
Yes, I get it—you want the tunic, too.                                1220
[To the slave] Take it off. We must assist our poets.
         Take it and get out.

POET
                                        I’m on my way—
         But as I go I’ll still make songs like these
         in honour of your city—
         “O thou sitting on a golden throne,                [950]
         sing to celebrate that shivering, quivering land.
         I walked its snow-swept fruitful plains . . .”

[At this point Pisthetairos has had enough. He grabs the poet and throws him into the wings]

POET [as he exits]
                                            Aaaaiiiii!

PISTHETAIROS [calling after him]
         Well, by Zeus, at least you’ve now put behind
         the cold, since you’ve got that little tunic on!
         God knows, that’s a problem I’d not thought about—    1230
         he learned about our city here so fast.
[resuming the sacrifice] Come, boy, pick up the holy water
         and walk around again. Let everyone
         observe a sacred holy silence now . . . 

[Enter an Oracle Monger, quickly interrupting the ceremony. He is carrying a scroll]

ORACLE MONGER
Don’t sacrifice that goat!

PISTHETAIROS
                                              What? Who are you?

ORACLE MONGER
Who am I? I’m an oracular interpreter.

PISTHETAIROS
To hell with you! [960]

ORACLE MONGER
               Now, now, my dear good man,
         don’t disparage things divine. You should know
         there’s an oracle of Bacis which speaks
         of your Cloudcuckooland—it’s pertinent.                  1240

PISTHETAIROS
Then how come you didn’t talk to me
         about this prophecy some time before
         I set my city here?

ORACLE MONGER
                   I could not do that—
         powers divine held me in check.

PISTHETAIROS
                                Well, I guess
         there’s nothing wrong in listening to it now.

ORACLE MONGER [unrolling the scroll and reading from it]
         “Once grey crows and wolves shall live together
         in that space between Corinth and Sicyon . . .”

PISTHETAIROS